In recent times, many suggest dropping subjects such as Art, Sport and Music from the school curriculum for subjects such as Information Technology. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this suggestion?
Sample Response
These days, many opine that subjects like art, sports, and music should be replaced with more technology-related subjects. I disagree with this opinion as I believe that while it is important for students to be proficient in technology, it should not come at the expense of the arts and sports.
To begin with, arts and sports are important for a well-rounded education. These subjects promote creativity, self-expression, and teamwork, all of which are essential for personal growth and development. Additionally, students who participate in these subjects often have better mental health and academic performance. For example, studies have shown that students who participate in music programs have higher math and reading scores and are more likely to graduate from high school.
Moreover, arts and sports are not only forms of entertainment but are also crucial for preserving cultural heritage and promoting social cohesion. Art and music, in particular, are integral components of many cultures, serving as conduits for expressing unique identities and traditions. For example, the vibrant and rhythmic beats of traditional African drumming have been passed down through generations, carrying the stories and history of communities. These art forms play an important role in preserving traditions and promoting diversity, fostering a sense of belonging and shared identity among community members. Similarly, sports events, whether traditional games or modern competitions, bring people together, transcending societal divides.
In conclusion, while technology-related subjects are important in the modern world, they should not come at the expense of the arts and sports. All of these subjects are important for a well-rounded education, personal growth and development, preserving cultural heritage and promoting social cohesion. Therefore, schools should strive to maintain a balanced curriculum that includes all of these subjects.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural phrasing Original: many opine Suggested revision: many people argue Why it matters: This wording is more natural while retaining the formal argumentative tone.
- 2. Use formal exemplification Original: subjects like art, sports, and music Suggested revision: subjects such as art, sports, and music Why it matters: Such as is a slightly more precise way to introduce examples in formal writing.
- 3. Refine the passive phrase Original: with Suggested revision: by Why it matters: Replaced by clearly identifies what would take the place of the original subjects.
- 4. Strengthen the link Original: this opinion as I believe Suggested revision: this view because I believe Why it matters: Because states the reason directly, and view avoids repeating opinion language.
- 5. Choose precise wording Original: better mental health Suggested revision: stronger mental well-being Why it matters: Mental well-being is a more precise expression for the broad benefit described.
- 6. Simplify the metaphor Original: conduits for expressing Suggested revision: means of expressing Why it matters: Means conveys the same relationship more directly and naturally.
- 7. Avoid redundancy Original: vibrant and rhythmic beats Suggested revision: vibrant rhythms Why it matters: Beats are inherently rhythmic, so the revision is more economical.
- 8. Use a precise verb Original: carrying Suggested revision: preserving Why it matters: Preserving describes the cultural continuity claimed in the paragraph more precisely.
- 9. Sentence rewrite Original: For example, studies have shown that students who participate in music programs have higher math and reading scores and are more likely to graduate from high school. Suggested revision: For example, studies have shown that students who participate in music programs achieve higher mathematics and reading scores and are more likely to graduate from high school. Why it matters: Achieve collocates more naturally with scores, and mathematics is more formal than math.
- 10. Sentence rewrite Original: All of these subjects are important for a well-rounded education, personal growth and development, preserving cultural heritage and promoting social cohesion. Suggested revision: All of these subjects contribute to a well-rounded education and personal development, as well as to the preservation of cultural heritage and social cohesion. Why it matters: The rewrite gives the list a clear parallel grammatical structure.
Suggested Rewrites
- many opine many people argue
- subjects like art, sports, and music subjects such as art, sports, and music
- with by
- this opinion as I believe this view because I believe
- better mental health stronger mental well-being
- conduits for expressing means of expressing
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response presents a clear, consistent position and develops two persuasive reasons with relevant examples, supported by strong organization and controlled language. The main limitation is some repetition of broad terms such as ‘important’ and a slight imbalance toward defending arts and sports rather than directly examining the proposed curricular trade-off. Refining lexical variety and making that comparison more explicit would produce an even sharper argument.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response fully addresses the proposal with a clear position, well-developed reasons, and relevant supporting examples.
Make the comparison with technology subjects slightly more explicit within each main argument to sharpen the evaluation.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through well-focused paragraphs, and cohesive devices are used naturally and unobtrusively.
Strengthen the link between the cultural example and the curriculum decision with one concise interpretive sentence.
Lexical Resource
A wide and precise vocabulary supports nuanced discussion, with only minor repetition of general evaluative words.
Vary repeated terms such as ‘important’ with more specific language that states each subject’s distinct educational value.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex structures is used accurately, with consistently clear and controlled sentences.
Continue refining sentence economy so that densely modified examples remain as direct as the central argument.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
In recent times, many suggest dropping subjects such as Art, Sport and Music from the school curriculum for subjects such as Information Technology. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this suggestion?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.