Television injects violence in children, and programs with violent scenes should be banned. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Sample Response
The general level of aggressive behaviour seems to be elevated in youngsters from the current generation. The intensity of negative traits such as violence is becoming more commonplace among children and this tendency is a matter of concern for many parents. It is widely surmised that the source of this phenomenon is the presence of violent television content available for children. In my opinion, television is a single source out of several which facilitate aggressive tendencies among youngsters. In the following paragraphs, I will explore the topic in detail and justify my views on the same.
To begin with, it is important to address that the minds of juveniles are highly sensitive to the influence of any kind. Thus, if a child is displaying undesirable tendencies like aggression, putting the entire blame on what the infant views on the television are illogical. The household ambience, experience at school and the nature of a child’s friends circle are also highly consequential in the development of a young person’s personality.
Additionally, programs and shows that are broadcast on television are considered art forms and will be interpreted differently by different people. Thus, one person might be influenced by the brutal imagery of a certain program whereas another person might not be impacted at all by the same program. Thereby, banning T.V. shows on the basis that they ignite hostile practices among a segment of the population is not an effective measure against the matter in question.
Nevertheless, the inclination towards condemning the material broadcasted on television is understandable since the nature of these television programs has changed over the years. That being said, prohibiting such films and shows is not a viable course of action and will lead to a loss in the number of viewers since currently, the global audience prefers more shock value in television content.
Finally, I would like to conclude by saying that the roots of belligerent habits amongst the youth are several and the origin of such behaviour cannot be traced back to a single source. That being said, altering what an infant views on the television is not a practical approach to this issue since television broadcasts are produced keeping in mind a huge audience globally.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Correct the preposition Original: from Suggested revision: in Why it matters: Use 'in' to locate this trend within a generation.
- 2. Separate two clauses Original: children and this tendency Suggested revision: children, and this tendency Why it matters: A comma is needed before the coordinating conjunction joining two independent clauses.
- 3. Use a natural collocation Original: surmised Suggested revision: believed Why it matters: 'Widely believed' is the more natural expression for a commonly held view.
- 4. Clarify accessibility Original: content available for children Suggested revision: content accessible to children Why it matters: 'Accessible to children' expresses their ability to encounter the content more precisely.
- 5. Fix the source phrase Original: a single source out of several which facilitate Suggested revision: one of several sources that facilitate Why it matters: This form states naturally that television belongs to a group of contributing sources.
- 6. Remove vague reference Original: justify my views on the same Suggested revision: justify my view Why it matters: 'The same' is vague and unnecessary because the topic is already clear.
- 7. Correct the reporting verb Original: address Suggested revision: recognize Why it matters: 'Recognize that' takes a clause naturally, whereas 'address that' does not fit this meaning.
- 8. Use concise wording Original: highly sensitive to the influence of any kind Suggested revision: highly susceptible to external influences Why it matters: The revision expresses vulnerability to influence more directly and naturally.
- 9. Use the standard collocation Original: putting the entire blame Suggested revision: placing all the blame Why it matters: English conventionally uses 'place the blame' in this construction.
- 10. Choose age-appropriate wording Original: what the infant views Suggested revision: what the child watches Why it matters: 'Child' and 'watches' fit the television context more naturally than 'infant' and 'views'.
- 11. Match the singular subject Original: are Suggested revision: is Why it matters: The gerund phrase 'putting the entire blame' is singular and requires 'is'.
- 12. Fix the noun phrase Original: friends circle Suggested revision: circle of friends Why it matters: 'Circle of friends' is the standard English expression.
Suggested Rewrites
- from in
- children and this tendency children, and this tendency
- surmised believed
- content available for children content accessible to children
- a single source out of several which facilitate one of several sources that facilitate
- justify my views on the same justify my view
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response maintains a clear position that violent television is only one influence on children and organizes its reasons logically. Its main limitation is that several claims, especially the argument about audience numbers and shock value, are only loosely connected to whether a ban is justified. The highest-priority improvement is to develop each reason with a specific causal explanation or example that directly tests the proposed ban.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A clear and consistent rejection of a ban is supported by several relevant reasons, although some points remain general or weakly connected to the proposal.
Develop the argument against banning with a concrete example and replace the audience-loss point with a reason that directly addresses effectiveness or rights.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay progresses logically through distinct reasons, with clear paragraphing and generally effective referencing despite some formulaic transitions.
Use fewer stock linking phrases and make the logical relationship between the fourth paragraph and the central position more explicit.
Lexical Resource
The response shows a broad vocabulary, but recurrent awkward collocations and imprecise choices such as referring to children as infants reduce naturalness.
Prioritize accurate, natural collocations over elevated synonyms and check that each noun precisely fits the age group or behaviour described.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A varied range of complex structures is used with generally good control, though occasional agreement and punctuation errors remain.
Proofread subject-verb agreement in long clauses and streamline heavily modified sentences so grammatical relationships remain clear.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Television injects violence in children, and programs with violent scenes should be banned. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.