In some countries, using the internet in school is getting popular. Is it positive or negative development?
Sample Response
The internet has revolutionised the manner in which information is retrieved. I strongly believe that excessive dependency on the internet can have negative implications on the pupils. This will be shown by looking at how immense exposure to the web can affect the social development and the concentration level of the students.
For one, it is true that the content available on the website is difficult to monitor. This is due to the fact that it is impossible to filter out the matter based on the age of the person accessing it. For instance, there are some videos on the YouTube which are inappropriate for the people under 18 yet can be easily viewed by them just by declaring wrong age on the warning messages displayed. Such videos can have a negative impact on the young mind and thereby can afflict their social behaviour.
In addition, data is easily available on the net with a single search of the keyword. This benefit lures most of the students to prefer studying on the internet instead of the conventional books. A good illustration for this is the google search engine which is the most used tool for obtaining the data. Utilisation of such tools on the daily basis motivates young people to minimise the usage of books and hence, they become used to getting information quickly. However, this hampers the searchability of the young people as well as lowers their attention level.
As seen from above, inordinate usage of the internet can have negative ramifications on the child's development. Thus, it is expected that the educational institutions will put efforts to minimise the internet use.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Natural collocation Original: negative implications on the pupils Suggested revision: negative effects on pupils Why it matters: "Effects on pupils" is more natural than "implications on the pupils."
- 2. Make phrasing concise Original: affect the social development and the concentration level Suggested revision: affect students' social development and concentration Why it matters: This removes unnecessary articles and makes the phrase more natural.
- 3. Broaden the noun Original: content available on the website Suggested revision: content available online Why it matters: The essay is about the internet generally, not one website.
- 4. Unnatural wording Original: filter out the matter Suggested revision: filter content Why it matters: "Matter" is not the right word for online material here.
- 5. Remove article Original: the YouTube Suggested revision: YouTube Why it matters: Platform names normally do not take "the."
- 6. General plural noun Original: the people under 18 Suggested revision: people under 18 Why it matters: The article is unnecessary when speaking generally.
- 7. Add article Original: declaring wrong age Suggested revision: declaring the wrong age Why it matters: A singular countable noun needs an article here.
- 8. Use plural reference Original: the young mind Suggested revision: young minds Why it matters: The sentence refers to children in general, so the plural is clearer.
- 9. Natural search phrase Original: single search of the keyword Suggested revision: single keyword search Why it matters: This is the standard collocation.
- 10. Article error Original: on the daily basis Suggested revision: on a daily basis Why it matters: The fixed phrase is "on a daily basis."
- 11. Sentence rewrite Original: This will be shown by looking at how immense exposure to the web can affect the social development and the concentration level of the students. Suggested revision: This essay will show how excessive exposure to the internet can harm students' social development and concentration. Why it matters: The rewritten sentence states the plan more directly and uses more natural wording.
- 12. Sentence rewrite Original: For instance, there are some videos on the YouTube which are inappropriate for the people under 18 yet can be easily viewed by them just by declaring wrong age on the warning messages displayed. Suggested revision: For instance, some YouTube videos are inappropriate for people under 18, yet children can easily view them by entering the wrong age on warning screens. Why it matters: This version corrects articles, tightens the sentence, and makes the actor clearer.
Suggested Rewrites
- negative implications on the pupils negative effects on pupils
- affect the social development and the concentration level affect students' social development and concentration
- content available on the website content available online
- filter out the matter filter content
- the YouTube YouTube
- the people under 18 people under 18
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response gives a clear negative position and develops two relevant reasons: unsuitable content and reduced concentration. Support is generally relevant, though the discussion is somewhat narrow and could consider school controls or educational benefits before rejecting them.
Add one sentence acknowledging possible educational benefits, then explain why the risks still outweigh them in schools.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Progression is easy to follow, but several linking phrases are mechanical and some referents are vague.
Use more precise topic sentences and make each paragraph close by linking the example directly back to the question.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is adequate and sometimes strong, but there are awkward collocations and over-formal choices that reduce naturalness.
Replace broad or unnatural phrases with precise academic wording, especially for children, online content, and attention span.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Grammar is generally controlled, with a mix of complex sentences, but article use, prepositions, and agreement errors appear regularly.
Review article use with plural/general nouns and avoid stacking long noun phrases without clear grammar.