Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that videos games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits?
Sample Response
Nowadays, people are spending most of their time on computers, mobile phones and the internet. They mostly play video games and watch movies on their devices. So, the increasing usages of the mobile phones and computers for playing video games is a common trend nowadays. Some people believe that playing video games have harmful effects on people, and others believe that it is a useful tool for them. In this essay, I would like to give my reasons for both the aspects and at last in the conclusion, I will give my opinion.
Firstly, people spend their time on computers and mobile phone for playing video games as a form of entertainment to out from stress and daily busy life. There are many kinds of video games available on the internet. For example, some video games require a good level of knowledge to solve problems and puzzles and this is helpful to develop logical reasoning. In some video games, we need to apply our intelligence and do brainstorm so that we can sharpen our capability to solve many difficult problems. This logic can be applied to our study, in order to solve mathematical problems. So, for this reason, I would like to consider that playing video games, which are carefully chosen, is a useful and harmless tool for people.
On the other hand, there are also some disadvantages in playing video games. Some video games require fighting and violent activities to win the game. So, continuous playing of these kinds of games can take individuals to lead the criminal activity. It may a cause serious problem to society. Even, there are some kinds of video games available on the internet which may not require additional knowledge and logic to solve it and they are simply designed to kill time. These kinds of games consume the time of people and make them more tired and lazy about their works and study.
So, putting in a nutshell I would like to say it depends on individuals whether video games are used to learn or to kill time. As of knowing advantages and disadvantages of video games, it is an individual’s own responsibilities to control themselves before wasting their valuable time.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Uncountable noun Original: increasing usages Suggested revision: increasing use Why it matters: Use is uncountable here.
- 2. Remove article Original: the mobile phones Suggested revision: mobile phones Why it matters: The plural is general.
- 3. Agreement Original: playing video games have Suggested revision: playing video games has Why it matters: The gerund phrase is singular.
- 4. Natural phrase Original: both the aspects Suggested revision: both perspectives Why it matters: The article is unnecessary.
- 5. Collocation Original: to out from stress Suggested revision: to escape stress Why it matters: The original phrase is ungrammatical.
- 6. Verb choice Original: do brainstorm Suggested revision: think creatively Why it matters: Brainstorm is not used with do.
- 7. Plural noun Original: applied to our study Suggested revision: applied to our studies Why it matters: Studies is natural for academic work generally.
- 8. Verb pattern Original: take individuals to lead Suggested revision: lead individuals towards Why it matters: The original pattern is not idiomatic.
- 9. Remove article Original: the criminal activity Suggested revision: criminal activity Why it matters: The noun is general here.
- 10. Missing verb Original: It may a cause Suggested revision: It may cause Why it matters: May takes a bare infinitive.
- 11. Natural possessive Original: consume the time of people Suggested revision: consume people's time Why it matters: The possessive is more idiomatic.
- 12. Word choice Original: lazy about their works Suggested revision: less engaged with their work Why it matters: Work is uncountable in this sense.
Suggested Rewrites
- increasing usages increasing use
- the mobile phones mobile phones
- playing video games have playing video games has
- both the aspects both perspectives
- to out from stress to escape stress
- do brainstorm think creatively
Why this response received Band 5.5
The essay discusses educational benefits and possible harms and uses a recognisable four-paragraph structure. Its central weakness is that it never clearly decides whether the drawbacks outweigh the benefits, while several claims, especially the link between violent games and crime, are asserted without adequate support. State a direct comparative position, develop fewer ideas with evidence, and correct frequent agreement, article and word-form errors.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
Both sides are relevant, but the required outweigh judgment remains unclear and key claims are underdeveloped.
State and defend whether harms are greater than benefits.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is logically divided, though signposting is formulaic and progression within sentences is uneven.
Use claim-explanation-example sequences rather than repeated So links.
Lexical Resource
Topic vocabulary is adequate, but inaccurate forms and collocations recur.
Learn common phrases for stress relief, problem-solving and violent behaviour.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A range is attempted, but agreement, articles and verb patterns are frequently inaccurate.
Check plural subjects and infinitive structures systematically.