In some countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that it is the responsibility of governments to solve the problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
The increasing rate of childhood obesity in various countries has become a serious public health concern. While some argue that the government should take full responsibility for addressing this issue, I firmly believe that although government intervention is important, the role of parents and society at large cannot be overlooked.
There is no denying that the government can play a pivotal role in improving children’s health. Authorities can implement policies to regulate food marketing targeted at children, impose taxes on sugary drinks and junk food, and ensure that schools provide nutritious meals. Moreover, governments can launch nationwide awareness campaigns promoting physical activity and healthy eating habits. These measures can significantly reduce the consumption of unhealthy foods and increase awareness about the long-term risks of obesity.
However, placing the entire responsibility on the government is neither practical nor effective. Parents are the primary influencers in a child’s life and have the most control over their daily habits. If parents continue to allow excessive screen time, serve unhealthy meals, and neglect physical activity, even the most well-designed government policies will fall short. Furthermore, schools and local communities also play a vital role in shaping children’s behavior. Educators must incorporate health education into the curriculum and provide opportunities for regular physical exercise.
In conclusion, while governments have the power and resources to tackle childhood obesity through policy and regulation, I strongly believe that the problem requires a collaborative effort. Parents, schools, and society must also be actively involved to ensure that children develop and maintain healthy lifestyles.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use precise measure Original: The increasing rate of childhood obesity Suggested revision: The rising prevalence of childhood obesity Why it matters: Prevalence is a more precise term for how widespread obesity is in a population.
- 2. Keep number consistent Original: the government should take full responsibility Suggested revision: governments should take full responsibility Why it matters: The plural form aligns with the essay’s reference to various countries and later references to governments.
- 3. Refine collocation Original: targeted Suggested revision: aimed Why it matters: Aimed at is the more natural collocation for describing an intended audience.
- 4. Use natural collocation Original: increase awareness about Suggested revision: raise awareness of Why it matters: Raise awareness of is the conventional academic collocation.
- 5. Avoid ambiguous noun Original: Parents are the primary influencers Suggested revision: Parents exert the greatest influence Why it matters: This phrasing avoids the modern social-media association of influencer and states the relationship directly.
- 6. Clarify pronoun reference Original: the most control over their daily habits Suggested revision: the greatest control over their children’s daily habits Why it matters: The possessive noun removes ambiguity about whose daily habits are controlled.
- 7. Add affected object Original: allow excessive screen time Suggested revision: allow their children excessive screen time Why it matters: Adding the object makes explicit who receives the excessive screen time.
- 8. Clarify parental action Original: neglect physical activity Suggested revision: fail to encourage physical activity Why it matters: This wording clearly describes the parental omission intended by the sentence.
- 9. Use correct superlative Original: the most well-designed government policies Suggested revision: the best-designed government policies Why it matters: Best-designed is the idiomatic superlative form of well-designed.
- 10. Remove duplicated addition Original: Furthermore, schools and local communities also play Suggested revision: Furthermore, schools and local communities play Why it matters: Furthermore already signals addition, so also is redundant here.
- 11. Avoid redundancy Original: regular physical exercise Suggested revision: regular exercise Why it matters: Exercise is already physical, so the modifier is unnecessary.
- 12. Use countable plurals Original: through policy and regulation Suggested revision: through policies and regulations Why it matters: The plural forms better represent the multiple measures described in the essay.
Suggested Rewrites
- The increasing rate of childhood obesity The rising prevalence of childhood obesity
- the government should take full responsibility governments should take full responsibility
- targeted aimed
- increase awareness about raise awareness of
- Parents are the primary influencers Parents exert the greatest influence
- the most control over their daily habits the greatest control over their children’s daily habits
Why this response received Band 8.5
The response directly answers the question with a clear, nuanced position and develops a persuasive division of responsibility among government, parents, schools, and communities. The organisation and language are highly controlled, though some support remains at the level of plausible policy explanation rather than detailed evidence. The best refinement would be to deepen one example or causal link while preserving the essay's concise focus.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The position is clear throughout, and both government responsibility and the need for shared action are fully and relevantly developed.
Add one more specific consequence or example to deepen the otherwise convincing policy analysis.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response is exceptionally easy to follow, with purposeful paragraphing and cohesive devices that guide a seamless progression.
Vary the opening transitions slightly to make the progression feel even less formulaic.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is wide, precise, and consistently appropriate for the topic, with strong control of natural collocation.
Replace a few conventional phrases with more individual wording while retaining the same level of precision.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex structures is handled with excellent accuracy and control throughout the response.
Maintain this accuracy while experimenting with slightly greater variety in sentence openings and emphasis.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
In some countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that it is the responsibility of governments to solve the problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.