Societies benefit from the closer relationship we have with foreigners through international tourism and business. To what extent do your agree or disagree?
Sample Response
It is believed that communities get a lot of benefits from the international tourism industry and foreign investments. Although these industries sometimes bring negative effects to the local communities, I personally believe that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks.
On the one hand, foreign tourism and international business activities have some negative effects on societies. Many international travellers are bringing habits and cultural activities which are inappropriate for local communities. For example, many western people wear casual clothing such as short pants or bikini, when they visit the sacred temple Tanah Lot in Bali. The local people feel distracted with these kinds of attitude and behaviour since tourists have been warned about the clothing standard but they have abandoned it. Besides that, with the invasion of foreign investments, they have given negative effect for local businesses. One of the examples is that with the growing number of Seven eleven stores in Jakarta, it has given negative effect to the local traditional market.
On the other hand, many societies have taken the advantage of foreign investment and international tourism. Firstly, tourism industries have created a lot of job opportunities for local people. As the tourism businesses grow, there are many new hotels and restaurants that are built and automatically absorb local employments. Secondly, international tourism and business make a significant contribution to a country's GDP. Taxes on hotels and restaurants and income taxes of expatriates contribute a significant amount of money for the country's income. Thirdly, with the high number of tourists that visit tourist attraction places, they have generated revenues for these places. As a result, these tourist attraction places could independently manage their own operational costs, without relying on government subsidies.
In conclusion, international tourism and foreign investment have their own positive and negative sides. Despite the drawbacks, I do believe that international tourism and business have more benefit for local people and governments as well.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Academic collocation Original: get a lot of benefits Suggested revision: derive substantial benefits Why it matters: This is more precise and formal.
- 2. Natural collocation Original: bring negative effects Suggested revision: have negative effects Why it matters: Effects are normally had, caused or produced.
- 3. General tense Original: travellers are bringing Suggested revision: travellers may bring Why it matters: A modal or simple present suits a general possibility.
- 4. Natural nouns Original: short pants or bikini Suggested revision: shorts or bikinis Why it matters: Use the conventional clothing terms and plural form.
- 5. Unneeded comma Original: when they visit Suggested revision: when they visit Why it matters: No comma is needed before this essential time clause.
- 6. Wrong collocation Original: feel distracted with Suggested revision: feel offended by Why it matters: Offended by better expresses the cultural reaction.
- 7. Number agreement Original: these kinds of attitude and behaviour Suggested revision: this kind of attitude and behaviour Why it matters: Kind and its determiner must agree.
- 8. Precise term Original: clothing standard Suggested revision: dress code Why it matters: Dress code is the established expression.
- 9. Formal linker Original: Besides that Suggested revision: In addition Why it matters: This better suits an academic essay.
- 10. Loaded phrase Original: invasion of foreign investments Suggested revision: expansion of foreign investment Why it matters: Invasion is emotive and investment is uncountable here.
- 11. Unclear reference Original: they have given negative effect Suggested revision: it can have a negative effect Why it matters: The singular investment needs a clear singular reference.
- 12. Fixed phrase Original: taken the advantage Suggested revision: benefited from Why it matters: Take advantage does not use the here.
Suggested Rewrites
- get a lot of benefits derive substantial benefits
- bring negative effects have negative effects
- travellers are bringing travellers may bring
- short pants or bikini shorts or bikinis
- when they visit when they visit
- feel distracted with feel offended by
Why this response received Band 7.0
The essay presents a clear position, considers both drawbacks and benefits, and develops the positive case through employment, tax revenue and self-funding attractions. The main weakness is language precision: repeated collocation, agreement and reference errors occasionally make examples awkward, and the benefits could be weighed more explicitly against the drawbacks. Refine the grammar and make the final comparison more analytical.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The position is clear and well supported with relevant discussion of cultural friction, local competition, jobs and public revenue.
Explicitly explain why the scale or durability of the economic benefits outweighs the identified social and business costs.
Coherence and Cohesion
The four-paragraph structure and signposting are clear, though some referencing is repetitive or ambiguous.
Replace vague they references with exact nouns and use more varied internal linking.
Lexical Resource
There is a good topic range, but frequent inaccurate collocations and count-noun choices reduce precision.
Use phrases such as bring benefits, cultural practices, dress code, harm local businesses, jobs and tax revenue.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex ideas are generally understandable, but agreement, articles, plurals and pronoun reference errors recur.
Check every noun for countability and ensure pronouns have a clear singular or plural antecedent.