More and more women go out to work. Is it the government's responsibility to subsidise them and provide free staff and facilities to care for their children? To what extent do you agree or disagree with this idea?
Sample Response
The rapid development of economy and society results in the significant improvement of women's social status. More and more women, confined to babysitting and chores previously, have stepped out of their family and become career women. But in the meantime, career women are confronted with considerable nuisances, one of which is baby caring. Women's participation in the employment contributes a great deal to the society. Thanks to the women's patience, warmth and carefulness, most women are employed as secretaries, nurses, consultants and babysitters. But due to the pressure from work and family, they cannot concentrate fully on their work. Some countries and governments adopted some active measures to resolve the contradiction, such as the policy of feasible working time, which renders women some freedom. However, this is not a radical solution. From my point of view, the government should subsidise women in baby caring and provide charge-free facilities and staff members to relieve women of their pressure. On the one hand, women can focus themselves on their work and study, with no distraction from their family and children. In return, factories and companies can benefit a lot from the practice of subsidiary, which exempts them from the losses caused by female absentees. On the other hand, children enjoy their right to the education. Many countries give priority to children's education, providing children with free elementary schooling, which not only popularises knowledge but also cultivates skilled talent for the society. Besides, the United Nations have issued relevant laws and regulations with a view to protecting children's educational right. To draw the conclusion, a government should spare no effort to relieve women of their burdens and shoulder the responsibility of children's education, which is not only a government's obligation but also people's appeal.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Add definite article Original: development of economy and society Suggested revision: development of the economy and society Why it matters: Economy requires the definite article when referring to the national or general economic system.
- 2. Fix tense and phrasing Original: results in the significant improvement of Suggested revision: has significantly improved Why it matters: The present perfect naturally describes development that has produced a current change.
- 3. Place adverb clearly Original: confined to babysitting and chores previously Suggested revision: previously confined to childcare and household chores Why it matters: Moving previously clarifies that the confinement occurred in the past.
- 4. Replace unclear phrase Original: stepped out of their family Suggested revision: moved beyond the home Why it matters: A family is not a place that someone can step out of, while the home conveys the intended setting.
- 5. Use appropriate noun Original: considerable nuisances Suggested revision: considerable challenges Why it matters: Challenges accurately describes substantial difficulties, whereas nuisances suggests minor annoyances.
- 6. Use standard term Original: one of which is baby caring Suggested revision: one of which is childcare Why it matters: Childcare is the standard noun for looking after children.
- 7. Remove unnecessary article Original: participation in the employment Suggested revision: participation in employment Why it matters: Employment is uncountable in this general sense and does not take the definite article.
- 8. Remove unnecessary article Original: to the society Suggested revision: to society Why it matters: Society takes no article when it refers generally to the community as a whole.
- 9. Remove unnecessary article Original: the women's patience Suggested revision: women's patience Why it matters: The possessive already determines the noun, so the is unnecessary.
- 10. Fix agent and tense Original: Some countries and governments adopted Suggested revision: Some governments have adopted Why it matters: Governments are the relevant policy agents, and the present perfect links their measures to the current situation.
- 11. Use natural collocation Original: resolve the contradiction Suggested revision: address the conflict Why it matters: Address a conflict is the natural expression for responding to competing work and family demands.
- 12. Use correct policy term Original: policy of feasible working time Suggested revision: policy of flexible working hours Why it matters: Flexible working hours is the standard term for adjustable work schedules.
Suggested Rewrites
- development of economy and society development of the economy and society
- results in the significant improvement of has significantly improved
- confined to babysitting and chores previously previously confined to childcare and household chores
- stepped out of their family moved beyond the home
- considerable nuisances considerable challenges
- one of which is baby caring one of which is childcare
Why this response received Band 6.5
The essay states firm agreement and gives a relevant central argument that childcare support would help working mothers concentrate and reduce employers’ losses. Its main limitation is focus: the second half shifts from free childcare staff and facilities to elementary education and broad legal rights, while stereotyped claims about women’s occupations weaken the case; prioritise developing how accessible childcare would benefit families, employers and children directly, with concrete funding or provision examples.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
A clear position is maintained and workplace benefits are relevantly developed, but the education-rights argument only partly addresses government-funded childcare and some background claims are stereotyped.
Develop two direct reasons for subsidised childcare, such as parental employment and children’s safe early development, and explain how the proposed staff and facilities would work.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument moves recognisably from context to position, workplace benefits, children and conclusion, but the entire essay is one paragraph and some logical shifts are abrupt.
Use separate paragraphs for the introduction and position, employment benefits, child benefits and conclusion, with each body paragraph tied explicitly to childcare provision.
Lexical Resource
The response attempts a broad formal range, but frequent unnatural collocations such as baby caring, feasible working time, charge-free facilities and practice of subsidiary reduce precision.
Use childcare, flexible working hours, free childcare facilities, government subsidies and employee absences consistently.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A variety of complex structures communicates the argument clearly overall, though article, pronoun, agreement and complementation errors occur repeatedly.
Correct patterns such as participate in employment, focus on their work, benefit from the subsidy and protect children’s right to education.
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