A lot of people believe that the amount of violence shown on TV and in the cinema affects the actions of our young people and therefore increases the amount of violence in our society today. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? What can be done to reduce violence in our society today?
Sample Response
The question of whether the amount of violence on TV and cinema has affected young people in our society is something which cannot be quantified or proved. My opinion is though that the answer is “yes, it has”.
TV and cinema today do show a large amount of violence and, although we try and shield our young people from seeing too much, they still get to watch it. At the age of eighteen in my country they can see everything anyway. Violence on the streets has increased. That has been proved. The connection between TV‛s and the cinema‛s obsession with violence and today‛s street violence cannot be proved but it is logical that the two are connected. Young people imitate what they see and it is logical that they see glamour in what they do when they commit violence.
How can we lessen violence? Reducing the amount of violence on TV and in the cinema would certainly be a good start. Being more vigilant about what age children are when they see violence in these media, and raising the age limits would also help. Another good idea would be to channel the violence of young people. I don‛t think that national service should be re-established in this country but, if people are convicted of violence and sent to prison, then why not give them the option of serving in the army. Their violence will be controlled and they will be subjected to discipline so that they will be better able to control themselves when they leave.
Thus I agree with the statement that cinema and TV violence affects the young people in our society. There are some things that can be done to better the situation but I doubt whether anything will be done.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Fix clause structure Original: My opinion is though that Suggested revision: In my opinion, however, Why it matters: This structure introduces the writer's view naturally and sets off however correctly.
- 2. Use formal infinitive Original: and Suggested revision: to Why it matters: Try to is the more appropriate construction in formal academic writing.
- 3. Improve the expression Original: TV‛s and the cinema‛s obsession Suggested revision: television and cinema’s obsession Why it matters: The revision uses consistent medium names and a correct possessive form.
- 4. Correct the apostrophe Original: today‛s Suggested revision: today’s Why it matters: The possessive form requires a standard apostrophe.
- 5. Clarify the meaning Original: see glamour in what they do Suggested revision: view their violent actions as glamorous Why it matters: This wording expresses the intended perception of violent behaviour more precisely.
- 6. Use precise phrasing Original: when they see violence in these media Suggested revision: when they are exposed to violence in these media Why it matters: Are exposed to more accurately describes encountering media content.
- 7. Choose precise wording Original: channel the violence of young people Suggested revision: channel young people’s aggression Why it matters: Aggression is the quality being redirected, whereas violence refers more directly to acts.
- 8. Use natural phrasing Original: cinema and TV violence Suggested revision: violence in cinema and on TV Why it matters: The revised prepositions clearly identify where the violence is shown.
- 9. Use formal verb Original: better Suggested revision: improve Why it matters: Improve is the more natural formal verb for changing the situation positively.
- 10. Sentence rewrite Original: The question of whether the amount of violence on TV and cinema has affected young people in our society is something which cannot be quantified or proved. Suggested revision: Whether violence on television and in the cinema has affected young people in our society is difficult to quantify or prove. Why it matters: The rewrite removes the vague phrase something which and corrects the expression for cinema.
- 11. Sentence rewrite Original: At the age of eighteen in my country they can see everything anyway. Suggested revision: In my country, however, people aged eighteen can watch any content. Why it matters: The rewrite removes the unclear pronoun and places the country phrase where its meaning is unambiguous.
- 12. Sentence rewrite Original: I don‛t think that national service should be re-established in this country but, if people are convicted of violence and sent to prison, then why not give them the option of serving in the army. Suggested revision: I do not think that national service should be re-established in this country, but people convicted of violence and sent to prison could be given the option of serving in the army. Why it matters: The rewrite corrects the misplaced comma and integrates the proposed alternative into a complete declarative structure.
Suggested Rewrites
- My opinion is though that In my opinion, however,
- and to
- TV‛s and the cinema‛s obsession television and cinema’s obsession
- today‛s today’s
- see glamour in what they do view their violent actions as glamorous
- when they see violence in these media when they are exposed to violence in these media
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response is strongest in its direct position and clear coverage of both the proposed media influence and possible ways to reduce violence. Its main limitation is uneven development: several causal claims are asserted as logical rather than convincingly demonstrated, while the proposal to send violent offenders into the army is questionable and insufficiently examined. The highest-priority improvement is to support fewer solutions with deeper, more credible reasoning.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response answers both questions and maintains a clear position, but some central claims and solutions are only partly developed or persuasive.
Choose the most credible measures and explain their practical mechanism and likely effect instead of relying on assertion.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument progresses clearly from the writer's position to causes, solutions, and a concise conclusion, with effective overall paragraphing.
Combine some short, abrupt statements and make the progression within the causal paragraph more explicitly reasoned.
Lexical Resource
The response uses a good range of topic-appropriate vocabulary, though repetition and a few unnatural expressions reduce precision.
Replace vague or awkward phrases such as seeing glamour in violence and bettering the situation with more exact formulations.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex structures are frequent and meaning remains clear, although occasional agreement, punctuation, and possessive-form errors occur.
Review agreement in long noun phrases and avoid unnecessary possessive forms when referring generally to television and cinema violence.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
A lot of people believe that the amount of violence shown on TV and in the cinema affects the actions of our young people and therefore increases the amount of violence in our society today. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? What can be done to reduce violence in our society today?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.