A lot of people believe that the amount of violence shown on TV and in the cinema affects the actions of our young people and therefore increases the amount of violence in our society today. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? What can be done to reduce violence in our society today?
This response is estimated at Band 7.0. Can you write a better one?
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Sample Response
The question of whether the amount of violence on TV and cinema has affected young people in our society is something which cannot be quantified or proved. However, my opinion is thatMy opinion is though that the answer is “yes, it has”.
TV and cinema today do show a large amount of violence and, although we try toand shield our young people from seeing too much of itseeing too much, they can still watch itthey still get to watch it. At the age of eighteen in my country, they can see everything anyway. Violence on the streets has increased. That has been proved. The connection between the TV and the cinema obsession with violence and today's street violence cannot be proved but it is logical that the two are connected. Young people imitate what they see and it is logical that they view their violent behaviour as glamorousthey see glamour in what they do when they commit violence.
How can we lessen violence? Reducing the amount of violence on TV and in the cinema would certainly be a good start. Being more vigilant about the age at which children can see violence in these mediawhat age children are when they see violence in these media, and raising the age limits would also help. Another good idea would be to channel young people’s aggressionchannel the violence of young people. I don'tdon‛t think that national service should be re-established in this country, but ifthis country but, if people are convicted of violent offencesconvicted of violence and sent to prison, they could be giventhen why not give them the option of serving in the army. Their violent behaviourTheir violence will be controlled and they wouldwill be subjected to discipline so that they wouldwill be better able to control themselves when they leave.
Thus I agree with the statement that violence in cinema and on TVcinema and TV violence affects young people in our societythe young people in our society. There are some things that can be done to improve the situation, butbetter the situation but I doubt whether anything will be done.
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response is strongest in maintaining a clear position and answering both the influence question and the request for solutions, with a straightforward progression from argument to action. Its main limitation is that several claims rely on assertion, and the proposal to send violent offenders into the army is insufficiently justified. The highest-priority improvement is to develop each solution with a credible mechanism and likely outcome while avoiding speculative leaps.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response answers both parts and sustains a clear opinion, but some reasoning and the army proposal remain insufficiently supported.
Explain each solution's mechanism and consequences, especially why military service would safely reduce later violence.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument progresses clearly from position to explanation and solutions, though some short sentences and rhetorical shifts make cohesion less smooth.
Combine closely related claims and use more explicit logical links when moving from evidence to inference.
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary is sufficiently varied for the topic, but repetition and several imprecise expressions limit flexibility and exactness.
Reduce repetition of violence and young people by using precise topic-specific alternatives without forcing synonyms.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response shows a good range of generally accurate structures, with occasional awkward clauses and punctuation that do not impede meaning.
Revise rhetorical and heavily embedded sentences so their clause boundaries, punctuation, and subject relationships remain fully controlled.