Some employers offer their employees subsidized membership of gyms or sports clubs, believing that this will make their staff healthier and thus more effective at work. Other employers see no benefit in doing so. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Sample Response
These days, some employers offer their employees the facilities to do exercise as they think that a healthier crew of staff means more productivity and more revenue for their business while others think that it brings no benefit to them. In this essay, I will discuss both views, but personally, I am in favour of the former view.
On an average, workers may spend up to three-quarters of their day sitting down on their desks to get their job done as best and fast as they can except, of course, they do not know that such “marathon attachment to their desks and chairs” can contribute to a range of preventable health conditions, like back injuries and stress, depression or anxiety. Now, this information alone should be enough of a reason for the employers to motivate their employees to get involved with some sort of physical or gym activities. But, in case, if it does not, then they should consider that according to a UK government report on May 8, 2018, published by its “Department for digital, culture, media & sports, in the year 2017, just over 1.3 million workers suffered from work-related ill-health, which equated to 25.7 million working days lost.
Of course, those, who do not care much about the health of their employees, suggest that health and fitness can not be spoon-fed. They are correct to some extent because our lifestyle is often a choice that we make. They also argue that if someone does not take any initiative on his or her own to improve his or her health, then the chances are that the initiatives on the part of a company would not also really make much of a difference.
In conclusion, the opponents of promoting better health for employees may have a point or two, but that does not necessarily mean that employers should not try to take some sort of initiative to make their employees healthier. And the sooner, the employers take such initiatives, the better will it fare for their businesses.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural staff phrase Original: a healthier crew of staff Suggested revision: a healthier workforce Why it matters: Workforce is the natural collective noun here.
- 2. Remove extra article Original: On an average Suggested revision: On average Why it matters: The fixed expression is on average.
- 3. Correct desk preposition Original: sitting down on their desks Suggested revision: sitting at their desks Why it matters: Employees sit at desks, not on them.
- 4. Use parallel adverbs Original: as best and fast Suggested revision: as well and quickly Why it matters: Parallel adverbs are required after the verb phrase.
- 5. Use concise structure Original: enough of a reason Suggested revision: reason enough Why it matters: Reason enough is the more natural construction.
- 6. Remove double condition Original: in case, if it does not Suggested revision: if it does not Why it matters: In case and if should not introduce the same condition.
- 7. Use one-word form Original: can not Suggested revision: cannot Why it matters: Cannot is normally written as one word.
- 8. Order adverbs naturally Original: would not also really make Suggested revision: would not really make Why it matters: Also is unnecessary and disrupts the verb phrase.
- 9. Use natural exercise phrase Original: facilities to do exercise Suggested revision: opportunities to exercise Why it matters: Opportunities to exercise is the natural expression for employer support.
- 10. Use comparative nouns Original: more productivity and more revenue Suggested revision: greater productivity and revenue Why it matters: Greater collocates naturally with both uncountable nouns.
- 11. Correct contrast clause Original: except, of course, they do not know Suggested revision: although they may not realise Why it matters: Although creates the intended contrast without the ungrammatical except clause.
- 12. Introduce examples formally Original: health conditions, like Suggested revision: health conditions, such as Why it matters: Such as is the standard formal phrase for introducing examples.
Suggested Rewrites
- a healthier crew of staff a healthier workforce
- On an average On average
- sitting down on their desks sitting at their desks
- as best and fast as well and quickly
- enough of a reason reason enough
- in case, if it does not if it does not
Why this response received Band 6.5
The essay maintains a clear position and addresses both perspectives, with the strongest development in its health and absenteeism case for employer action. The opposing view is narrower, and the link between subsidised membership and greater workplace effectiveness is sometimes assumed rather than demonstrated. Develop the counterargument through cost or low participation, explain the productivity mechanism explicitly, and edit the overlong sentences and awkward collocations.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both views and a consistent opinion are presented, with relevant support for health benefits, although the counterview and the direct business impact receive less development.
Explain how subsidies could reduce absence or improve performance, and expand the opposing case with concerns such as cost and voluntary participation.
Coherence and Cohesion
The four-part structure is logical and progression is generally clear, but the long second paragraph and some cumbersome transitions weaken flow.
Break the health case into shorter evidence-and-explanation sequences and remove redundant connectors such as "But, in case, if."
Lexical Resource
The essay shows a reasonably broad range of workplace and health vocabulary, alongside awkward phrases such as "crew of staff" and "facilities to do exercise."
Use precise combinations such as "workforce," "exercise facilities," "gym membership," and "work-related illness."
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Varied complex structures convey the argument, but article, punctuation, preposition, and clause errors recur in longer sentences.
Simplify overloaded sentences and correct forms such as "on average," "sitting at their desks," and "the sooner employers act, the better their businesses will fare."
Write this task while it is fresh
Try the same task now. It helps you remember the feedback and write better next time.
IELTS Writing Task 2
Some employers offer their employees subsidized membership of gyms or sports clubs, believing that this will make their staff healthier and thus more effective at work. Other employers see no benefit in doing so. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.