Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do so many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem?
Sample Response
Physical inactivity has become a major health concern in modern society, with many working individuals leading a sedentary lifestyle. This has led to a plethora of health problems, including obesity, diabetes, and heart diseases. The reasons for this lack of exercise amongst working individuals are multifaceted, but some potential solutions do exist.
One reason for this phenomenon is the nature of many modern jobs, which require individuals to sit at a desk for long periods of time. This lack of physical activity is further exacerbated by the widespread use of technology, which means that many tasks can be performed without leaving one's desk. Additionally, the pressure to meet work targets and deadlines can lead to longer working hours, leaving little time for exercise.
Another contributing factor is the availability of leisure time activities. Many people tend to choose passive activities such as watching television or browsing social media over physical exercise due to convenience and ease. Furthermore, the high cost of gym memberships or other physical activities can deter some individuals from engaging in regular exercise.
There are several solutions to this problem. Employers can take an active role in promoting physical activity by providing facilities such as on-site gyms, standing desks, and incentives for employees who engage in regular exercise. Additionally, introducing regular breaks during the workday to engage in physical activity can also be effective. Governments can also play a role in encouraging physical activity by providing public parks and recreation areas.
In conclusion, the lack of exercise among working individuals is a multifaceted problem, caused by a combination of factors such as sedentary jobs and the availability of leisure time activities. Nevertheless, solutions such as the provision of facilities and breaks during the workday can promote physical activity, leading to better health outcomes.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Prefer neutral wording Original: plethora Suggested revision: range Why it matters: ‘A range of’ is more neutral and precise in this academic context.
- 2. Use uncountable noun Original: diseases Suggested revision: disease Why it matters: ‘Heart disease’ is normally used as an uncountable general category.
- 3. State this directly Original: some potential solutions do exist Suggested revision: several potential solutions exist Why it matters: The revision removes unnecessary emphasis and expresses the point more concisely.
- 4. Remove redundancy Original: long periods of time Suggested revision: long periods Why it matters: ‘Periods’ already conveys a span of time, so the final words are unnecessary.
- 5. Use precise description Original: passive Suggested revision: sedentary Why it matters: ‘Sedentary’ more precisely describes activities involving little physical movement.
- 6. Use natural comparison Original: over physical exercise Suggested revision: rather than physical exercise Why it matters: ‘Rather than’ makes the contrast between the two choices more natural.
- 7. Clarify the cause Original: due to convenience and ease Suggested revision: because they are convenient and easy Why it matters: The clause clearly connects people’s choice to the qualities of the passive activities.
- 8. Make items parallel Original: gym memberships or other physical activities Suggested revision: gym memberships or fees for other physical activities Why it matters: The revision coordinates two types of costs rather than a membership with an activity.
- 9. Summarise accurately Original: factors such as sedentary jobs and the availability of leisure time activities Suggested revision: factors such as sedentary jobs and a preference for passive leisure activities Why it matters: This wording accurately reflects the earlier point about people choosing passive leisure options.
- 10. Sentence rewrite Original: Employers can take an active role in promoting physical activity by providing facilities such as on-site gyms, standing desks, and incentives for employees who engage in regular exercise. Suggested revision: Employers can promote physical activity by providing on-site gyms and standing desks, as well as offering incentives to employees who exercise regularly. Why it matters: The rewrite avoids classifying incentives as facilities and makes the list grammatically parallel.
- 11. Sentence rewrite Original: Additionally, introducing regular breaks during the workday to engage in physical activity can also be effective. Suggested revision: Additionally, employers could introduce regular breaks during the workday so that employees can engage in physical activity. Why it matters: The rewrite gives the action a clear agent and removes the implication that the breaks themselves exercise.
- 12. Signal the change in actor Suggested revision: Add a clear transition when moving from employer-led measures to the government-led measure. Why it matters: The final sentence changes responsibility from employers to governments without explicitly marking that shift.
Suggested Rewrites
- plethora range
- diseases disease
- some potential solutions do exist several potential solutions exist
- long periods of time long periods
- passive sedentary
- over physical exercise rather than physical exercise
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response addresses both causes and solutions directly, with a particularly strong logical structure that makes the argument easy to follow. Its main limitation is that a few points, especially the role of government and the cost of exercise, are asserted more briefly than the workplace examples. The highest-priority improvement is to deepen those less-developed ideas by explaining precisely how each proposed measure would overcome a stated cause.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both questions are fully addressed through relevant causes and practical solutions, although a few supporting links are comparatively brief.
Develop the government and affordability points with a clearer explanation of how they would change workers' exercise habits.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is well organised, with focused paragraphs and clear progression from causes to solutions and conclusion.
Make the cause-solution links even tighter by explicitly pairing each proposed measure with the obstacle it addresses.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied, appropriate, and generally precise, with only occasional formulaic or slightly imprecise phrasing.
Refine less exact expressions such as broad references to physical activities and leisure-time activities for greater specificity.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of sentence structures is used accurately and flexibly, with only minor non-impeding lapses.
Maintain this control while tightening occasional noun choices and agreement patterns, such as using heart disease as an uncountable category.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do so many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.