Some people believe in the traditional idea that the woman’s place is in the home, while others say that idea is outdated and that women should play an increasingly important role in the workplace of the future. What is your opinion on that?
Sample Response
Nowadays, the role of females has thoroughly become different compared to the past. While they had to take responsibility for home duties far more than males, now their roles in the workforce has become more obvious. Some individuals might disagree with it; however, I personally believe that both genders must equally be permitted to participate in different careers. On the one hand, the role of women was mostly catering for their children and related duties of home, and some say that this was extremely important to societies. One obvious benefit was that their children were more under control than now. Mothers had more time to raise their children and had sufficient control over their children’s behaviour, while unfortunately now they are more involved in their job and have less opportunity to have a close relationship with them. Another advantage was that this could have a positive influence on couples’ relationships, and the rate of successful marriage partners was far higher than now. For instance, in the USA, because of this change, the percentage of divorce increased dramatically, from 10% in the 1970s to just over 25% in 2000s, according to a report in a US family magazine. On the other hand, I personally agree with the method supporting females have the identical fortune to work in different jobs. One important factor behind it is that they are and will be more talented in different fields of jobs because they are more prosperous workers or scientists. As a prime example, in space, they have a better tolerance to difficult conditions they face than the male ones. Their physiology can help them to adapt better to some weird weather conditions and they have been successful as similar as men in their job. Furthermore, it is based on humans’ rights. Apparently, all humans must be given equal opportunity to live and work, and all national organisations are trying to develop this policy. Females can have better performance in all types of jobs, especially in those linking to emotion. In this way, had not they allowed to work as a psychologist, less depressed patients would have been cured appropriately! In conclusion, while in the past women had less role in working, now they have more crucial roles. From my point of view, it will be against the basics of humans’ rights if they are not given permission to work similar to men, and their aptitude is valuable in some specific types of jobs, far than men.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural collocation Original: has thoroughly become different Suggested revision: has changed considerably Why it matters: This replacement expresses the change naturally and precisely.
- 2. Fix subject agreement Original: their roles in the workforce has become Suggested revision: their role in the workforce has become Why it matters: The singular verb must agree with a singular subject in this construction.
- 3. Clarify the reference Original: disagree with it Suggested revision: disagree with this development Why it matters: Naming the development makes the pronoun reference clearer.
- 4. Place adverb naturally Original: must equally be permitted Suggested revision: must be equally permitted Why it matters: The adverb belongs after the passive auxiliary here.
- 5. Improve the collocation Original: important to societies Suggested revision: important for society Why it matters: This preposition and uncountable noun form a more natural collocation.
- 6. Use precise wording Original: more under control than now Suggested revision: better supervised than they are now Why it matters: The revision states the comparison more precisely and naturally.
- 7. Improve count and wording Original: have less opportunity to have Suggested revision: have fewer opportunities to maintain Why it matters: Use fewer with countable opportunities and avoid repeating have.
- 8. Correct the noun phrase Original: successful marriage partners Suggested revision: successful marriages Why it matters: The argument concerns the success of marriages rather than successful partners.
- 9. Use standard term Original: the percentage of divorce Suggested revision: the divorce rate Why it matters: Divorce rate is the conventional expression for this statistic.
- 10. Add the article Original: in 2000s Suggested revision: in the 2000s Why it matters: Decade names require the definite article in this phrase.
- 11. Remove awkward phrasing Original: different fields of jobs Suggested revision: different fields Why it matters: Fields already denotes areas of work, so of jobs is unnecessary.
- 12. Choose accurate adjective Original: prosperous workers or scientists Suggested revision: successful workers or scientists Why it matters: Prosperous usually describes financial wealth rather than competence at work.
Suggested Rewrites
- has thoroughly become different has changed considerably
- their roles in the workforce has become their role in the workforce has become
- disagree with it disagree with this development
- must equally be permitted must be equally permitted
- important to societies important for society
- more under control than now better supervised than they are now
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response presents a clear position and supports it with a substantial discussion of both traditional domestic roles and women's participation in employment. Its main weakness is the frequent use of inaccurate or unnatural grammar and vocabulary, which sometimes obscures otherwise relevant ideas. The highest priority is to express each argument in simpler, more precise sentences and check collocations, agreement, and comparative forms carefully.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
A clear opinion is maintained and supported by relevant arguments, although several examples and claims are insufficiently substantiated.
Develop fewer claims more convincingly by explaining exactly how each example proves that equal workplace participation is beneficial.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument progresses through contrasting viewpoints and a conclusion, but the long unbroken presentation and mechanical signposting weaken cohesion.
Divide the response into purposeful paragraphs and use clearer referencing to connect supporting details to each central idea.
Lexical Resource
The response attempts a broad vocabulary, but frequent inaccurate collocations and word choices reduce precision and naturalness.
Prefer familiar, exact expressions such as equal opportunity and perform better, and verify less familiar collocations before using them.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A range of complex structures is attempted, but recurring agreement, article, comparison, and clause-formation errors limit control.
Prioritise accurate sentence patterns, especially subject-verb agreement and comparative structures, before adding more complex conditional forms.
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Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.
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