Modern medical science has made it possible to combat many diseases. This is one reason that people are living longer lives now than they did in the past. Discuss the effects this might have on society.
Sample Response
Modern medicine and developments in medical science have solved the impossible task of conquering many fatal diseases. Therefore people attain the relief of long, happy and painless lives. Some of the numerous outcomes of this relief are rescue from long-term and painful anxieties, accumulation of concentration on subjects that are usually very difficult to do it under painful circumstances and more significantly the importance of healthy decision-making. Apart from that long accumulated experience of older people are helpful for developing a better society. Firstly, the anxiety of pain absorbs the energy of life in people. Thus individuals with diseases spread this weakness to their environment and also they cannot help it. From the other way, it is almost impossible to illustrate enough attempts and pay sufficient attention to either the issues of family and friends or problems and tasks of their jobs as their other fellows. For example, if there is an occupation takes place like job trips, family organisations, they find it difficult adjust to the mood of other members of family and friends. However, their families try to make them as happy as possible. But these problems have been transcended by appropriate treatments and ill people do not need to feel awful anymore. Nevertheless the most difficult period in life, in my opinion, is ill time. Because illness compels people to change their way of thinking and decision-making, in some cases some people try to even suicide because of the pain. It is the heartbreaking part of the story. Although, today with the cooperation of psychologists and doctors most cases of trauma and suicide can be handled. And many diseases with proper medications and operations can be recovered. The experience of older people who live longer can be useful for the new generation and professionals like teachers, politicians, mathematicians, physicists and social workers can contribute more to the world.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Correct the expression Original: solved the impossible task Suggested revision: achieved what once seemed impossible Why it matters: A task is completed rather than solved, and the revision preserves the intended contrast.
- 2. Use natural collocation Original: attain the relief of Suggested revision: benefit from Why it matters: People benefit from longer lives; they do not attain their relief.
- 3. Match the subject Original: older people are helpful Suggested revision: older people is helpful Why it matters: The head noun experience is singular and therefore requires is.
- 4. Use clear wording Original: absorbs the energy of life in people Suggested revision: drains people's energy Why it matters: The original phrase is unnatural and obscures the effect of pain.
- 5. Correct the transition Original: From the other way Suggested revision: On the other hand Why it matters: On the other hand is the standard transition for introducing a contrast.
- 6. Correct the collocation Original: illustrate enough attempts Suggested revision: make sufficient effort Why it matters: People make an effort rather than illustrate attempts.
- 7. Clarify the comparison Original: as their other fellows Suggested revision: as their healthy peers do Why it matters: The revision identifies the comparison group and completes the comparative structure.
- 8. Repair the clause Original: if there is an occupation takes place Suggested revision: when an activity takes place Why it matters: The original clause incorrectly combines two finite verb structures.
- 9. Use accurate examples Original: like job trips, family organisations Suggested revision: such as business trips or family events Why it matters: The revised nouns express the candidate's examples in natural English.
- 10. Add infinitive marker Original: difficult adjust Suggested revision: difficult to adjust Why it matters: The adjective difficult must be followed by a to-infinitive here.
- 11. Clarify noun phrase Original: other members of family and friends Suggested revision: their family members and friends Why it matters: The revision supplies the possessive determiner and removes the unclear grouping.
- 12. Use natural phrase Original: ill time Suggested revision: periods of illness Why it matters: Ill time is not an idiomatic way to refer to being unwell.
Suggested Rewrites
- solved the impossible task achieved what once seemed impossible
- attain the relief of benefit from
- older people are helpful older people is helpful
- absorbs the energy of life in people drains people's energy
- From the other way On the other hand
- illustrate enough attempts make sufficient effort
Why this response received Band 5.0
The response shows an effort to explore positive outcomes and identifies older people's accumulated experience as a potential social benefit. Its main limitation is that most of the discussion concerns relief from illness rather than the effects of longer lifespans on society, while frequent awkward constructions weaken clarity. The highest-priority improvement is to refocus each body paragraph on a distinct society-level consequence of increased longevity and explain it directly.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response is related to medical progress but largely discusses recovery from illness, leaving the requested societal effects of longer lives insufficiently addressed.
Build the essay around two or three direct consequences of longevity, such as workforce participation, public spending, or intergenerational knowledge.
Coherence and Cohesion
Some linking words signal movement between ideas, but the single-block structure, abrupt shifts, and unclear progression make the argument difficult to follow.
Use distinct paragraphs with clear topic sentences and ensure every supporting sentence develops the same societal effect.
Lexical Resource
There is some ambitious vocabulary and topic-specific language, but frequent inaccurate collocations and word-choice errors obscure meaning.
Choose simpler, conventional expressions and check collocations such as relief from pain, ability to concentrate, and attempt suicide.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mixture of simple and complex forms is attempted, but frequent fragments, agreement errors, missing words, and faulty clause structures reduce clarity.
Prioritise complete sentence structures with secure subjects and verbs, then check agreement and dependent-clause punctuation systematically.
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