Recent figures show an increase in violent crime among youngsters under the age of 18. Some psychologists claim that the basic reason for this is that children these days are not getting the social and emotional learning they need from parents and teachers. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this option?
Sample Response
In recent years, great attention has been paid to the topic of who should be the most responsible for the child’s behavior. Therefore, there is numerous discussions on this issue. Some people state that parents and teachers ought to be blamed for crimes committed by young children. However, some opponents disagree with the above perspective. In this essay, the argument will be carefully examined to support my opinion.
The first thing to consider is the fact that children’s surroundings drastically affect their growths. According to the recent report in Japan, about 80 percent of young children responded TV games or computer games were the most inspiring for them to make crimes. Thanks to advanced technology, young children can play violent games with extremely clear screens. This has drastically encouraged for children’s violent behaviors in real world. In addition, advanced technology didn’t give us only these harmful game, but also social network service so that people can be connected easily with even strangers. If young children meet bad people on website and are unfortunately related with them, young children might be involved in violent crimes. Therefore, I would like to argue that it is insufficient to conclude that teachers and parents should be responsible for children’s behaviors.
On the other hand, it is also true that teachers and parents are close to their children. Children have many things which they don’t know what they must not do and what they may do. Teachers and parents usually have many chances to meet their children and teach these things. However, the time children’s teachers and parents is limited. It is impossible to accompany with their children. Besides of this, children can have their own computers or games and it is difficult for their teachers and parents to intervene all the time. Therefore, as I mentioned in the second paragraph, what teachers and parents can do for their children is limited and children can make criminal even if parents or teachers educate them due to other surroundings.
In the final analysis, I would like to emphasize that this problem should be discussed by more various perspectives. It is too overlooked to conclude teachers and parents should be responsible for their children’s behaviors. In my opinion, other surroundings such as games play more important roles than teachers and parents when children commit crime.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural phrasing Original: the most responsible Suggested revision: primarily responsible Why it matters: Primarily responsible is the natural way to express main responsibility.
- 2. Fix agreement Original: is Suggested revision: are Why it matters: The plural noun discussions requires the plural verb are.
- 3. Use direct reference Original: the above perspective Suggested revision: this perspective Why it matters: This perspective provides a more direct and natural reference to the preceding view.
- 4. Streamline transition Original: The first thing to consider is the fact that Suggested revision: First, it is important to consider that Why it matters: The revision introduces the first point without an unnecessarily long framing phrase.
- 5. Use correct noun Original: growths Suggested revision: development Why it matters: Development is the appropriate uncountable noun for children's growth in this context.
- 6. Improve collocation Original: extremely clear screens Suggested revision: high-resolution displays Why it matters: High-resolution displays is the natural expression for screens with very clear images.
- 7. Fix verb pattern Original: encouraged for children’s violent behaviors Suggested revision: encouraged violent behavior among children Why it matters: Encourage takes a direct object here and does not require for.
- 8. Add article Original: in real world Suggested revision: in the real world Why it matters: The fixed expression requires the definite article the.
- 9. Add article Original: on website Suggested revision: on a website Why it matters: The singular countable noun website needs an article.
- 10. Correct relationship phrase Original: are unfortunately related with them Suggested revision: unfortunately become involved with them Why it matters: Become involved with accurately expresses forming a potentially harmful association.
- 11. Repair clause structure Original: the time children’s teachers and parents is limited Suggested revision: the time children spend with teachers and parents is limited Why it matters: The revision supplies the missing verb and makes the intended relationship clear.
- 12. Remove wrong preposition Original: accompany with their children Suggested revision: accompany their children Why it matters: Accompany is transitive and takes its object without with.
Suggested Rewrites
- the most responsible primarily responsible
- is are
- the above perspective this perspective
- The first thing to consider is the fact that First, it is important to consider that
- growths development
- extremely clear screens high-resolution displays
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response maintains a clear disagreement and organizes its discussion around alternative influences and the limited reach of adults. Its main weakness is that it often reframes the claim about missing social and emotional learning as a simpler question of who is to blame, so the central proposition is only partly examined. The priority is to address that proposition directly and support each causal claim more convincingly.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A relevant position is maintained, but the specific claim about deficient social and emotional learning is only partially evaluated.
Explain directly whether parents and teachers fail to provide this learning and how that failure relates to violent crime.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response has a recognizable progression and clear paragraph roles, though linking is sometimes mechanical or imprecise.
Use fewer formulaic transitions and make each sentence build more explicitly on the preceding causal point.
Lexical Resource
There is enough vocabulary to discuss the issue, but frequent word-choice and collocation errors reduce precision.
Replace inaccurate combinations such as making crimes and making criminal with natural crime-related expressions.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of sentence forms conveys the main meaning, but errors in agreement, articles, plurals, and clause construction recur.
Prioritize accurate noun phrases and verb patterns before attempting longer multi-clause sentences.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Recent figures show an increase in violent crime among youngsters under the age of 18. Some psychologists claim that the basic reason for this is that children these days are not getting the social and emotional learning they need from parents and teachers. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this option?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.