The use of mobile phones is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certain places so mobile phones should be banned like smoking. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
This response is estimated at Band 8.0. Can you write a better one?
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Sample Response
The pervasiveness of mobile phones in public spacesspace has divided people over whether their use should be restricted in the same way as smokingin the same way smoking is. While there are some similarities between these activities, a ban on mobile phone use is not a convincing solution in my opinion.
On the one hand, there are reasons to support banning cell phones in certain places. Primarily, many users are often glued to their phone screens for hours on end, so these devices can be just as addictive as cigarettes are. Minors are most vulnerable to phone addiction becausephone addiction, because the distracting visual elements on an electronic display cripplecripples their concentration, in addition to straining their eyesight. Both smoking and using phones, furthermore, posepossess health risks. Smokers expose themselvesFor smokers, they expose themselves and nearby people to various respiratory illnesses, whereas mobile phone users frequently come into contact with electromagnetic radiation from the device. Banning phones, at least in public spacesspace, would therefore seem helpful in averting several dangers.
On the other hand, it is not always appropriate to prohibit people from utilizing their cellular devices. Firstly, mobile phones have uses, as opposed to cigarettes, which are solely consumable productswhich are strictly consumables. People such as entrepreneurs and managers rely on their phones for work, so banning them from doing so would be unreasonable. Claims about the health risks of mobile phonesmobile phones’ health risk, moreover, are unclear at best and unfounded at worstnebulous at best and otherwise unfounded. This is evident in the fact that since they were invented, no widespread health problemsno outbreaks of health issues caused by cellular devices have been recorded. Meanwhile, many studies into the possible health implications of mobile phone usage have failed to produce conclusive findings. Taking these points into account, there is little basis left to justify prohibiting cell phones.
In my opinion, while both smoking and using a mobile phone can provoke displeasure in nearby people, it is hardly warranted to ban the latter. It may, instead, be more effective to educate users on how to useeducate users how to use their gadgets responsibly.
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response is persuasive, clearly positioned, and developed through a balanced comparison of the claimed similarities and important differences between phones and smoking. Its sophisticated organisation and vocabulary are strong, though a few claims in favour of a ban are less convincing and several local grammatical or collocational slips remain. Strengthen the argument by grounding the public-place restriction case in clearer effects on other people and polishing those isolated language errors.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The task is fully addressed with a clear nuanced position and well-developed arguments on both the proposed analogy and the justification for a ban.
Make the supporting case even sharper by distinguishing private health concerns from harms that specifically justify restrictions in public places.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response progresses logically, uses focused paragraphs, and manages cohesive links effectively throughout.
Refine the transition within the first body paragraph so the shift from addiction to health effects feels more tightly integrated.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is wide, flexible, and generally precise, with only occasional awkward combinations such as possess health risks.
Choose the most natural collocation when using advanced vocabulary so sophistication remains consistently idiomatic.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A broad range of complex sentences is used with strong control, while a few agreement and verb-pattern errors are isolated and non-impeding.
Proofread subject-verb agreement and patterns such as educate users on how to use devices responsibly.