The use of mobile phones is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certain places so mobile phones should be banned like smoking. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
Some people believe that smoking is akin to using mobile phones in terms of how antisocial they are, and thus, similar to smoking, there should be a ban on the use of these electronic devices in some places. In this essay, I will challenge the notion that these two behaviors are alike in their antisocial implications and argue that such a ban is not justified.
While it is indisputable that smoking poses severe health risks and thereby should be restricted in public spaces to protect non-smokers from passive smoking, the same cannot be said for mobile phone use. Unlike smoking, which directly impacts the well-being of those nearby, mobile phones have a minimal effect on the health of surrounding individuals. As a result, the introduction of a ban on mobile phones in the same manner as smoking is questionable. Furthermore, it is important to carefully consider that the implementation of a ban on phone use may necessitate a significant allocation of resources to ensure compliance, diverting valuable funds from other pressing priorities such as education.
To add further credence to my assertion, the proposed ban on mobile phones could potentially yield counterproductive outcomes by negatively affecting individuals' lives. Many rely on mobile phones as essential tools for maintaining communication with clients or colleagues, integral to their professional responsibilities. Disrupting this communication channel may lead to a breakdown in their work processes. Similarly, individuals often use their mobile phones to connect with loved ones, to find entertainment during tedious journeys, particularly on public transport, and to serve a multitude of other purposes. Restricting this access could diminish citizens' overall satisfaction and interfere with their personal matters.
In conclusion, I firmly oppose the idea of banning mobile phones due to the distinctive roles they play in our everyday lives. Also, the comparison between smoking and mobile phone use, while drawn from concerns of antisocial behavior, lacks a fundamental similarity in their impact on the well-being of those nearby.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use concise phrasing Original: in terms of how antisocial they are Suggested revision: in terms of their antisocial effects Why it matters: This version expresses the comparison more directly and avoids the vague pronoun construction.
- 2. Clarify comparison link Original: and thus, similar to smoking, Suggested revision: and that, as with smoking, Why it matters: This wording links the proposed ban to the comparison more smoothly.
- 3. Choose natural collocation Original: implications Suggested revision: effects Why it matters: 'Antisocial effects' is a clearer and more natural collocation in this context.
- 4. Place adverb naturally Original: and thereby should be restricted Suggested revision: and should therefore be restricted Why it matters: 'Therefore' is more naturally placed after the modal verb in this clause.
- 5. Reduce nominalisation Original: the introduction of a ban on mobile phones Suggested revision: banning mobile phone use Why it matters: The verb phrase is more concise while preserving the original claim.
- 6. Remove unnecessary modifier Original: carefully consider that Suggested revision: consider that Why it matters: 'Carefully' adds little because 'consider' already implies deliberate thought.
- 7. Avoid redundant hedging Original: could potentially yield Suggested revision: could yield Why it matters: 'Could' already expresses possibility, making 'potentially' redundant.
- 8. Use direct wording Original: breakdown in their work processes Suggested revision: disruption to their work Why it matters: The revision conveys the same consequence more clearly and concisely.
- 9. Improve collocation Original: find Suggested revision: seek Why it matters: 'Seek entertainment' is the more natural collocation for this intended meaning.
- 10. Restore parallel structure Original: to serve a multitude of other purposes Suggested revision: for a multitude of other purposes Why it matters: The current wording incorrectly makes individuals, rather than phones, serve the purposes.
- 11. Group uses by function Suggested revision: Group the professional uses first and the personal uses second, then link each group directly to the consequence of restricting access. Why it matters: This ordering would strengthen progression through the paragraph without adding a new argument.
Suggested Rewrites
- in terms of how antisocial they are in terms of their antisocial effects
- and thus, similar to smoking, and that, as with smoking,
- implications effects
- and thereby should be restricted and should therefore be restricted
- the introduction of a ban on mobile phones banning mobile phone use
- carefully consider that consider that
Why this response received Band 8.0
The essay presents a clear, consistent position and develops two relevant reasons through well-connected explanations of health effects, enforcement costs, work, and personal communication. Its main limitation is that some claims are slightly broad or wordy, particularly the enforcement-cost point; the highest-priority improvement is to support that claim with a more concrete illustration and express it more directly.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response fully addresses the question, maintains a clear disagreement, and develops relevant reasons for rejecting an equivalent ban.
Strengthen the enforcement-cost argument with a specific example of where monitoring resources would be required.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through focused paragraphs, and cohesive devices guide the reader without obscuring the argument.
Make the link between the health comparison and the policy conclusion even tighter by trimming repetitive restatement.
Lexical Resource
A wide and precise vocabulary supports nuanced argument, although a few phrases are more elaborate than necessary.
Replace wordy expressions such as 'add further credence to my assertion' with direct transitions that foreground the next reason.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex structures is used accurately and flexibly, with only minor awkwardness in a few long sentences.
Refine modifier placement and clause balance in longer sentences so each relationship is immediately clear.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
The use of mobile phones is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certain places so mobile phones should be banned like smoking. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.