Recent figures show an increase in violent crime among youngsters under the age of 18. Some psychologists claim that the basic reason for this is that children these days are not getting the social and emotional learning they need from parents and teachers. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Sample Response
The 21st century has witnessed a sudden and consistent surge of criminal offences including physical, social and cyber-crimes by people, especially by youngsters who are under the age of 18 years. This incidence is not attributed to a particular gender or religion and this is undoubtedly alarming for the social harmony across the globe. Many people, social activists including psychologists suggest that these behavioural tragedies happen due to the lack of attention to the children from their parents and teachers. In my opinion, though the above-said context is true and significant, there are obviously a number of other reasons contributing to it. Nowadays, people have a hectic lifestyle that they are engaged mostly in professional life and hence there is little room for family life and recreation. Compared to ancient days, family get together and involvement among family members are often seen rarely. Therefore children who are students, normally enjoy their freedom than they deserve and they are not given enough counselling in order to make them able to choose what's best for them. Teachers are also majorly looking at the academic performances rather than social and emotional development. On the other hand, there are so many other factors which could actually make the scenario worse. The use of the cyber world, the addiction to online social media are arguably some of them. This enables pupils to experiment new things which were normally entitled to only adolescents in the early generation. Students and youngsters are also being influenced by the violent games and negative role plays in the movies. Moreover, the availability of drugs and narcotic materials have made the situation dangerous. For example, reports suggest that in India, the use of euphoric substances such as Marijuana has inclined to lead to the rise in the number of registered police cases. The lack of education to parents regarding all these topics are also a contributing factor. In a nutshell. I certainly believe that day by day more youngsters are engaged in anti-social activities and this can only be prevented by a systematic approach by both parents and by the governments.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Clarify the agent Original: by people, especially by youngsters Suggested revision: committed especially by youngsters Why it matters: The participle makes the relationship between the offences and those committing them clearer.
- 2. Choose the right noun Original: incidence Suggested revision: trend Why it matters: Incidence does not naturally refer back to a continuing rise in offences here.
- 3. Punctuate the inclusion Original: Many people, social activists including psychologists suggest Suggested revision: Many people, including social activists and psychologists, suggest Why it matters: The inserted including phrase needs commas and a coordinated list.
- 4. Use a precise term Original: these behavioural tragedies Suggested revision: these violent behaviours Why it matters: Behavioural tragedies is an unnatural label for the criminal conduct being discussed.
- 5. Fix the relationship Original: attention to the children from their parents and teachers Suggested revision: attention given to children by their parents and teachers Why it matters: The revised passive structure clearly identifies who gives attention to whom.
- 6. Use natural phrasing Original: above-said context Suggested revision: argument Why it matters: Above-said context is unnatural and does not accurately name the psychologists' claim.
- 7. Repair the clause link Original: people have a hectic lifestyle that they are engaged mostly in professional life Suggested revision: people have hectic lifestyles and are engaged mostly in professional life Why it matters: That cannot join the noun lifestyle to the independent statement that follows.
- 8. Remove conflicting adverbs Original: are often seen rarely Suggested revision: are rarely seen Why it matters: Often and rarely contradict each other in this clause.
- 9. Complete the comparison Original: enjoy their freedom than they deserve Suggested revision: enjoy more freedom than they should Why it matters: The comparative construction requires more before freedom.
- 10. Use a concise verb Original: make them able to choose Suggested revision: enable them to choose Why it matters: Enable expresses the same meaning more directly and naturally.
- 11. Use formal wording Original: majorly looking at Suggested revision: mainly focused on Why it matters: Majorly looking at is unnatural in this academic context.
- 12. Coordinate the subjects Original: The use of the cyber world, the addiction to online social media are Suggested revision: The use of the cyber world and addiction to online social media are Why it matters: The two subject phrases should be linked with and rather than only a comma.
Suggested Rewrites
- by people, especially by youngsters committed especially by youngsters
- incidence trend
- Many people, social activists including psychologists suggest Many people, including social activists and psychologists, suggest
- these behavioural tragedies these violent behaviours
- attention to the children from their parents and teachers attention given to children by their parents and teachers
- above-said context argument
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response presents a clear, qualified position and considers both the stated lack of guidance and several plausible alternative causes. Its main limitation is that supporting claims are often broad or imprecise, while the single-paragraph structure and recurring language errors weaken control. The highest priority is to develop fewer causes with specific, credible explanation and organise them into distinct, purposeful paragraphs.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response addresses the opinion directly, maintains a qualified position, and develops several relevant causes, though some support remains general.
Develop two or three key causes more fully with precise causal explanation and a clearly relevant example.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically from parental and teacher influence to other causes, but the absence of paragraphing and some mechanical links reduce cohesion.
Separate the introduction, main lines of argument, and conclusion into purposeful paragraphs with clearer internal topic progression.
Lexical Resource
A reasonably broad vocabulary communicates the argument, but several inaccurate or unnatural collocations weaken precision.
Prefer accurate, natural combinations such as commit offences, greater freedom, and increased drug use over elaborate but awkward phrasing.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response uses varied complex structures, but recurring agreement, article, preposition, comparison, and punctuation errors limit control.
Proofread clause boundaries and subject-verb agreement, especially in long sentences and sentences with compound subjects.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Recent figures show an increase in violent crime among youngsters under the age of 18. Some psychologists claim that the basic reason for this is that children these days are not getting the social and emotional learning they need from parents and teachers. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.