Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cell phone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?
Sample Response
These days, surveillance technology is increasingly employed to monitor the thoughts and actions of citizens. The individuals who are being monitored are unaware that the surveillance is happening in most cases. Although it can increase security, I believe that there is a more severe disadvantage as it can present a real threat to democracy.
The biggest benefit of individuals being monitored is the fact that it can enhance security to ensure public safety. That is to say, surveillance technologies empower authorities to identify perpetrators, deter illegal activities, and most importantly prevent potential threats, and therefore maintain public safety. For example, the presence of close-circuit cameras in households can dissuade people from involvement in criminal activities, such as vandalism or theft, knowing that they are under surveillance. However, I think that the threat to democracy posed by constant surveillance is a more serious concern.
The main drawback to omnipresence surveillance is that it could pose a threat to democracy by shrinking freedom of expression. This is because it can drive individuals to self-censorship. In simple words, the constant surveillance of people without their consent or knowledge can inculcate a sense of constant fear in citizens’ minds of being watched constantly. In consequence, a person may voluntarily limit his expression to prevent potential danger or scrutiny. Individuals may refrain from debating sensitive issues, involving in political activism, or stating dissenting views. In some countries, the omnipresence of monitoring systems inculcates fear among citizens that they fear to utter their true opinions. For this reason, I contend that constant surveillance of citizens, overall, has a detrimental effect on society and democracy.
To conclude, the main advantage of constant surveillance is that it helps deter criminal activities. However, I believe that the self-censorship is a more significant disadvantage. In light of this discussion, it is evident that it has more disadvantages than advantages.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Match the prompt Original: thoughts and actions Suggested revision: speech and actions Why it matters: This wording more precisely reflects monitoring what people say and do.
- 2. Use natural collocation Original: more severe disadvantage Suggested revision: more serious disadvantage Why it matters: Serious is the more natural adjective for evaluating a disadvantage.
- 3. Make phrasing concise Original: biggest benefit of individuals being monitored Suggested revision: main benefit of monitoring individuals Why it matters: The revision expresses the same idea more directly and formally.
- 4. Remove wordiness Original: the fact that it can enhance Suggested revision: that it can improve Why it matters: The fact that is unnecessary, and improve is a natural verb with security.
- 5. Set off interrupter Original: most importantly prevent Suggested revision: most importantly, prevent Why it matters: The sentence adverb most importantly needs a following comma here.
- 6. Tighten the link Original: potential threats, and therefore maintain Suggested revision: potential threats and thereby maintain Why it matters: Thereby shows more directly that the preceding actions lead to public safety.
- 7. Use direct wording Original: dissuade people from involvement in Suggested revision: dissuade people from engaging in Why it matters: Engaging in is a more concise and natural way to describe participation in crime.
- 8. Use adjective form Original: omnipresence surveillance Suggested revision: omnipresent surveillance Why it matters: An adjective rather than a noun is required to modify surveillance.
- 9. Choose precise verb Original: shrinking freedom of expression Suggested revision: restricting freedom of expression Why it matters: Restricting is the more precise verb for limiting a freedom.
- 10. Use natural transition Original: In simple words Suggested revision: Put simply Why it matters: Put simply is the conventional transition for a restatement.
- 11. Reduce repetition Original: a sense of constant fear Suggested revision: a persistent fear Why it matters: Persistent avoids repeating constant while preserving the intended meaning.
- 12. Remove redundancy Original: of being watched constantly Suggested revision: of being watched Why it matters: The surrounding wording already establishes that the surveillance is constant.
Suggested Rewrites
- thoughts and actions speech and actions
- more severe disadvantage more serious disadvantage
- biggest benefit of individuals being monitored main benefit of monitoring individuals
- the fact that it can enhance that it can improve
- most importantly prevent most importantly, prevent
- potential threats, and therefore maintain potential threats and thereby maintain
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response presents a clear comparative position and develops the democratic-risk argument particularly well through a logical explanation of self-censorship. Its main limitation is some repetitive wording and occasional awkward or imprecise phrasing, while the security example is less fully explored than the disadvantage. The highest-priority improvement is to sharpen collocations and develop the benefits with equally specific, convincing support.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response answers the comparison directly, maintains a clear position, and develops both sides, with the disadvantage explored more fully.
Develop the security benefit with the same depth and precision as the self-censorship argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through well-focused paragraphs, although repeated wording and some overexplicit linking slightly reduce fluency.
Use subtler referencing and reduce repetition of terms such as constant surveillance and fear.
Lexical Resource
A broad topic-specific vocabulary supports precise discussion, despite several awkward collocations and a few inaccurate word choices.
Refine collocations such as closed-circuit cameras, pervasive surveillance, and engaging in political activism.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A good range of complex structures is generally well controlled, with occasional article, preposition, and construction errors that do not impede meaning.
Check parallel verb forms and sentence constructions, especially after verbs such as refrain and phrases expressing cause and fear.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cell phone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.