Recent figures show an increase in violent crime among youngsters under the age of 18. Some psychologists claim that the basic reason for this is that children these days are not getting the social and emotional learning they need from parents and teachers. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this option?
Sample Response
It has been indicated by the latest researches that there are an increase number of violence crimes throughout the young individuals under 18 years old. The reason for this phenomenon as the psychologists believe is lack of emotional and social learning by the parents and teachers. Psychologically, there are two crucial factors that making teachers and parents careless about their young children and students ate the age of 18 in learning.
Parents and teachers treat adults in serious ways during the learning process for two points. First of all, they observe that these group of children do not need emotion and softness as younger children, and they really pay attention just on their academic studies and how to pass successfully from the school. Eventually, the relationships between parents, teachers and students become extremely hard without any love. Secondly, once the circumstance at the school or home is getting worse and under pressure for students, they start to hate every body around them and act negatively and violently against innocent. Consequently, teachers and parents cause people at age of 18 to be dangerous criminals in the society.
The other significant point is parents and teachers are less informative of excellent method of learning and teaching 18 years old students. Although there are several of resources that could teach people the intelligent approach of emotional and social learning for adult, these teachers are still not professional at it. In Canada for instance, Chapter, who is the famous library, sells the newest and easiest books of dealing with secondary schools students, yet criminal behaviors have reached the peak at schools, streets and public places. Lastly, this problem is difficult to be solved without increasing the awareness among teachers and parents of the importance of reading about emotional social learning.
In Conclusion, to decrease the number of crime violence among 18 years old individuals, parents and teachers should teach them in inspirational and friendly methods. I realize that strict communication and narrow education are the influential factors for making these youth criminals.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Uncountable noun Original: researches Suggested revision: research Why it matters: Research is uncountable when referring generally to recent findings.
- 2. Agreement and form Original: there are an increase number Suggested revision: there is an increasing number Why it matters: The singular noun phrase requires 'is', and 'increasing' correctly modifies 'number'.
- 3. Correct word form Original: violence Suggested revision: violent Why it matters: The adjective 'violent' is needed to modify 'crimes'.
- 4. Natural population phrase Original: throughout the young individuals Suggested revision: among young people Why it matters: 'Among' correctly expresses occurrence within this group.
- 5. Remove unnecessary article Original: as the psychologists believe Suggested revision: as psychologists believe Why it matters: The plural noun refers to psychologists generally, so no article is needed.
- 6. Add article Original: is lack of emotional Suggested revision: is a lack of emotional Why it matters: The countable expression 'a lack of' requires an indefinite article.
- 7. Correct source preposition Original: learning by the parents Suggested revision: learning from parents Why it matters: Children receive learning or guidance 'from' people rather than 'by' them here.
- 8. Finite verb needed Original: making Suggested revision: make Why it matters: The relative clause requires the finite verb 'make'.
- 9. Clarify intended meaning Original: careless about their young children Suggested revision: neglectful of their young children Why it matters: 'Neglectful of' accurately describes failing to provide needed care or guidance.
- 10. Correct spelling Original: ate Suggested revision: at Why it matters: 'Ate' is a spelling error for the preposition 'at'.
- 11. Natural phrasing Original: treat adults in serious ways Suggested revision: treat adolescents too seriously Why it matters: 'Adolescents' fits the under-18 group, and the adverbial phrase is more natural.
- 12. Use reasons Original: points Suggested revision: reasons Why it matters: 'Reasons' is the appropriate noun for causes that support an explanation.
Suggested Rewrites
- researches research
- there are an increase number there is an increasing number
- violence violent
- throughout the young individuals among young people
- as the psychologists believe as psychologists believe
- is lack of emotional is a lack of emotional
Why this response received Band 5.5
The response maintains a generally consistent view and uses a clear four-paragraph structure to explain how limited emotional support may contribute to youth violence. However, several ideas are only loosely reasoned, and frequent grammar and word-choice problems make parts of the argument awkward or unclear. The highest priority is to develop two directly relevant reasons with precise explanations while checking sentence structure and collocations throughout.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A relevant position is maintained, but the reasons are unevenly developed and sometimes rely on unsupported or unclear claims.
Explain how each parental or educational shortcoming leads to violent behaviour and support it with a credible, specific example.
Coherence and Cohesion
Paragraphing and basic progression are clear, although linking is mechanical and several references between ideas are imprecise.
Use fewer formulaic linkers and make the logical relationship between each cause, effect, and example explicit.
Lexical Resource
The response attempts some less common vocabulary, but frequent inaccurate word forms and collocations reduce precision and sometimes clarity.
Prioritise accurate combinations such as violent crime, an increasing number, and teaching methods before attempting more elaborate wording.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of sentence forms is attempted, but frequent errors in agreement, articles, plurals, prepositions, and clause construction remain noticeable.
Edit each sentence for a clear subject-verb structure, then check agreement and article use systematically.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Recent figures show an increase in violent crime among youngsters under the age of 18. Some psychologists claim that the basic reason for this is that children these days are not getting the social and emotional learning they need from parents and teachers. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this option?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.