Recent figures show an increase in violent crime among youngsters under the age of 18. Some psychologists claim that the basic reason for this is that children these days are not getting the social and emotional learning they need from parents and teachers. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Sample Response
It appears that the youth crime rate in the modern world is increasing at an alarming rate. Although there may be many factors causing this issue, it is perceivable that the absence of suitable education provided by parents and teachers are the major problems behind this circumstance. This position will thus be analysed in the following paragraphs, supported by relevant examples.
Firstly, parents' increasing occupational commitments have limited their opportunities to educate children on moral qualities. The current economic condition of the contemporary society requires parents to spend more time at work. This has consequently created fewer interactions between children and parents, precluding youngsters from learning basic emotional aspects such as love and affection from adults. An exemplary case can be seen from my cousin, who barely gets a chance to learn about a specific manner to talk to strangers or elderly people. Hence, it seems that such reality has disabled him to possess an ethical mindset, which might cause behavioural problems outside the home in the future.
Secondly, the modern education system enforces students to obtain tangible achievements, rather than ethical perspectives. For instance, there was a girl in my high school who performed well academically. Although she frequently offended other classmates' feelings with foul words, she was continuously favoured by teachers because of her good grades. It is personally felt that such an inappropriate teaching motives of the teachers have left many students to focus on achieving material accomplishments, regardless of how badly one behaves.
In conclusion, the two aforementioned ideas clearly encapsulate how the lack of solid and ethical supervisions by adults leaves children to develop problematic thoughts and behaviour.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use concise scope Original: crime rate in the modern world Suggested revision: crime rate worldwide Why it matters: Worldwide expresses the same global scope more concisely.
- 2. Use natural collocation Original: parents' increasing occupational commitments Suggested revision: parents' growing work commitments Why it matters: Work commitments is the more natural expression for employment demands.
- 3. Use natural phrasing Original: current economic condition of the contemporary society Suggested revision: current economic conditions in society Why it matters: The plural conditions and preposition in produce the natural general expression.
- 4. Use precise collocation Original: created fewer interactions Suggested revision: reduced interaction Why it matters: Reduced interaction is the conventional way to describe less contact between people.
- 5. Choose precise noun Original: aspects Suggested revision: qualities Why it matters: Qualities fits examples such as love and affection more precisely than aspects.
- 6. Use natural expression Original: gets Suggested revision: has Why it matters: Have a chance is the standard collocation for an opportunity.
- 7. Use natural phrasing Original: a specific manner to talk Suggested revision: an appropriate way to speak Why it matters: An appropriate way to speak clearly expresses the social behaviour intended.
- 8. Use clear reference Original: such reality Suggested revision: this situation Why it matters: This situation refers clearly and naturally to the limited parental guidance described.
- 9. Correct verb pattern Original: disabled him to possess Suggested revision: prevented him from developing Why it matters: Prevent takes from plus an -ing form and better conveys the intended effect.
- 10. Correct verb pattern Original: enforces students to obtain Suggested revision: forces students to pursue Why it matters: Force takes an object followed by to, while pursue collocates naturally with achievements.
- 11. Choose precise wording Original: tangible Suggested revision: measurable Why it matters: Measurable more precisely describes academic results such as grades.
- 12. Use parallel concept Original: perspectives Suggested revision: development Why it matters: Ethical development is the educational outcome being contrasted with achievement.
Suggested Rewrites
- crime rate in the modern world crime rate worldwide
- parents' increasing occupational commitments parents' growing work commitments
- current economic condition of the contemporary society current economic conditions in society
- created fewer interactions reduced interaction
- aspects qualities
- gets has
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response maintains a clear position and uses a well-defined two-part structure to examine parental absence and school priorities. Its main limitation is that the examples concern manners and verbal misconduct more than violent crime, so the central causal link remains only partly demonstrated; recurring unnatural word choices also weaken precision. The highest priority is to connect each example explicitly to serious offending and support that progression with plausible explanation.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A clear degree of agreement is sustained and both parents and teachers are discussed, but the evidence does not convincingly bridge poor social learning and violent crime.
Explain the stages by which inadequate emotional guidance could escalate into violent offending and use examples that demonstrate that specific outcome.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay progresses logically through an introduction, two focused body paragraphs and a concise conclusion, with generally effective linking.
Strengthen cohesion within each body paragraph by making the relationship between the illustrative behaviour and the crime claim explicit.
Lexical Resource
The response attempts a broad academic vocabulary, but recurrent unnatural collocations and inaccurate word choices reduce precision and flexibility.
Prefer natural expressions such as moral guidance, meaningful interaction, academic achievement and inadequate adult supervision over forced abstractions.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A range of complex sentences is used and meaning remains clear, though agreement, article, number and verb-pattern errors recur.
Check subject-verb agreement and verb complementation carefully, especially structures such as the absence is, forces students to and prevents him from developing.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Recent figures show an increase in violent crime among youngsters under the age of 18. Some psychologists claim that the basic reason for this is that children these days are not getting the social and emotional learning they need from parents and teachers. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.