Many of the diseases which afflict people who do office jobs are the direct result of a sedentary lifestyle. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
Nowadays hard work dwindles as more people work in offices. Although we suffer less from the pains and tiredness of manual work, we are in fact afflicted by the sedentary lifestyle of office work, as many critics suggest. Personally, I agree with this idea. For people working in offices, sitting for too long in the soft chair or sofa is the direct cause of a number of diseases. As is often the case, workers in offices tend to deal with their work either by using the computer or by checking documents and writing reports. And all such work requires a person to sit in a chair by a desk for a long time. This will cause backaches, neck aches as few people have a good sitting habit and it is even harder for them to sit properly in a long time. Secondly, sitting for a long time means they cannot exercise their body or simply stretch out their arms and legs often, which results in bad blood circulation and even obesity. Worse still, they can suffer from psychological pressure for lack of exercises that are essential to personal happiness. However, some argue that sedentary lifestyle in offices is not the direct cause of a lot of diseases. They claim that although office work requires them to sit for long, they can relax and exercise their body after work and at weekends. The fallacy in this argument is that it thinks many people are so energetic that they are eager to exercise themselves after a long day of exhaustion due to their work, not to mention that at weekends people are not always free to do anything they want to do. In conclusion, it is reasonable to say that sedentary lifestyle of office work is the direct cause of a number of diseases. Work takes up most of our time, and if it does not make enough time and space for proper physical adjustments and relaxation, we will not be able to lead a healthy lifestyle. For employers, they should come up with some useful strategies to deal with the problem.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Clarify the opening Original: Nowadays hard work dwindles Suggested revision: Nowadays, manual work is declining Why it matters: 'Hard work dwindles' does not clearly express the intended contrast with office work.
- 2. Use precise nouns Original: pains and tiredness Suggested revision: physical strain and fatigue Why it matters: These nouns describe the effects of manual work more precisely.
- 3. Improve the collocation Original: afflicted by the sedentary lifestyle of office work Suggested revision: harmed by the sedentary nature of office work Why it matters: People are more naturally described as harmed by the sedentary nature of work.
- 4. Use relevant wording Original: the soft chair or sofa Suggested revision: an office chair Why it matters: The specific softness of the seat and reference to a sofa distract from the point about prolonged sitting.
- 5. Use natural collocation Original: deal with their work Suggested revision: perform their work Why it matters: 'Perform their work' is the natural expression for carrying out job tasks.
- 6. Remove weak connector Original: And all such work Suggested revision: All such work Why it matters: The conjunction is unnecessary because the sentence directly continues the preceding explanation.
- 7. Use concise phrasing Original: in a chair by a desk Suggested revision: at a desk Why it matters: 'At a desk' conveys the office position naturally and concisely.
- 8. Clarify cause link Original: neck aches as Suggested revision: neck pain because Why it matters: 'Because' clearly introduces the cause, while 'neck pain' is the standard uncountable form.
- 9. Use correct collocation Original: a good sitting habit Suggested revision: good sitting posture Why it matters: 'Sitting posture' describes bodily position more accurately than 'sitting habit'.
- 10. Correct time phrase Original: sit properly in a long time Suggested revision: maintain proper posture for a long time Why it matters: A duration takes 'for', and 'maintain proper posture' states the action naturally.
- 11. Remove unnecessary object Original: cannot exercise their body Suggested revision: cannot exercise Why it matters: 'Exercise' is naturally used without 'their body' in this general sense.
- 12. Use natural phrasing Original: stretch out their arms and legs often Suggested revision: stretch their arms and legs regularly Why it matters: The phrasal verb and adverb placement are awkward in the original wording.
Suggested Rewrites
- Nowadays hard work dwindles Nowadays, manual work is declining
- pains and tiredness physical strain and fatigue
- afflicted by the sedentary lifestyle of office work harmed by the sedentary nature of office work
- the soft chair or sofa an office chair
- deal with their work perform their work
- And all such work All such work
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response states and sustains a clear position, explaining several plausible physical and psychological consequences and engaging with a counterargument. Its main limitation is presentation and precision: the whole discussion appears as one paragraph, while recurring awkward collocations weaken otherwise clear meaning. The priority is to organize the argument into distinct paragraphs and use more natural expressions for exercise, posture, circulation, and workplace health.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The position is clear throughout, and relevant health effects are explained with a counterargument and rebuttal, though some causal claims are overgeneralized.
Qualify the causal claims and support them with a more specific example showing how prolonged inactivity contributes to particular conditions.
Coherence and Cohesion
The ideas follow a logical sequence, but presenting the entire response as one paragraph obscures the stages of the argument.
Use separate paragraphs for the main effects, the counterargument and rebuttal, and the conclusion.
Lexical Resource
The response demonstrates sufficient range for the topic, but recurring awkward combinations reduce lexical precision and naturalness.
Use more idiomatic collocations such as poor circulation, prolonged sitting, physical activity, and maintain good posture.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex structures are attempted successfully and meaning is clear, although article, plural, pronoun, and preposition errors appear repeatedly.
Review noun phrases and verb patterns carefully, especially countable nouns and constructions following sit, exercise, and suffer from.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Many of the diseases which afflict people who do office jobs are the direct result of a sedentary lifestyle. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.