Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Sample Response
It is an unfortunate reality of today's world that celebrities are cherished and celebrated, not for their achievements, but merely for their fame and wealth. Youth, in particular, views such worldly possessions of celebrities as the highest mark of human achievement. No wonder this trend has devastating effects on the younger generation. To prove this, one has to analyse how youth perceives celebrities' success in general and the fact that many amongst them don't pose the right kind of image for youth to look up to. Firstly, very few young people realise that all the fame and glory that the celebrities get to enjoy is never achieved overnight, rather it is all blood, sweat and tears. It takes years and years of struggle to get to that point, which many youngsters choose not to go through, rather, they look for shortcuts towards success. Thus, as a result, they are overcome with procrastination and laziness, which is a direct consequence of idealising the materialistic possessions of their ideals. Secondly, one should consider the fact that a number of superstars in the entertainment business are infamous who should not be looked up to in any way. For instance, musicians who use extremely obscure lyrical themes in their music, or the actors working in biographical movies dedicated to serial killers etc. These instances show that when youth venerates such forms of entertainment, they are somehow led to believe that they can also become as famous and successful merely by imitating their so-called ideals. Hence, the negative influence of such a trend is obvious. Having analysed how glorifying the rich people, not for their hard-earned achievements, but merely for their worldly possessions, can affect youth's perception of success, it is proven that this tendency does set a bad example. It is highly recommended that youth should be encouraged to realise that a man's worth should not be judged by his possessions, rather by the journey he goes through to achieve those possessions.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Natural collective noun Original: Youth, in particular, views Suggested revision: Young people, in particular, view Why it matters: Young people is more natural and takes a plural verb.
- 2. Precise phrase Original: worldly possessions Suggested revision: material wealth Why it matters: Material wealth directly describes the issue in the prompt.
- 3. Avoid formulaic claim Original: To prove this Suggested revision: This influence can be examined by considering Why it matters: An essay supports rather than proves a complex social claim.
- 4. Agreement and collocation Original: many amongst them don't pose Suggested revision: many of them do not present Why it matters: The plural subject needs do, and present an image is the correct phrase.
- 5. More precise evaluation Original: the right kind of image Suggested revision: a constructive example Why it matters: This states the role-model issue directly.
- 6. Fix comma splice Original: is never achieved overnight, rather it is Suggested revision: is never achieved overnight; rather, it is Why it matters: Two independent clauses need stronger punctuation.
- 7. Formal register Original: all blood, sweat and tears Suggested revision: the result of sustained effort Why it matters: The idiom is vivid but less precise in formal argument.
- 8. Link clauses clearly Original: rather, they look Suggested revision: and instead look Why it matters: This avoids another comma splice.
- 9. Correct preposition Original: shortcuts towards success Suggested revision: shortcuts to success Why it matters: Shortcut to is the standard collocation.
- 10. Redundant linker Original: Thus, as a result Suggested revision: As a result Why it matters: Both expressions signal the same relationship.
- 11. Wrong noun Original: possessions of their ideals Suggested revision: wealth of their idols Why it matters: Idols are admired people; ideals are principles.
- 12. Faulty relative clause Original: are infamous who should not be looked up to Suggested revision: have poor reputations and should not be admired Why it matters: Who cannot directly modify infamous in this structure.
Suggested Rewrites
- Youth, in particular, views Young people, in particular, view
- worldly possessions material wealth
- To prove this This influence can be examined by considering
- many amongst them don't pose many of them do not present
- the right kind of image a constructive example
- is never achieved overnight, rather it is is never achieved overnight; rather, it is
Why this response received Band 7.0
The essay maintains a clear position and offers a coherent explanation of how celebrity culture may distort young people’s ideas about success. Its main weakness is that the second argument relies on questionable examples and sometimes confuses celebrities, entertainment content, and role models, so the causal reasoning is not always convincing. Use specific, plausible examples and explain each influence step by step.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
A clear agreement position is sustained and both main ideas are relevant, but the second idea is insufficiently convincing and some claims are overgeneralised.
Use one concrete celebrity example for each body paragraph and explicitly connect glamour-focused fame to a resulting behaviour in young people.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument progresses logically with clear paragraph functions and effective signalling, although some sentences are overloaded and a few links are mechanical.
Use shorter topic-to-example chains and reduce formulaic phrases such as To prove this and Having analysed.
Lexical Resource
The response uses a wide range with generally clear meaning, but several collocations are inaccurate or overly dramatic.
Prefer precise terms such as present a positive image, role models, material wealth, and explicit lyrics.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex structures are frequent and mostly well controlled, with occasional agreement, comma-splice, article, and relative-clause problems.
Proofread collective nouns, relative clauses, and sentences joined by rather to prevent run-ons.