The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Sample Response
It is certainly true that the position of women in society has undergone a dramatic change in the past twenty years but I do not feel that this is a direct cause of the indisputable increase in juvenile-related problems during this period. It is now accepted that young women should find work on leaving school; indeed to rely totally on their parents' financial support is no longer an option for many families. Likewise, once they get married, the majority of women continue working since the financial pressures of setting up a house and establishing a reasonable standard of living often require two incomes. Twenty years ago it was common for women to give up work once they had children and devote their time to caring for their children. This is no longer the general rule and the provision of professionally-run child care facilities and day nurseries have removed much of the responsibility for child-rearing that used to fall to mothers. However, these facilities come at a cost and often require two salaries coming into a family to be afforded. I do not believe that the increase in the number of working mothers has resulted in children being brought up less well than previously. Indeed it could be argued that by giving mothers the opportunity to work and earn extra money children can be better provided for than previously. There is more money for luxuries and holidays and a more secure family life is possible. Of course, there are limits as to the amount of time that ideally should be spent away from home and the ideal scenario would be for one of the parents (often the wife) to have a part-time job and thus be available for their children before and after school. It is important to establish the correct balance between family life and working life.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Add coordinating comma Original: years but I do not Suggested revision: years, but I do not Why it matters: A comma is required before “but” when it joins two independent clauses.
- 2. Avoid absolute wording Original: indisputable Suggested revision: apparent Why it matters: “Indisputable” presents the trend as beyond question without support in the response.
- 3. Set off linking adverb Original: indeed to rely Suggested revision: indeed, to rely Why it matters: The sentence-opening linking adverb after the semicolon requires a comma.
- 4. Use household collocation Original: setting up a house Suggested revision: establishing a household Why it matters: The replacement describes creating an independent family home more naturally.
- 5. Remove unnecessary hyphen Original: professionally-run Suggested revision: professionally run Why it matters: An adverb ending in “-ly” does not take a hyphen before the participle.
- 6. Match head noun Original: have Suggested revision: has Why it matters: The head of the subject is the singular noun “provision,” so the verb must be singular.
- 7. Add linker comma Original: Indeed it could Suggested revision: Indeed, it could Why it matters: A sentence-opening conjunctive adverb requires a comma.
- 8. Separate introductory clause Original: earn extra money children Suggested revision: earn extra money, children Why it matters: A comma is needed after the introductory by-clause before the main subject.
- 9. Use concise preposition Original: limits as to Suggested revision: limits on Why it matters: “Limits on” is the standard and more concise prepositional pattern.
- 10. Place adverb naturally Original: amount of time that ideally should be spent Suggested revision: amount of time that should ideally be spent Why it matters: The adverb normally follows the modal verb in this passive phrase.
- 11. Use parallel noun Original: working life Suggested revision: work Why it matters: “Family life and work” forms a more natural and concise contrast.
- 12. Use employment collocation Original: young women should find work Suggested revision: young women should seek employment Why it matters: “Seek employment” is a more precise formal expression than “find work.”
Suggested Rewrites
- years but I do not years, but I do not
- indisputable apparent
- indeed to rely indeed, to rely
- setting up a house establishing a household
- professionally-run professionally run
- have has
Why this response received Band 7.5
The response offers a clear, measured disagreement and its strongest point is that working mothers can provide financial security while professional childcare preserves child-rearing support. Its main limitation is that the essay does not directly explore alternative causes of juvenile problems, and the single-block structure hides the progression. Prioritise a separate paragraph comparing parental employment with stronger causal factors such as peers, schools, or social conditions.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A consistent disagreement is supported by relevant financial, childcare, and family-balance arguments, though alternative causes of youth problems are omitted.
Contrast working mothers with at least one more plausible cause of juvenile delinquency to challenge the claimed causal link directly.
Coherence and Cohesion
The reasoning progresses logically from social change to childcare, financial benefits, and balance, but the entire response forms one paragraph.
Separate the position, economic context, childcare rebuttal, and qualified conclusion into focused paragraphs.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied, precise, and natural across social, financial, and childcare topics, with only minor repetition.
Reduce repeated references to 'previously' and 'children' by using clear, controlled substitution where appropriate.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A broad range of complex structures is generally accurate, with occasional agreement, punctuation, and attachment lapses.
Correct agreement in 'the provision ... has removed' and clarify the sentence about two salaries affording childcare.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.