Societies benefit from the closer relationship we have with foreigners through international tourism and business. To what extent do your agree or disagree?
Sample Response
Since the dawn of time people around the world develop a closer relationship not only to their own country but also internationally. This is because of the growing tourism industry internationally and the business dealings each country has. It is agreed that societies greatly benefited from the closer relationships they have with the foreigners. This argument will be proven by looking at how international tourism brings diverse people together and business growth results in a convenient life for the locals. For one, International tourism brings diverse people close to one another. For example, in Boracay situated in Kalibu, Aklan, the beach capital of the Philippines, many tourists from France, Germany and America consistently come and visit the white sand beach and they constantly develop friendships with the local people of Aklan. With the comradeship that they have, the locales learn their cultures and different languages such as French, German and American English. As this shows that the closer relationships Aklan people have with the foreigners really has many advantages for them. In addition to this, with tourism industry comes more business resulting to a convenient life. For instance, in Boracay, business growth increases rapidly from international fast-foods to native foods, souvenirs to disco clubs that give more jobs for the local folks. Thus, they can surely afford basic needs for themselves and their families which make their lives more comfortable. It is obvious from this that the Kalibos have a benefited a lot from their closer relationships with the people from other nations. In conclusion, the relationship between the people of Aklan and the foreigners developed closely through international tourism that bringing them together and the business associated with it that makes local people's lives more convenient. It has been proven that closer relationship with the foreigners benefited enormously the societies. Thus, it is recommended for us to socialise with different nationalities.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove repeated international Original: the growing tourism industry internationally Suggested revision: the growth of international tourism Why it matters: The revision expresses the trend naturally and avoids repeating the same idea.
- 2. Clarify international dealings Original: the business dealings each country has Suggested revision: each country's international business dealings Why it matters: The possessive phrase clearly identifies whose business dealings are meant.
- 3. Use present perfect Original: societies greatly benefited Suggested revision: societies have greatly benefited Why it matters: The benefits extend to the present, so the present perfect is required.
- 4. Remove generic article Original: relationships they have with the foreigners Suggested revision: relationships they have with foreigners Why it matters: The general plural noun foreigners does not take the definite article.
- 5. Use natural outcome phrase Original: business growth results in a convenient life Suggested revision: business growth makes life more convenient Why it matters: The revision states the effect through a natural verb and comparative adjective.
- 6. Use lowercase adjective Original: International Suggested revision: international Why it matters: International is not capitalized in the middle of this sentence.
- 7. Use concise visit phrase Original: consistently come and visit Suggested revision: regularly visit Why it matters: The direct verb removes redundant motion and uses a natural frequency adverb.
- 8. Remove excessive frequency Original: they constantly develop friendships Suggested revision: they develop friendships Why it matters: Develop friendships already describes an ongoing outcome, so constantly is unnecessary.
- 9. Use friendship term Original: the comradeship that they have Suggested revision: the friendships they form Why it matters: Friendships is the natural term for the personal relationships described.
- 10. Use people noun Original: locales Suggested revision: locals Why it matters: Locales are places, whereas locals are the people who live there.
- 11. Add learn-about preposition Original: learn their cultures Suggested revision: learn about their cultures Why it matters: Learn requires about when the object is a topic being studied.
- 12. Remove fragment connector Original: As this shows Suggested revision: This shows Why it matters: As makes the clause subordinate and leaves it without a main clause.
Suggested Rewrites
- the growing tourism industry internationally the growth of international tourism
- the business dealings each country has each country's international business dealings
- societies greatly benefited societies have greatly benefited
- relationships they have with the foreigners relationships they have with foreigners
- business growth results in a convenient life business growth makes life more convenient
- International international
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response maintains a clear agreement and supports it with relevant examples of cultural exchange and employment growth in Boracay. Its central argument is understandable and reasonably developed, but the lack of paragraphing, repetitive progression, and frequent awkward or inaccurate language reduce clarity and polish. The priority is to separate the two benefits into focused paragraphs and explain each causal link with more precise grammar and vocabulary.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A clear position is supported by two relevant benefits and a specific local example, although some claims are broad and the business point depends heavily on tourism.
Explain separately how international tourism and wider international business create lasting social benefits, using one precise example for each.
Coherence and Cohesion
The ideas follow a recognisable introduction, cultural benefit, economic benefit, and conclusion sequence, but the entire essay is presented as one paragraph and linking is mechanical.
Divide the response into four paragraphs and replace repetitive announcing phrases with direct topic sentences and clear referencing.
Lexical Resource
There is enough vocabulary to discuss tourism, cultural contact, and employment, but several word choices and collocations are inaccurate or unnatural.
Use precise expressions such as 'local residents', 'cultural exchange', 'create employment', and 'improve living standards' instead of awkward alternatives.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response attempts varied sentence forms, but frequent errors in tense, agreement, articles, prepositions, and clause construction weaken accuracy and sometimes disrupt flow.
Edit each sentence for one complete main clause, then check subject-verb agreement and verb-preposition combinations before adding dependent clauses.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Societies benefit from the closer relationship we have with foreigners through international tourism and business. To what extent do your agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.