We cannot help everyone in the world that needs help, so we should only be concerned with our own communities and countries. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Sample Response
It is true that we are living in a global village. Every country of the world is connected to each other and every individual has a role to play in the society. Some people think that one cannot help everyone in the society who is in need. Therefore, people should only show the concern to the inhabitants of his own country and community. I completely disagree with the statement for the following reason. Firstly, every nation today is interdependent on each other. Though, some nations are wealthier than others or require their basic needs for food, clothing and shelter to be fulfilled. According to me, countries that are well to do can help poorer countries to overcome their poverty. For example, some developing nations that had faced natural calamity require financial help to raise their economy. This is possible when another country is willing to do so. This not only provides support to affected country but also helps to develop international relationships and thus can enhance international trade. Furthermore, many countries like India face problems of unemployment. Other developed nations can resolve this problem by providing job opportunity to the immigrants. These can be achieved in their country to be served by some skilful individuals which, thereby, affects the economic development of the country. Above all, we all are human beings and inhabitants of this wonderful planet, Earth. We all share the same biology. Therefore, it is needless to say that all should be helpful to each other. Humans make the world and humanity should make a better society. Today many worldwide organisations have been formed to sponsor people of different countries or in need. For instance, World Vision, an Australian organisation that sponsors children in different countries so that they can receive a better education and lead a healthy and prosperous life. To conclude, I believe that everyone in the world is capable of helping others by some way or the other. Therefore, the statement about concerning with only own community and country is questionable.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Preposition choice Original: connected to each other Suggested revision: connected with each other Why it matters: This is a more natural collocation in this context.
- 2. Article use Original: in the society Suggested revision: in society Why it matters: Use society without an article when speaking generally.
- 3. Natural collocation Original: show the concern to Suggested revision: show concern for Why it matters: This is the standard phrase.
- 4. Pronoun agreement Original: his own country and community Suggested revision: their own country and community Why it matters: People is plural or gender-neutral, so their is more appropriate.
- 5. Plural noun Original: for the following reason Suggested revision: for the following reasons Why it matters: The essay gives more than one reason.
- 6. Preposition error Original: interdependent on each other Suggested revision: interdependent Why it matters: Interdependent already includes the idea of mutual dependence.
- 7. Connector error Original: Though, some nations Suggested revision: However, some nations Why it matters: Though with a comma creates an awkward fragment-like transition.
- 8. Hyphenated adjective Original: well to do Suggested revision: wealthy Why it matters: Wealthy is simpler and more academic here.
- 9. Tense and article Original: had faced natural calamity Suggested revision: have faced a natural calamity Why it matters: The present perfect and article fit the general example.
- 10. Missing article Original: support to affected country Suggested revision: support to the affected country Why it matters: A singular countable noun needs an article.
- 11. Natural phrase Original: job opportunity to the immigrants Suggested revision: job opportunities for immigrants Why it matters: Use the plural noun and the preposition for.
- 12. Pronoun error Original: These can be achieved Suggested revision: This can be achieved Why it matters: The sentence refers to the previous idea as a whole.
Suggested Rewrites
- connected to each other connected with each other
- in the society in society
- show the concern to show concern for
- his own country and community their own country and community
- for the following reason for the following reasons
- interdependent on each other interdependent
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay clearly disagrees and gives relevant reasons about interdependence, migration, and humanitarian responsibility. Some support is broad and occasionally unclear, but the position is maintained.
Develop each reason with a precise example and explain how it proves that concern should extend beyond national borders.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response has a clear introduction, body development, and conclusion, but paragraphing is not visible in the submitted text and some logical links are loose.
Use separate paragraphs for international interdependence, employment or migration, and shared humanity.
Lexical Resource
Topic vocabulary is generally appropriate, with phrases such as global village, poverty, international relationships, and worldwide organisations. Some collocations and word choices are inaccurate.
Use natural collocations such as show concern for, meet basic needs, provide job opportunities, and people in need.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Meaning is mostly clear, but there are frequent article, pronoun, agreement, and clause-structure errors.
Check pronoun agreement, especially one/person/people, and avoid sentence fragments after though.