Large shopping malls are replacing small shops. What is your opinion about this? Discuss with appropriate examples.
Sample Response
Large supermarkets are gaining popularity in many countries. Some people argue that small local businesses are finding it extremely difficult to survive in the midst of swift growth and development of supermarkets and that the local communities would die out as the local businesses shut down. I completely disagree with this argument and will try to explain in this essay why so. The reasons for supermarkets becoming popular are manifold. Firstly, they provide a single platform to customers where they can purchase everything they need, ranging from groceries to clothing and more. Consequently, they do not have to make multiple stops at different stores to get the needful, hence, making shopping extraordinarily convenient. Secondly, they offer a number of facilities including car parking, toilets, deli counters, resting areas to make shopping a more comfortable and fun experience. Thus, pulling more and more customers and multiplying the business. As more people opt to shop at supermarkets, local businesses suffer loss and eventually shut down. However, that, in no way, result in local communities' death. Today's customers are resourceful and educated. They have the means of transportation and time to go to supermarkets as shopping has transformed into entertainment. Convenience stores, on the other hand, still have a chance to survive by relocating to an area where there is enough clientage. All in all, local communities can travel to supermarkets just fine and can easily survive in the absence of local convenience stores. In conclusion, supermarkets have given local businesses a tough time. In my opinion, local stores can relocate to carry on and even if they do not, local communities will survive by shopping at supermarkets because they are capable of doing so.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use concise phrasing Original: in the midst of swift growth and development of supermarkets Suggested revision: amid the rapid growth of supermarkets Why it matters: The replacement preserves the idea of rapid expansion without a wordy double noun phrase.
- 2. Clarify the outcome Original: would die out Suggested revision: would disappear Why it matters: "Disappear" expresses the claimed loss of local communities more directly.
- 3. Fix the clause ending Original: why so Suggested revision: why Why it matters: The adverb "why" already introduces the explanation, so "so" is unnecessary and ungrammatical here.
- 4. Use plain wording Original: are manifold Suggested revision: are numerous Why it matters: The replacement conveys the same quantity in a more natural formal expression.
- 5. Complete the range Original: and more Suggested revision: and other products Why it matters: The replacement closes the product range with a clear category rather than a vague add-on.
- 6. Use natural wording Original: get the needful Suggested revision: buy what they need Why it matters: "Get the needful" is not idiomatic standard English in this context.
- 7. Fix the result linker Original: hence, making Suggested revision: thereby making Why it matters: "Thereby" correctly links the reduced number of stops to the resulting convenience without an internal comma.
- 8. Complete the list Original: facilities including car parking, toilets, deli counters, resting areas Suggested revision: facilities including car parks, toilets, deli counters and rest areas Why it matters: The revision uses natural facility names and adds the conjunction required before the final list item.
- 9. Use consistent register Original: a more comfortable and fun experience Suggested revision: a more comfortable and enjoyable experience Why it matters: "Enjoyable" matches the formal register better than the conversational adjective "fun."
- 10. Use plural losses Original: suffer loss Suggested revision: suffer losses Why it matters: The general financial harm requires the plural count noun "losses."
- 11. Fix agreement and punctuation Original: However, that, in no way, result Suggested revision: However, that does not result Why it matters: The singular subject requires "does," and the inserted phrase is unnecessarily separated by commas.
- 12. Use suitable community term Original: local communities' death Suggested revision: the disappearance of local communities Why it matters: Communities disappear or cease to exist; the possessive construction with "death" is unnatural.
Suggested Rewrites
- in the midst of swift growth and development of supermarkets amid the rapid growth of supermarkets
- would die out would disappear
- why so why
- are manifold are numerous
- and more and other products
- get the needful buy what they need
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response takes a recognisable position and explains why malls attract customers through convenience and facilities, while acknowledging pressure on small shops. Its main limitation is task focus: it spends much of the essay rebutting the unprompted claim that communities will "die," offers no concrete example, and only indirectly evaluates the replacement of local shops. Directly weigh the consequences for consumers and small businesses and support the opinion with a specific case.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
A discernible opinion is supported with relevant points about mall convenience and small-shop closures, but the response focuses on community survival and provides no specific example.
Directly evaluate whether replacing small shops is beneficial or harmful, then illustrate the judgement with a concrete town, business, or consumer example.
Coherence and Cohesion
The ideas move broadly from reasons for malls' popularity to effects on local shops and a rebuttal, but one-block presentation and mechanical linking weaken progression.
Use separate paragraphs for the appeal of malls, the consequences for small shops, and the final evaluation of those consequences.
Lexical Resource
The response shows adequate range for retail and community impacts, though expressions such as "get the needful," "multiplying the business," and "clientage" are unnatural.
Use precise alternatives such as "buy what they need," "increase sales," and "a sufficient customer base."
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A range of sentence forms is used and meaning remains clear, but fragments, agreement errors, and awkward clause attachment recur.
Turn "Thus, pulling more and more customers" into a complete sentence and correct agreement in "that does not result in the death of local communities."
Use this task for your next draft
Feedback is more useful when you actively apply it in a draft, rather than only recognising improvements on the page.
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.
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