Some organizations impose the rule of wearing a uniform in the workplace. Do you think that employees in certain organizations should wear a uniform? What is your viewpoint on this issue?
Sample Response
I strongly agree with the notion that entertainers, today, are paid an excessive amount of money. In current times, science and technology have taken major strides for the betterment of our society. Our focus should be on facilitating such endeavours rather than on entertainment. I believe all the biological scientists like pharmacists, biochemists, microbiologists etc. in our society should be paid more than the people in the entertainment business. These people or as we dub them ‘nerds’ spend valuable hours in their lives in discovering a new molecule that might be used to make our lives better. Their goal is to discover novel ideas and to create innovative techniques. Thus, rather than spending their time with their families or an evening in the theatre, they immerse themselves in their laboratories working night after night, maybe, discover a new drug. For such sacrifices, these scientists should get their due remuneration. However, a discrepancy can be seen in our society. We tend to value people in the entertainment business more than the scientists who might be working on the Ebola virus vaccine. I do not devalue the hard work by an actor or a football player. They had to reach their stardom after endless practice sessions and failures. However, if we make an objective comparison, at the end of the day, it is the work of a microbiologist or a biochemist that helps us to live a healthy and disease-free life. So, our money should be spent on those individuals who strive to bring about a healthier and comfortable society.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove unnecessary commas Original: entertainers, today, Suggested revision: entertainers today Why it matters: Today functions naturally without being set off as a parenthetical expression here.
- 2. Use natural time phrase Original: In current times Suggested revision: Nowadays Why it matters: Nowadays expresses the present-time reference more naturally and concisely.
- 3. Correct the collocation Original: taken Suggested revision: made Why it matters: English uses make major strides to describe substantial progress.
- 4. Use direct wording Original: for the betterment of our society Suggested revision: to improve our society Why it matters: The infinitive phrase states the purpose more directly.
- 5. Avoid informal abbreviation Original: microbiologists etc. Suggested revision: microbiologists, and others Why it matters: And others is more suitable than the abbreviation etc. in a formal essay.
- 6. Use correct verb Original: discover Suggested revision: develop Why it matters: Ideas are normally developed rather than discovered in this context.
- 7. Use formal collocation Original: get their due remuneration Suggested revision: receive appropriate remuneration Why it matters: Receive appropriate remuneration is more precise and natural in formal writing.
- 8. Use correct preposition Original: by Suggested revision: of Why it matters: Of identifies whose hard work is being discussed.
- 9. Keep comparison parallel Original: healthier and comfortable society Suggested revision: healthier and more comfortable society Why it matters: Both coordinated adjectives need the comparative form.
- 10. State agreement directly Original: I strongly agree with the notion that Suggested revision: I strongly agree that Why it matters: The shorter reporting structure expresses the same position more directly.
- 11. Use concise wording Original: paid an excessive amount of money Suggested revision: paid excessively Why it matters: The adverb expresses the idea of excessive payment more concisely.
- 12. Use natural support verb Original: facilitating Suggested revision: supporting Why it matters: Supporting is the more natural verb for helping scientific work progress.
Suggested Rewrites
- entertainers, today, entertainers today
- In current times Nowadays
- taken made
- for the betterment of our society to improve our society
- microbiologists etc. microbiologists, and others
- discover develop
Why this response received Band 5.5
The response is linguistically clear and develops a coherent argument about the relative value of scientists and entertainers. Its central limitation is that this argument is entirely unrelated to the question about workplace uniforms, so the task itself is not addressed; the highest-priority improvement is to analyse whether particular employees should wear uniforms and support that position with relevant reasons and examples.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response does not address workplace uniforms and instead answers an unrelated question about the pay of entertainers and scientists.
Build the entire argument around whether employees in particular organizations should wear uniforms, with reasons and relevant examples.
Coherence and Cohesion
The unrelated argument nevertheless follows a generally clear progression, although presenting it as one long paragraph weakens its organization.
Separate the introduction, main reasons, counterpoint, and conclusion into purposeful paragraphs with clear topic sentences.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied and often precise, with effective less common items, though several collocations and expressions are awkward.
Refine collocations such as those describing research, sacrifice, and social benefit so that the phrasing sounds consistently natural.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A good range of complex structures is used with generally strong control, despite occasional awkward constructions and punctuation slips.
Edit complex sentences for cleaner clause control, especially around participle structures and parenthetical expressions.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some organizations impose the rule of wearing a uniform in the workplace. Do you think that employees in certain organizations should wear a uniform? What is your viewpoint on this issue?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.