For many people shopping unwanted things is just a form of entertainment.
Sample Response
It is observed that people spend their leisure time performing one or other activity. However, some individuals enjoy shopping in their free time. Some people consider purchasing items for enjoyment has positive outcomes while others refute this claim. Both these views will be critiqued before reaching a reasoned conclusion.
On the one hand, there are a group of people who consider shopping has benefits. The primary reason for believing this is the fact that with the increase in the consumers in the market, there will be growth in the job opportunities. In other words, the problem of unemployment will be ceased to a greater extent. This will not only help job seekers to fulfil their and family's day to day needs but also decrease the crime rate within the country.
On the other hand, some people believe that shopping for sake of amusement has many negative effects on society. People who have a tendency of buying things on daily basis just for fun end up buying many unwanted things, thereby, causing wastage of resources. In addition to this, people involved in shopping do not realise the importance of time in developing bonds with family members. This, it is obvious that considering shopping as entertainment not only results in wastage of assets but also wastage of precious time.
Therefore, it is hard to see how anyone can support the idea of shopping in ideal time following the analysing both points of views on this topic. It is felt that it would be best to minimise market time and consume the same for improving relations.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use the natural expression Original: performing one or other activity Suggested revision: engaging in one activity or another Why it matters: The revised phrase is the idiomatic way to describe a choice among leisure activities.
- 2. Use a logical transition Original: However, Suggested revision: For example, Why it matters: Shopping illustrates a leisure activity rather than contrasting with the preceding statement.
- 3. Correct the complement pattern Original: consider purchasing items for enjoyment has positive outcomes Suggested revision: consider purchasing items for enjoyment to have positive outcomes Why it matters: Consider requires an object followed by to have in this construction.
- 4. Use neutral debate wording Original: refute this claim Suggested revision: dispute this view Why it matters: Dispute this view describes disagreement without implying that the position has been disproved.
- 5. Use neutral process wording Original: critiqued Suggested revision: examined Why it matters: Examined is a natural verb for discussing two opposing views.
- 6. Fix existential agreement Original: there are a group Suggested revision: there is a group Why it matters: The singular head noun group requires there is.
- 7. Correct the complement structure Original: consider shopping has benefits Suggested revision: consider shopping to have benefits Why it matters: Consider takes an object plus to have in this formal construction.
- 8. Correct the possessives Original: their and family's Suggested revision: their own and their families' Why it matters: Separate possessive forms are needed for the job seekers' needs and their families' needs.
- 9. Add the missing article Original: shopping for sake of amusement Suggested revision: shopping for the sake of amusement Why it matters: The fixed expression is for the sake of.
- 10. Correct the verb pattern Original: have a tendency of buying Suggested revision: tend to buy Why it matters: Tend to buy is the natural and concise grammatical construction.
- 11. Add the article Original: on daily basis Suggested revision: on a daily basis Why it matters: The fixed frequency phrase requires the article a.
- 12. Fix punctuation and collocation Original: thereby, causing wastage of resources Suggested revision: thereby causing a waste of resources Why it matters: Thereby takes no following comma, and a waste of resources is the natural noun phrase.
Suggested Rewrites
- performing one or other activity engaging in one activity or another
- However, For example,
- consider purchasing items for enjoyment has positive outcomes consider purchasing items for enjoyment to have positive outcomes
- refute this claim dispute this view
- critiqued examined
- there are a group there is a group
Why this response received Band 6.0
The essay has a recognisable two-sided structure and reaches a clear conclusion against treating unnecessary shopping as entertainment. Its main limitation is control: the economic and social arguments remain general, and frequent collocation and grammar errors make several sentences, especially the conclusion, difficult to follow. Prioritise developing one concrete example for each side and rewriting the position in direct, accurate language.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response considers relevant economic and social effects and reaches a discernible position, but its main claims are broad and only partly developed.
Support each side with a concrete example and explain more directly how buying unwanted items for entertainment creates that effect.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction, opposing body paragraphs, and conclusion create clear overall progression, although formulaic transitions and an opaque final sentence weaken local flow.
Use direct topic sentences and restate the final position plainly instead of relying on a heavily compressed concluding sentence.
Lexical Resource
There is enough topic vocabulary to discuss the issue, but frequent inaccurate combinations such as 'unemployment will be ceased' and 'minimise market time' sometimes obscure meaning.
Replace forced expressions with natural choices such as 'reduce unemployment', 'shopping for entertainment', and 'spend less time shopping'.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The essay attempts a range of sentence forms, but frequent errors in agreement, articles, verb patterns, and clause construction reduce clarity.
Correct core patterns such as 'a group of people considers', 'shopping has benefits', and 'after analysing both points of view'.
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