Working hours are too long and people are not spending as much time as they should with their families or on leisure activities. What is your opinion on this issue?
Sample Response
People have begun facing more challenges in their life as the world is always transforming into a more modern one where human beings have to deal with an increasing number of competitions to survive. Consequently, longer time must be spent for working. I do agree that this will lead to declines in the number of hours spent for families or even leisure activities. For some people, this can really be frustrating, while others can still enjoy this condition.
There are three reasons why some people experience more working time today. Firstly, the economic or financial condition will force those whose income is still low and need supports from other livelihood or longer time in the same job. Secondly, some people also perform a great number of activities every day as a lifestyle because they really love their jobs. Thirdly, as responsibilities they bear, people in some areas such as arms have to deal with every consequence even if they are needed to take part in a war raging for a certain or uncertain period of time.
However, the effects of this situation where working hours are more are not always worse. For those who do this because of a low financial condition when they must work under a stressful condition even when their employers are very strict and unfriendly, this is truly desperate for both themselves and their families. In contrast, for those with the remaining two reasons, it is apparently to be fascinating because they work as they love their jobs or as their responsibilities for other people such as their countries, which in turn can bring them and their families some tremendous satisfaction or pride even though they should inescapably feel or enjoy less time together. Regarding this, in my perspective, considering what kinds of jobs we like to do and being prepared for that can help us to be more independent while choosing any livelihoods. By doing this, everyone can find them always fun as his or her lifestyle.
All in all, despite the increasing working hours experienced by many people nowadays which will cause less togetherness with families as well as the lack of leisure activities, we can deal with this by preparing a better future since the very beginning so that more opportunities and choices will open.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use plural noun Original: their life Suggested revision: their lives Why it matters: The plural subject people requires the plural noun lives in this general statement.
- 2. Replace awkward wording Original: the world is always transforming into a more modern one Suggested revision: the world is becoming increasingly modern Why it matters: The revision expresses continuing modernisation in natural English.
- 3. Use uncountable form Original: an increasing number of competitions Suggested revision: increasing competition Why it matters: Competition is uncountable when it refers generally to competitive pressure.
- 4. Fix time construction Original: longer time must be spent for working Suggested revision: more time must be spent working Why it matters: More time and the gerund after spent form the correct construction.
- 5. Use natural measure Original: declines in the number of hours Suggested revision: a reduction in the time Why it matters: A reduction in time is the natural expression for having fewer available hours.
- 6. Fix preposition Original: spent for families Suggested revision: spent with their families Why it matters: Time is spent with people rather than for them in this context.
- 7. Use natural collocation Original: enjoy this condition Suggested revision: be comfortable with this situation Why it matters: A working-hours situation is not naturally described as a condition that someone enjoys.
- 8. Use precise phrase Original: experience more working time Suggested revision: work longer hours Why it matters: Work longer hours states the idea directly and idiomatically.
- 9. Use uncountable noun Original: need supports Suggested revision: need support Why it matters: Support is uncountable when it refers generally to financial assistance.
- 10. Fix determiner Original: other livelihood Suggested revision: another livelihood Why it matters: Another is required before a singular count noun meaning one additional livelihood.
- 11. State working hours clearly Original: perform a great number of activities Suggested revision: work long hours Why it matters: The original phrase does not clearly express the claimed reason for extended working time.
- 12. Fix clause structure Original: as responsibilities they bear Suggested revision: because of the responsibilities they bear Why it matters: Because of correctly introduces responsibilities as the reason for longer work.
Suggested Rewrites
- their life their lives
- the world is always transforming into a more modern one the world is becoming increasingly modern
- an increasing number of competitions increasing competition
- longer time must be spent for working more time must be spent working
- declines in the number of hours a reduction in the time
- spent for families spent with their families
Why this response received Band 6.0
The essay’s strongest feature is its nuanced recognition that long hours may feel burdensome for financially pressured workers but meaningful for people who love their work or serve others. However, the opinion is diluted by lengthy discussion of causes, an unclear military example, and a vague solution about preparing for the future; prioritise stating a precise judgement on acceptable working hours and developing its family and leisure consequences with concrete, directly relevant support.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response offers a qualified view and relevant contrasts, but it devotes substantial space to causes of long hours while its judgement and proposed solution remain vague.
State whether long hours are generally harmful or acceptable under specific conditions, then develop their effects on relationships, health and leisure rather than listing loosely related causes.
Coherence and Cohesion
Four purposeful paragraphs create broad progression from position to causes, evaluation and conclusion, though long sentences and unclear references disrupt the internal flow.
Give each paragraph one controlling idea and split the extended contrast about the three worker groups into shorter, explicitly linked sentences.
Lexical Resource
The response attempts a broad range of work-related vocabulary, but frequent inaccurate collocations make several ideas difficult to express naturally.
Use natural phrases such as competitive pressures, spend more time working, financial hardship, additional income, longer working hours and career choices.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Simple ideas are usually understandable and complex structures are attempted, but errors in agreement, clause construction, word forms and reference occur very frequently.
Prioritise clear subject-verb patterns and shorter clauses, correcting forms such as people with low incomes need, military personnel may be required, and everyone can enjoy their work.
Use this task for your next draft
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