Television injects violence in children, and programs with violent scenes should be banned. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Sample Response
According to social studies, violence among children is escalating day by day, which keeps the entire nation on alert, especially their parents. Some people cite the best solution to this thorny issue is to eliminate all violence-related programs on television while others perceive it as a drastic answer.
On one hand, it is undeniable that with a view to attracting an increasing number of viewers each year, programmers try to modify their movies, shows and documents dotted with sensational scenes, particularly violence one. Studies have shown that some kids who used guns and threatened others at school confessed that they just imitated naively their heroic actions on television. In this case, television programs are partly to blame. Nevertheless, would it he totally equitable when the reasons are traced to other sources, say, internet, newspaper and others, apart from television? Internet is a typical example of having such viral influence which affects adversely kids’ behavior due to belligerent online games while newspapers and picture books are fraught with images with guns, whips and other means, even in the hands of sexy teenagers.
In addition, the lack of parental caring, environment and more education are culprits of spiral violence among children. Born and growing up in families where their parents often resort to barbaric actions in teaching children, the latter are vulnerable to see this behavior as acceptable whereas educators, instead of endeavoring to engender in children’s moral codes, are too busy with academic teaching and cast this mission on the parents who are unfortunately in the circle of rat race. Children are not spared the social effects when they are living in the society in which the unemployment rate is on the rise, leading to a corresponding climb in crime rate. In a word, without close supervision of parents and educators and a crime-free ambiance in places where children live, it is undeniable that they will be easily injected with any flow of thinking and action, especially from uncut sources on the internet, television and through unhealthy real life experience.
Other effective remedies to this dilemma are that programs on television should be censored before being publicly shown along with the limitation of age in watching any violence-related movies. More importantly, it is time for government to set limit on themselves for the fact that they often let advertisers and producers promote sensational programs for the sake of profit, rather than educational one. It would be ironic to expect kids to be exempt from violence when each day, their eyes are awake with aggressive actions from celebrities on television’s advertisement.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Add a reporting clause Original: cite the best solution to this thorny issue is Suggested revision: argue that the best solution to this thorny issue is Why it matters: Argue that correctly introduces the proposition that follows.
- 2. Separate contrasting clauses Original: television while others Suggested revision: television, while others Why it matters: A comma is needed before while when it links these contrasting independent clauses.
- 3. Complete the linker Original: On one hand Suggested revision: On the one hand Why it matters: The fixed contrastive expression requires the definite article.
- 4. Name the correct role Original: programmers Suggested revision: producers Why it matters: Producers create or modify television content, whereas programmers write code.
- 5. Use the media term Original: documents Suggested revision: documentaries Why it matters: Documentaries is the intended type of television programme.
- 6. Fix adjective and number Original: particularly violence one Suggested revision: particularly violent ones Why it matters: Violent must be adjectival and ones must agree with the plural scenes.
- 7. Fix adverb placement Original: imitated naively their heroic actions Suggested revision: naively imitated the heroic actions Why it matters: The adverb belongs before the verb, and the definite article removes the unclear pronoun reference.
- 8. Correct the typo Original: he Suggested revision: be Why it matters: Be is the required infinitive after would.
- 9. List examples precisely Original: say, internet, newspaper and others Suggested revision: such as the internet, newspapers, and other media Why it matters: The revision introduces examples naturally and gives the items consistent forms.
- 10. Clarify the influence Original: Internet is a typical example of having such viral influence Suggested revision: The internet is a typical example of such a pervasive influence Why it matters: The revision adds the article and replaces the unsuitable phrase viral influence.
- 11. Fix adverb placement Original: which affects adversely kids’ behavior Suggested revision: which adversely affects children's behaviour Why it matters: The adverb naturally precedes the verb, and children's is more suitable in formal writing.
- 12. Use the correct preposition Original: with Suggested revision: of Why it matters: Images of is the natural phrase for pictures depicting objects.
Suggested Rewrites
- cite the best solution to this thorny issue is argue that the best solution to this thorny issue is
- television while others television, while others
- On one hand On the one hand
- programmers producers
- documents documentaries
- particularly violence one particularly violent ones
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response develops a substantial argument through relevant causes, examples, and practical alternatives to a total ban, demonstrating a broad vocabulary and a generally logical direction. However, the stance remains more implied than explicitly stated, and frequent awkward constructions sometimes blur otherwise useful ideas; the highest priority is to state a clear degree of agreement and organise the supporting discussion around that position in controlled sentences.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Relevant reasons and alternatives are developed at length, but the response never states its precise degree of agreement clearly and lacks a concluding confirmation of its position.
State directly that a total ban is excessive, then make every paragraph support that judgment and close with a concise conclusion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress broadly from television's influence to other causes and alternative remedies, though long paragraphs and overextended sentences weaken clarity.
Give each paragraph one sharply defined function and split long chains of causes and examples into shorter, more purposeful units.
Lexical Resource
There is a broad and sometimes sophisticated lexical range, but frequent inaccurate collocations and word choices make the expression uneven.
Choose natural combinations for violence, parental care, censorship, and government regulation, checking that each ambitious word expresses the intended meaning.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response attempts many complex forms, but frequent errors in agreement, articles, clause construction, and sentence control occasionally strain comprehension.
Use fewer overloaded sentence structures and check subject-verb agreement and clause boundaries before adding subordinate detail.
Write this task while it is fresh
Try the same task now. It helps you remember the feedback and write better next time.
IELTS Writing Task 2
Television injects violence in children, and programs with violent scenes should be banned. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.