Advanced technologies like cell phone tracking and security cameras are being used to monitor people’s activities. In many cases, people who are being monitored are unaware of that and many people oppose the use of such monitoring for this reason. Others, however, say that to track crimes it is important to use such technology. Do you think the advantages of monitoring people’s activity outweigh the disadvantages it has?
Sample Response
Technology makes life easy and viable. Gone are the days when people used to use jumbo style instruments to say, hear, view and watch. With the growing changes in technology, one can be tracked with his identity and actions known.
In earlier days when people were contacted using telephones, faxes and telegrams. They used to be at one place and their whereabouts were tracked by the phone they respond. If we consider the recent trends in the technology; it has become feasible and transparent, the mobile phones which are used nowadays are backed up by a network which will be connected with the user of the phone.
Their connectivity to the network provides access to a person’s mobility and actions, with the usage of mobile phone a person can be tracked and his whereabouts can be known. When we consider the security cameras; cameras installed at certain places provide the information regarding the mobility of persons, the cameras installed at various places not only helps in monitoring the traffic surveillance but also help in nabbing the culprits.
If we consider the advantages of these technological developments they are beneficial in averting certain dangerous incidents, definitely the advantages of technology being used in tracking and identifying the suspicious activities are at par. For instance; the security cameras installed in different busy areas survey the movement of suspicious persons and with the help of these footages major calamities/dangerous situations can be averted. The conversation between persons if tapped will certainly help in identifying suspicious activities and saving the aftermath consequences which are danger in nature.
As stated above, the use of technology certainly helps but this technology even steals privacy of people without their knowledge, for instance, the security cameras installed in a shopping complex or restaurant monitor the activities regularly without the knowledge of the people/visitors and this is being used improperly. Even the private conversations between people are tapped and are used for illegal means to gain some undue advantage. Certainly, the advantages outweigh the disadvantages but if the disadvantages are monitored and if the technology is practised ethically.The use of technology in monitoring and tracking certainly helps the peace and harmony of a state and country.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use Natural Description Original: easy and viable Suggested revision: easier and more convenient Why it matters: Viable does not naturally describe life in this context.
- 2. Use Precise Device Term Original: jumbo style instruments Suggested revision: large devices Why it matters: Jumbo style instruments is an unnatural and imprecise phrase.
- 3. Clarify Device Functions Original: to say, hear, view and watch Suggested revision: to communicate, listen, and view content Why it matters: The revised verbs describe the intended technological functions more naturally.
- 4. Improve Technology Collocation Original: growing changes in technology Suggested revision: rapid advances in technology Why it matters: Advances is the natural noun for technological development.
- 5. Complete Passive Structure Original: with his identity and actions known Suggested revision: and have their identity and actions recorded Why it matters: The revision creates a complete coordinated passive construction and uses gender-neutral reference.
- 6. Repair Sentence Fragment Original: In earlier days when people were contacted using telephones, faxes and telegrams. Suggested revision: In earlier days, people were contacted using telephones, faxes and telegrams. Why it matters: Removing when turns the dependent fragment into a complete sentence.
- 7. Use Correct Preposition Original: at one place Suggested revision: in one place Why it matters: In is the appropriate preposition for location within a place.
- 8. Fix Verb Form Original: the phone they respond Suggested revision: the phone they answered Why it matters: Answered is the transitive verb required for responding to a phone call.
- 9. Replace Semicolon Original: the technology; Suggested revision: the technology, Why it matters: The introductory clause should end with a comma rather than a semicolon.
- 10. Name The Process Original: it has become feasible and transparent Suggested revision: tracking has become more feasible and transparent Why it matters: Naming tracking removes the unclear pronoun reference.
- 11. Use Present Tense Original: will be connected with Suggested revision: is connected to Why it matters: The sentence describes a current feature, so present tense and connected to are appropriate.
- 12. Clarify Network Access Original: provides access to a person’s mobility and actions Suggested revision: reveals a person's movements and activities Why it matters: The revision expresses clearly what network connectivity allows others to observe.
Suggested Rewrites
- easy and viable easier and more convenient
- jumbo style instruments large devices
- to say, hear, view and watch to communicate, listen, and view content
- growing changes in technology rapid advances in technology
- with his identity and actions known and have their identity and actions recorded
- In earlier days when people were contacted using telephones, faxes and telegrams. In earlier days, people were contacted using telephones, faxes and telegrams.
Why this response received Band 5.5
The response identifies crime prevention and privacy as the central benefits and risks, and it eventually gives a clear view that the benefits are greater. Nevertheless, much of the opening discussion describes technology without evaluating the question, the comparison remains underdeveloped, and frequent sentence-boundary and wording problems strain clarity. The main priority is to organise the essay around a direct, balanced comparison supported by clearly explained consequences.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The main advantages and disadvantages are identified and a position is stated, but substantial descriptive material is tangential and the comparison is limited.
State the position in the introduction, develop one clear consequence on each side, and explicitly explain why one side carries greater weight.
Coherence and Cohesion
Paragraphing separates broad stages of the discussion, but long run-on sentences, weak referencing, and repetitive framing disrupt progression.
Give each paragraph one clear purpose and divide chained claims into separate sentences linked by precise logical relationships.
Lexical Resource
There is enough topic vocabulary to communicate the main ideas, but frequent inaccurate collocations and word forms make several passages awkward.
Use precise, conventional phrases for surveillance, evidence, privacy, and crime prevention instead of loosely formed expressions and slash constructions.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Some complex structures are attempted, but fragments, run-ons, agreement errors, faulty punctuation, and malformed clauses occur frequently.
Prioritise complete sentence boundaries and accurate subject-verb agreement before attempting extended multi-clause structures.