Some people say that time and money spent on music classes in schools are not necessary. Instead, children should be learning useful subjects such as science and computers. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give your own opinion and include relevant examples.
Sample Response
The music industry has become widespread and prevailing day-by-day as adults have the awareness to music since their school. But some people have controversial opinion and emphasis that school budget and time should only fix for science and computer subject instead of music. I accord to this argument as it is a prerequisite of time. This essay will analyse the both sides of view. To begin with, as this is the age of science and technology and our planet requires more exposure to nature for making life more valid and convenient on it. This goal can only be achieved if we have sufficient scientists, astronomers and sea divers etc. Further, students are the future of any nation. By having more science and information technology pupil at a school, there will be adequate researchers and engineers in upcoming days alternatively. Hence, there is a need to build more research and computer labs furnished with advanced equipment in schools. Moreover, the world has been contracted just because of development in information technology. If children will have easy access to internet and Microsoft software since their childhood, they will indeed be the Bill Gates of the future. For instance, Arfa Karim (Late) became the youngest Microsoft certified professional at the age of nine. She made her nation proud by getting a prize of performance and the invitation from Bill Gates to visit Microsoft headquarter in the United State. In contrast, music has its own place in the empowerment of a region. Some students, who have extraordinary talent in music, may become well- known musicians and directors in future.
To sum up, although science and technology are inevitable for the world but there should always be space for students to learn according to their curiosity.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Wrong collocation Original: awareness to music Suggested revision: exposure to music Why it matters: Exposure describes experience of music at school.
- 2. Missing article Original: controversial opinion Suggested revision: a controversial opinion Why it matters: A singular count noun needs an article.
- 3. Allocation verb Original: school budget and time should only fix Suggested revision: school budgets and teaching time should be allocated only Why it matters: Allocate is the correct verb for resources.
- 4. State agreement Original: I accord to this argument Suggested revision: I agree with this argument Why it matters: Accord to is incorrect here.
- 5. Article use Original: analyse the both sides Suggested revision: analyse both sides Why it matters: Both does not take the here.
- 6. Plural noun Original: information technology pupil Suggested revision: pupils studying information technology Why it matters: The original noun phrase is malformed.
- 7. Conditional form Original: If children will have Suggested revision: If children have Why it matters: Use present simple in the if-clause.
- 8. Clarify position Original: there should always be space for students to learn according to their curiosity Suggested revision: schools should retain some music provision while prioritising science and computing Why it matters: This makes the partly-agree position explicit and consistent.
- 9. Avoid redundancy Original: widespread and prevailing Suggested revision: increasingly influential Why it matters: The two adjectives duplicate each other and do not express the intended trend clearly.
- 10. Adverb form Original: day-by-day Suggested revision: day by day Why it matters: The adverbial phrase is not hyphenated.
- 11. Article and number Original: some people have Suggested revision: some people hold Why it matters: Hold is the natural verb for expressing an opinion.
- 12. Unclear phrase Original: a prerequisite of time Suggested revision: necessary for future progress Why it matters: The original collocation does not communicate a clear reason.
Suggested Rewrites
- awareness to music exposure to music
- controversial opinion a controversial opinion
- school budget and time should only fix school budgets and teaching time should be allocated only
- I accord to this argument I agree with this argument
- analyse the both sides analyse both sides
- information technology pupil pupils studying information technology
Why this response received Band 5.5
The essay states a position favouring science and computing and supports it with future employment needs, school facilities and one technology example, while briefly acknowledging musical talent. However, the position shifts in the conclusion, the opposing side is barely developed, and frequent language errors make several claims unclear. Establish one consistent stance, balance the reasoning, and revise grammar and collocations throughout.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The main view is relevant but inconsistently maintained, and the brief counterpoint is not developed.
Decide whether you agree fully or partly and make every paragraph and the conclusion match that stance.
Coherence and Cohesion
There is a basic sequence, but the body is one dense paragraph and logical links are sometimes mechanical.
Use separate paragraphs for science benefits, the value of music and the final judgement.
Lexical Resource
Some relevant vocabulary is used, but inaccurate word choice and collocation are frequent.
Use curriculum, allocate resources, technological literacy and creative development.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Frequent article, agreement, conditional and sentence-structure errors limit control.
Proofread each clause for a clear subject and finite verb.