Some people say that smoking should be permitted in places where people gather to eat or drink. Others find the smell of smoke unpleasant and fear it is bad for everybody’s health. What is your opinion on that?
Sample Response
Today, there is a huge debate about freedom of smoking in the public areas. Although some people believe that smokers should be allowed to smoke in open areas, I personally disagree with it because I think this habit can have more obvious side effects on citizens’ health. It can increase the risk of cancer, asthma and sudden death of newborns.
One obvious risk of smoking is cancer. Passive smokers, who inhale the smoke of cigarette of smokers, usually endanger their health even more than the smokers, based on the studies implemented by American Cancer Institute. Their lungs intake more smoke chemicals, and smoking dust is extremely harmful to these people’s lungs. Another dangerous effect is a sudden death of newborns. Paediatrics have proven that those mothers, who have been more exposed to the smoke, their infants are usually more considerably vulnerable to congenital disorders, and ultimately the rate of mortality can be increased. Breathing over thousands of perilous materials in each puff of smoke can notably raise the risk of abortion in passive pregnant smokers.
Lastly, it can be far risky to asthmatic people. This group usually have a worse irritative respiratory system than the normal humans, and their lung are inflamed by any dust particles, including smoke dust; therefore, even by breathing one minute of smoke in the public, their health will be jeopardised far dramatically.
In conclusion, second-hand smoking is very risky to all humans, especially those having respiratory diseases. I personally believe that this habit not only can increase the risk of malignancy, but asthmatic attacks and infant mortality will become more highly dangerous. If I was a governor, I would consider more restrictions to smokers visiting public locations.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Natural phrase Original: freedom of smoking Suggested revision: the freedom to smoke Why it matters: Freedom to do something is the correct pattern.
- 2. General noun Original: the public areas Suggested revision: public areas Why it matters: No article is needed for a general plural noun.
- 3. Task focus Original: open areas Suggested revision: places where people eat or drink Why it matters: The task is specifically about eating and drinking places, not all open areas.
- 4. Collocation Original: side effects on citizens’ health Suggested revision: harmful effects on public health Why it matters: This is more natural and directly relevant.
- 5. Awkward phrase Original: smoke of cigarette of smokers Suggested revision: cigarette smoke from smokers Why it matters: This removes repetition and uses the natural noun phrase.
- 6. Verb choice Original: Their lungs intake Suggested revision: Their lungs take in Why it matters: Take in is the correct verb phrase here.
- 7. Wrong term Original: smoking dust Suggested revision: smoke particles Why it matters: Dust is not the right term for smoke exposure.
- 8. Article use Original: a sudden death of newborns Suggested revision: sudden death in newborns Why it matters: This is more natural for the health condition.
- 9. Comma misuse Original: those mothers, who have been more exposed Suggested revision: mothers who have been more exposed Why it matters: The relative clause is defining, so remove the commas.
- 10. Verb choice Original: Breathing over thousands Suggested revision: Inhaling thousands Why it matters: Inhale is the precise verb for smoke.
- 11. Comparative form Original: far risky Suggested revision: far riskier Why it matters: Use the comparative adjective after far.
- 12. Agreement Original: This group usually have Suggested revision: This group usually has Why it matters: Group is singular.
Suggested Rewrites
- freedom of smoking the freedom to smoke
- the public areas public areas
- open areas places where people eat or drink
- side effects on citizens’ health harmful effects on public health
- smoke of cigarette of smokers cigarette smoke from smokers
- Their lungs intake Their lungs take in
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay gives a clear opinion against smoking in eating and drinking places and develops relevant health reasons, though it could address the opposing freedom argument more directly.
Add one brief concession about smokers' freedom, then explain why public health outweighs it in shared spaces.
Coherence and Cohesion
Paragraphing and progression are clear, with each body paragraph focused on a health risk, but some linking and referencing is repetitive.
Group the health impacts more logically and use clearer topic sentences that connect back to restaurants and public gathering places.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary range is good and sometimes ambitious, but several collocations are unnatural or overly technical.
Keep precise health vocabulary but avoid awkward phrases such as freedom of smoking and far risky.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A variety of structures is attempted, but article errors, comparison forms, and clause control errors occur regularly.
Check comparative adjectives, subject-verb agreement, and conditional forms.