Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do so many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem?
Sample Response
Nowadays, the ratio of employed people who suffer from different health-related issues is increasing faster than ever and their general health condition is deteriorating. Such a cataclysm has stemmed from work pressure, lack of physical exercise and dependency on machines to do our work. Exercise, encouragement from the employer and the government to do workouts, and finally, a balanced diet are the solutions to this problem.
One of the primary reasons for working people not to do enough or any exercise is the abysmal working conditions where working life is extremely competitive and full of anxiety. For instance, employers have constant deadlines and tough targets at their offices, and to achieve them, they have to work long hours each day. It drains their stamina, and as a consequence, they do not want to do any exercise even when they are at home. In addition, dependency on technology has deteriorated the condition. Due to technological advancements, people have exchanged the available time for exercise with browsing the internet, watching television and checking their accounts on social media websites. They also prefer to drive than to walk, and use washing machines to clean their clothes - just to give some examples. This trend, in turn, has negative impacts on their health.
To address this problem, physical exercise is a "must". To remain fit, those workers have to stop leading a sedentary lifestyle and start moving. The government can facilitate outdoor activities so that people get out and take part in those activities after office hours. Employers have to realise that healthy employees mean better productivity and they should arrange exercise facilities at the office premises. To give an example of how sports and exercise facilities can encourage employees to do some workouts, we can take offices near parks and gyms as an example. It is evident that employees in those offices are practically more inclined to do exercise than those who are located in areas where public parks and exercise facilities are rare. Finally, the workers have to follow a balanced diet to achieve better results, and the office can help them with that too.
In conclusion, exercise is essential to our health, productivity and life. In consequence, workers, authorities, employers, and individuals should collaborate to make everyone's lifestyle healthier by adding more time for exercise and helping them follow a balanced diet.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use the correct measure Original: ratio Suggested revision: number Why it matters: Ratio requires a comparison between quantities, whereas the sentence refers to a count of people.
- 2. Avoid overstatement Original: Such a cataclysm Suggested revision: This problem Why it matters: Cataclysm is excessively dramatic for the health trend being discussed.
- 3. Keep reference consistent Original: dependency on machines to do our work Suggested revision: reliance on machines to do their work Why it matters: Reliance is more idiomatic, and their maintains the essay's third-person reference to working people.
- 4. Correct the actor Original: employers have constant deadlines Suggested revision: employees face constant deadlines Why it matters: Employees, not employers, are the workers who face the deadlines described here.
- 5. Use natural phrasing Original: has deteriorated the condition Suggested revision: has worsened the problem Why it matters: Deteriorate is normally intransitive in this sense, while worsen directly takes an object.
- 6. Correct the verb pattern Original: exchanged the available time for exercise with Suggested revision: replaced time available for exercise with Why it matters: Replace something with something is the correct pattern for this substitution.
- 7. Correct prefer construction Original: prefer to drive than to walk Suggested revision: prefer driving to walking Why it matters: Prefer takes the pattern prefer one activity to another.
- 8. Use natural number Original: negative impacts on their health Suggested revision: a negative impact on their health Why it matters: Impact is more naturally singular when referring collectively to the effect of this trend.
- 9. Choose a clearer verb Original: facilitate Suggested revision: support Why it matters: Support more clearly expresses the government's role in making these activities possible.
- 10. Correct the preposition Original: at Suggested revision: on Why it matters: The fixed expression is on the premises.
- 11. Use a suitable modifier Original: practically Suggested revision: much Why it matters: Practically does not naturally express the degree of inclination in this comparison.
- 12. Use natural transition Original: In consequence Suggested revision: Consequently Why it matters: Consequently is the more natural sentence connector for presenting this concluding result.
Suggested Rewrites
- ratio number
- Such a cataclysm This problem
- dependency on machines to do our work reliance on machines to do their work
- employers have constant deadlines employees face constant deadlines
- has deteriorated the condition has worsened the problem
- exchanged the available time for exercise with replaced time available for exercise with
Why this response received Band 7.5
The essay answers both questions directly and is strongest in its clear cause-and-solution structure, supported by relevant explanations of work pressure, technology use, and workplace facilities. The main weakness is occasional imprecision: some claims are overstated or loosely connected to insufficient exercise, and several word choices and comparisons are awkward. Refine the causal logic and edit collocations and comparative structures for greater accuracy and naturalness.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
Both the causes and possible responses are addressed directly with relevant explanation and examples, although the discussion of diet is somewhat peripheral.
Keep every proposed measure tightly focused on increasing exercise and support broader claims with more specific reasoning.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas are logically sequenced in well-focused paragraphs, and cohesive devices guide the reader smoothly through causes, solutions, and the conclusion.
Trim repeated example signals and strengthen links between individual measures and the particular causes they address.
Lexical Resource
A broad range of topic-specific vocabulary is used effectively, but overstatement and awkward collocations occasionally weaken precision and naturalness.
Replace exaggerated or imprecise choices such as "cataclysm" and review collocations involving time, exercise, and workplace conditions.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The essay uses varied complex structures with generally good control, though occasional errors appear in comparisons, reference, and word forms.
Check comparative patterns such as "prefer to drive rather than walk" and ensure pronouns and subjects refer to the intended people.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do so many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.