A country becomes more interesting and develops more quickly when its population includes a mixture of nationalities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
Ever since the dawn of industrialisation, the ethnic landscapes of many developed and developing nations have changed remarkably, and several western nations these days have a more heterogeneous population than ever before. It is often cited that this diversification of nationalities makes a country more appealing and leads to expeditious advancements. I completely agree with this view, and this will be shown in this essay by analysing the copiousness of the culture brought in by different nationalities and how a country can utilise the distinct strengths of people from different races and nationalities. To begin with, the more diverse the nationalities in a country are, the richer its culture becomes. For instance, people from more than a hundred nationalities reside in Dubai and this leads to the availability of hundreds of different cuisines throughout the country. As a result, Dubai is called the ‘food capital’ of the Middle East. This, in turn, attracts tourists from all over the world who come to explore this richness in culture in Dubai. Hence, the contribution of having an amalgam of diverse types of people makes the culture of a country more intriguing. Besides, many researchers agree that people from different countries have different strengths and weaknesses. For example, Singaporeans and other Asians are generally better at math, while Africans are known for their strength. Countries such as the United States and the United Kingdom have harnessed these strengths of people from different races to become global leaders. Therefore, the benefits of having a mixture of citizens in a country’s workforce are obvious. To conclude, having a mixture of nationalities leads to the enrichment of cultures and faster advancement of a country. It is expected that more countries will benefit from this phenomenon in the future.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Capitalise proper adjective Original: western Suggested revision: Western Why it matters: Western is capitalised when it refers to a recognised geographical or cultural region.
- 2. Use natural collocation Original: expeditious advancements Suggested revision: rapid development Why it matters: The revision is more natural and directly matches the idea of a country developing quickly.
- 3. Use idiomatic phrase Original: copiousness Suggested revision: richness Why it matters: Copiousness is not a natural collocation for describing cultural variety.
- 4. Avoid unnecessary overlap Original: different races and nationalities Suggested revision: different national backgrounds Why it matters: The revision conveys the intended diversity more concisely without mixing overlapping classifications.
- 5. Simplify comparison structure Original: the more diverse the nationalities in a country are Suggested revision: the more nationally diverse a country is Why it matters: The revision produces a clearer correlative comparison with the following clause.
- 6. Remove awkward repetition Original: this richness in culture in Dubai Suggested revision: Dubai's cultural richness Why it matters: This concise possessive form avoids repeating in and Dubai.
- 7. Use concise expression Original: an amalgam of diverse types of people Suggested revision: a diverse population Why it matters: The revision expresses the same idea more directly and naturally.
- 8. Use academic register Original: math Suggested revision: mathematics Why it matters: Mathematics is the more formal term for an academic essay.
- 9. Maintain key terminology Original: a mixture of citizens in a country’s workforce Suggested revision: a mixture of nationalities in a country's workforce Why it matters: Nationalities maintains the essay's central concept more accurately than citizens.
- 10. Avoid wordy opening Original: Ever since the dawn of industrialisation Suggested revision: Since industrialisation began Why it matters: The revision states the time reference more directly in an academic register.
- 11. Use precise adverb Original: remarkably Suggested revision: considerably Why it matters: Considerably more naturally describes the degree of a demographic change.
- 12. Use accurate reporting verb Original: cited Suggested revision: argued Why it matters: Argued is appropriate when introducing a commonly expressed opinion rather than a specific citation.
Suggested Rewrites
- western Western
- expeditious advancements rapid development
- copiousness richness
- different races and nationalities different national backgrounds
- the more diverse the nationalities in a country are the more nationally diverse a country is
- this richness in culture in Dubai Dubai's cultural richness
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response maintains a clear position and progresses coherently from cultural enrichment to economic development, using a wide grammatical range with strong control. Its main weakness is that the second argument relies on sweeping claims about national or racial abilities and does not convincingly explain how diversity accelerates development; the lack of paragraph breaks also obscures the structure. Replace those generalisations with specific, credible mechanisms and separate each stage into paragraphs.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The position is clear and both aspects of the claim are addressed, though the development argument rests on unsupported generalisations.
Explain a credible mechanism, such as complementary expertise increasing innovation, and support it with a specific example.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument has clear internal progression and effective linking, but presenting the entire response as one paragraph weakens its organisation.
Use separate introduction, body, and conclusion paragraphs so each main idea has an immediately visible function.
Lexical Resource
A broad academic vocabulary conveys the argument effectively, although several choices are inflated or imprecise.
Replace awkward phrases such as 'expeditious advancements' and 'copiousness of the culture' with more natural, exact wording.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide variety of complex structures is used accurately, and most sentences are controlled and error-free.
Preserve this accuracy while making a few long sentences more concise and direct.
Write this task while it is fresh
Try the same task now. It helps you remember the feedback and write better next time.
IELTS Writing Task 2
A country becomes more interesting and develops more quickly when its population includes a mixture of nationalities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.