It is said that the amount of violence on TV programmes has negative effects on our social development and therefore should be reduced. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Sample Response
The impact of violence depicted in television programmes on social development is a subject of ongoing concern. I firmly concur with the viewpoint that the prevalence of violence on TV has adverse effects and warrants a reduction. This essay will expound on the reasons supporting this stance.
First and foremost, exposure to high levels of violence on television can desensitise individuals, particularly the younger demographic, to aggressive behaviour and its consequences. Numerous studies have indicated a correlation between prolonged exposure to violent content and an increase in aggressive tendencies among viewers. For instance, a study conducted by the American Psychological Association found a clear link between violent media consumption and aggressive behaviour, especially in children and adolescents. This desensitisation to violence can hinder the development of empathy, conflict resolution skills, and a sense of social responsibility, all of which are crucial for healthy social development.
Furthermore, the proliferation of violent content on television can exacerbate societal issues related to crime and aggression. It can perpetuate harmful stereotypes and normalise violent behaviour as an acceptable means of conflict resolution. This can have a ripple effect on communities, potentially leading to an increase in real-world violence and crime rates. By reducing the portrayal of violence in TV programmes, society can mitigate these negative social repercussions and work towards a more harmonious and empathetic environment.
In conclusion, the reduction of violence in television programmes is essential for fostering healthy social development. By minimising exposure to graphic content, particularly among impressionable audiences, we can contribute to a more compassionate and responsible society. This approach aligns with the broader goal of creating an environment conducive to positive social growth and overall well-being.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use direct phrasing Original: subject of ongoing concern Suggested revision: matter of ongoing concern Why it matters: This collocation is slightly more natural and direct in formal prose.
- 2. Reduce formality Original: firmly concur with the viewpoint that Suggested revision: firmly agree that Why it matters: The shorter phrase expresses the same position more naturally.
- 3. Clarify the action Original: warrants a reduction Suggested revision: should be reduced Why it matters: This wording states the proposed action more plainly.
- 4. Prefer plain language Original: expound on Suggested revision: explain Why it matters: The simpler verb is more precise and less ceremonious.
- 5. Name the audience Original: younger demographic Suggested revision: younger viewers Why it matters: This identifies the relevant television audience more precisely.
- 6. Tighten the phrase Original: aggressive behaviour and its consequences Suggested revision: aggression and its consequences Why it matters: The noun form makes the phrase more concise without changing the meaning.
- 7. Use present tense Original: have indicated a correlation Suggested revision: indicate a correlation Why it matters: The present simple suits a general summary of an established body of research.
- 8. Sharpen the meaning Original: prolonged exposure Suggested revision: repeated exposure Why it matters: This more directly conveys recurring contact with violent content.
- 9. Use concrete wording Original: aggressive tendencies Suggested revision: aggressive behaviour Why it matters: This is more concrete and consistent with the behaviour being discussed.
- 10. Use academic verb Original: found a clear link Suggested revision: identified a clear link Why it matters: The revised verb more precisely describes a research finding.
- 11. Link evidence to effect Suggested revision: Connect the research example directly to the following discussion of empathy, conflict resolution, and social responsibility. Why it matters: A clearer bridge would make the progression from evidence to social consequences easier to follow.
- 12. Clarify causal sequence Suggested revision: Use an explicit causal transition between normalising violence and the later community-level consequences. Why it matters: This would make the paragraph's cause-and-effect progression more transparent.
Suggested Rewrites
- subject of ongoing concern matter of ongoing concern
- firmly concur with the viewpoint that firmly agree that
- warrants a reduction should be reduced
- expound on explain
- younger demographic younger viewers
- aggressive behaviour and its consequences aggression and its consequences
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response presents a consistently clear position and develops it through relevant explanations of desensitisation and wider social harm, using fluent and precise language throughout. Its main limitation is that the second argument relies more on asserted consequences than detailed evidence. The highest-priority improvement is to substantiate that causal link with a more specific explanation or example.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response directly answers the question, maintains a clear position, and develops two relevant reasons with supporting detail.
Develop the claimed link between televised violence and real-world crime more specifically rather than leaving part of it as an assertion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically across well-focused paragraphs, with cohesive devices and referencing used clearly and unobtrusively.
Create an even tighter transition between the individual effects in the first body paragraph and the societal effects in the second.
Lexical Resource
A wide and precise vocabulary conveys abstract ideas naturally, including appropriately controlled topic-specific language.
Reduce slight repetition of terms such as violence, social, and development by varying phrasing where precision is preserved.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A broad range of complex sentence structures is used accurately, with consistently clear and controlled grammar.
Refine sentence rhythm by occasionally shortening densely modified sentences while maintaining the existing grammatical accuracy.
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