Societies that don’t respect and honour their women can never make progress. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement.
Sample Response
History has proven the fact that the societies and civilisations which haven't respected rights and safety of women have perished badly. I am strongly in accord with history here, and firmly believe that respect and safety of women are the basic foundations of a society. It is imperative that if a community is not providing equal rights to women and if women are bereft of basic freedom, there cannot be an ounce of progress in that society. To buttress my point of view, I would like to strike comparisons between two countries: India and the USA. Although the constitution of India has legislated 33% of reservation for women, even after more than 50 years of independence, India has failed to respect its women. India is struggling to change the Male chauvinist mindset of its man brethren, who still consider themselves superior to women. The staggering rate of rape cases and nuisances against women is a reflection of this mindset. With these state of affairs for women, India has a long way to go to make its society an honourable place for women. In contrast to India, USA has done a very good job in terms of respecting its women, treating them as equal. The super power status of America can be equally attributed to the women in the USA who have equally contributed to the progress of the country. Woman of this world wears many hats at the same time. They are mothers, wives, sisters and office bearers at the same time. A woman holds the noblest responsibility in the mankind of bringing the life to the earth. They nurture and develop a child into the youth and shape them into future of a nation and of the world. Women have proven themselves worthy of many accolades if given equal opportunity. For instance, in the last year's Olympic tally for India, Women won more medals than Man. It is thus apparent that to build a full blown progressive society, women plays a key role and thus must be respected in all manners. In a nutshell, men and woman must be treated equally in the eyes of the society. Respect for women should be inculcated in the blood of a society. To make this world a better place to live, awareness should be spread to treat the woman with utmost reverence. I would recommend, Nations should work together to solve each other's problems and make a resolve in upholding the esteem of women.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Natural wording Original: have perished badly Suggested revision: have declined severely Why it matters: Perished badly is not a natural collocation for societies.
- 2. Missing article Original: respected rights and safety of women Suggested revision: respected the rights and safety of women Why it matters: The noun phrase needs the before rights.
- 3. Formal phrase Original: in accord with history here Suggested revision: in agreement with this view Why it matters: This sounds more natural in an academic essay.
- 4. Tense choice Original: if a community is not providing Suggested revision: if a community does not provide Why it matters: Present simple is better for a general condition.
- 5. Tone control Original: an ounce of progress Suggested revision: meaningful progress Why it matters: Meaningful progress is more formal than an ounce of progress.
- 6. Wrong collocation Original: strike comparisons Suggested revision: draw comparisons Why it matters: Draw comparisons is the standard collocation.
- 7. Article and noun form Original: 33% of reservation Suggested revision: a 33% reservation Why it matters: The noun phrase needs an article and a clearer structure.
- 8. Capitalization Original: Male chauvinist mindset Suggested revision: male chauvinist mindset Why it matters: Male should not be capitalized mid-sentence.
- 9. Wrong phrase Original: man brethren Suggested revision: male counterparts Why it matters: The original phrase is unnatural and unclear.
- 10. Demonstrative agreement Original: With these state of affairs Suggested revision: With this state of affairs Why it matters: State is singular, so this is needed.
- 11. Plural agreement Original: Woman of this world wears Suggested revision: Women of this world wear Why it matters: The general plural subject requires women and wear.
- 12. Subject-verb agreement Original: women plays a key role Suggested revision: women play a key role Why it matters: Women is plural, so the verb should be play.
Suggested Rewrites
- have perished badly have declined severely
- respected rights and safety of women respected the rights and safety of women
- in accord with history here in agreement with this view
- if a community is not providing if a community does not provide
- an ounce of progress meaningful progress
- strike comparisons draw comparisons
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay presents a strong agreement and supports it with comparisons, examples, and reasons related to rights, safety, education, and national progress. Some examples are broad or overgeneralised, but the position is clear.
Develop two or three focused reasons instead of many loosely connected claims, and avoid unsupported country-wide generalisations.
Coherence and Cohesion
The main weakness is that the whole response is written as one long paragraph, which makes progression hard to follow. Ideas are related but need clearer grouping and transitions.
Divide the essay into an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion, each with a clear controlling idea.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is quite varied and sometimes effective, with phrases such as basic foundations, equal rights, and progressive society. Some collocations are unnatural, and capitalization is inconsistent.
Use neutral, precise social-policy language and check collocations involving women, society, rights, and progress.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The essay uses complex sentences, but errors in articles, agreement, capitalization, punctuation, and plural forms occur regularly. Meaning is usually clear.
Proofread for subject-verb agreement and article use, especially in general statements about societies and women.