Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Sample Response
Celebrities have always been a subject of fascination for people around the world. However, in recent years, the focus on celebrities has shifted from their accomplishments to their glamorous lifestyle and wealth. This has raised concerns among many that it may set a negative example for young people. Due to several reasons, I will disagree with this view.
Some celebrities are more famous for their wealth and glamour than their achievements. Many young people today aspire to be like these celebrities and try to emulate their lavish lifestyles. For example, young girls idolize famous models and actresses who flaunt their designer clothes, expensive jewellery, and luxurious vacations on social media. This creates unrealistic and unhealthy expectations among young people.
However, it is not entirely fair to blame celebrities for setting a bad example for young people. Many celebrities have worked hard to achieve success, and their wealth and glamour are merely the byproducts of their achievements. For instance, athletes who have trained rigorously for years and have won medals and trophies deserve to enjoy the fruits of their labour. Similarly, successful entrepreneurs who have built successful businesses through their hard work and dedication should be able to enjoy their wealth.
In my opinion, the problem lies not with celebrities but with the way the media portrays them. The media often focuses on their glamorous lifestyle and wealth, rather than their achievements, to attract more viewers and readers. This has resulted in the perception that celebrities are famous only for their wealth and glamour. Therefore, it is the responsibility of the media to shift the focus back to the achievements of these celebrities and highlight the hard work and dedication that went into their success.
In conclusion, it may be true that a few celebrities are more famous for their assets and glamour than their achievements, which can set a negative example for young people. However, it is not the whole picture as most celebrities work hard to gain fame and success.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Repeated phrase Original: glamorous lifestyle and wealth Suggested revision: luxurious lifestyles and wealth Why it matters: Lifestyle should be plural when referring to celebrities generally.
- 2. Unclear reference Original: This has raised concerns among many that it may set Suggested revision: This has raised concerns that celebrities may set Why it matters: Name the subject to avoid an unclear it.
- 3. Awkward opener Original: Due to several reasons Suggested revision: For several reasons Why it matters: Due to several reasons is not natural here.
- 4. Thesis wording Original: I will disagree with this view Suggested revision: I partly disagree with this view Why it matters: The essay later concedes part of the statement, so partly disagree is more accurate.
- 5. Good but formal Original: try to emulate Suggested revision: try to copy Why it matters: Emulate is acceptable, but copy may sound more direct for unhealthy behaviour.
- 6. Develop effect Original: This creates unrealistic and unhealthy expectations Suggested revision: This can create unrealistic and unhealthy expectations Why it matters: Can avoids overgeneralising the effect.
- 7. Hyphen form Original: byproducts Suggested revision: by-products Why it matters: Both forms are possible, but by-products is common in formal British English.
- 8. Good link Original: Similarly Suggested revision: Likewise Why it matters: Vary linking words across adjacent examples.
- 9. Stronger phrasing Original: not with celebrities but with the way Suggested revision: not with celebrities themselves but with the way Why it matters: Adding themselves sharpens the contrast.
- 10. Avoid repetition Original: glamorous lifestyle and wealth Suggested revision: luxury and public image Why it matters: This reduces repetition of the task wording.
- 11. Specific responsibility Original: it is the responsibility of the media Suggested revision: media organisations have a responsibility Why it matters: This makes the agent more concrete.
- 12. Informal phrase Original: it is not the whole picture Suggested revision: this is not the complete picture Why it matters: Use a slightly more academic expression.
Suggested Rewrites
- glamorous lifestyle and wealth luxurious lifestyles and wealth
- This has raised concerns among many that it may set This has raised concerns that celebrities may set
- Due to several reasons For several reasons
- I will disagree with this view I partly disagree with this view
- try to emulate try to copy
- This creates unrealistic and unhealthy expectations This can create unrealistic and unhealthy expectations
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response directly addresses the statement, takes a mostly disagreeing position, and presents a balanced argument: some celebrities do create harmful expectations, but media framing is the bigger problem. Ideas are relevant and well developed, though the introduction could state the extent of disagreement more naturally.
State the degree of agreement in one precise sentence, such as I partly disagree because media portrayal matters more than celebrity behaviour itself.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is well organised with clear paragraphing and logical progression from concession to counterargument to media responsibility. Referencing is generally controlled, though a few topic sentences could be more explicit.
Make each body paragraph’s role unmistakable: concession, counterargument, and main opinion.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied and appropriate, including accomplishments, emulate, unrealistic expectations, rigorously, byproducts, and perception. Some phrasing is slightly awkward or repetitive, especially wealth and glamour.
Reduce repeated key words by using alternatives such as public image, luxury, fame, and material success where appropriate.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Grammar is accurate overall, with good control of complex sentences. Minor issues include awkward phrasing in the thesis and occasional article or number choices.
Polish thesis sentences and check whether singular nouns such as lifestyle need plural or article adjustments.