Some people say that new advancements in factory farming and the creation of new combinations of fruits and vegetables are not beneficial while others disagree with this opinion.
Sample Response
Technology is permeating every realm of human beings’ lives ever since its inception. This can be manifested in biotechnology used to bring about a new combination of fruits and vegetables, and in factory farming. Some argue these practice to be rewarding one, while others question the viability of these. Both points of views will be analysed in this essay before reaching a reasonable conclusion.
It is widely believed by some that the livestock is kept in unsanitary and macabre conditions in many of factory farming arrangement while the use of modern fertilizers causes irrecoverable damage to the environment. This was manifested by many documentaries that aired during the early 1990s, that went behind the scenes of such biotechnologically produced poultry and other edibles. For many people, this inhumane treatment of livestock is enough to keep them from consuming the factory farmed meat. Thus it is understandable, why some people are vocal critics of factory farming and other similar processes.
On the other hand, some people avow, that factory farming is beneficial and for the common good of the mankind. Take, an isolated country like New Zealand, for example, for her the export of poultry produced from the poultry farms, is one of her main source of national revenue. If it wasn’t for these practices, New Zealand would probably be not as competitive as it is today. Hence, the merits of such practices are evident from this example.
For reasons related to, fair treatment of animals, environmental footprints, and economic benefits derision, the topic of factory farming and similar processes is a contentious one. After musing upon both sides of this argument, it is felt that biotechnology will continue to be used, although the tormenting of livestock in such settings, should be admonished.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use present perfect Original: is permeating Suggested revision: has permeated Why it matters: The present perfect is needed with an action continuing from its inception to the present.
- 2. Use natural phrasing Original: human beings’ lives Suggested revision: people’s lives Why it matters: This is a more natural and concise expression in this context.
- 3. Clarify the expression Original: can be manifested in Suggested revision: is evident in Why it matters: The replacement expresses the example more directly and naturally.
- 4. Use plural noun Original: a new combination Suggested revision: new combinations Why it matters: The general reference to multiple kinds of produce requires a plural form.
- 5. Fix number agreement Original: these practice Suggested revision: these practices Why it matters: The plural determiner must be followed by a plural noun.
- 6. Remove wrong pronoun Original: rewarding one Suggested revision: rewarding Why it matters: The pronoun is unnecessary after the object-complement adjective.
- 7. Fix fixed phrase Original: points of views Suggested revision: points of view Why it matters: The standard plural expression keeps view singular.
- 8. Remove article Original: the livestock Suggested revision: livestock Why it matters: Livestock is used generically here and does not take the definite article.
- 9. Fix noun phrase Original: many of factory farming arrangement Suggested revision: many factory-farming arrangements Why it matters: The phrase needs no of and requires a plural head noun.
- 10. Fix verb agreement Original: fertilizers causes Suggested revision: fertilizers cause Why it matters: The plural subject fertilizers requires the base verb form.
- 11. Choose precise word Original: irrecoverable Suggested revision: irreversible Why it matters: Irreversible is the appropriate adjective for damage that cannot be undone.
- 12. Remove stray comma Original: understandable, why Suggested revision: understandable why Why it matters: No comma should separate the adjective from its following why-clause.
Suggested Rewrites
- is permeating has permeated
- human beings’ lives people’s lives
- can be manifested in is evident in
- a new combination new combinations
- these practice these practices
- rewarding one rewarding
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response presents a recognizable two-sided discussion and uses relevant ethical, environmental, and economic considerations, with a reasonably clear concluding stance. Its main limitation is uneven task coverage: the discussion concentrates almost entirely on factory farming, while new fruit and vegetable combinations are scarcely developed, and language errors recur. Prioritize developing both parts of the topic with specific, well-explained support, then edit sentence boundaries, agreement, and collocations for accuracy.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
Both perspectives and a concluding position are presented, but the response largely neglects the issue of newly created fruit and vegetable combinations.
Develop each part of the topic with a distinct, relevant argument and explain how the examples support the stated position.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response progresses logically through an introduction, opposing views, and a conclusion, although some linking and referencing feel mechanical or imprecise.
Use clearer internal progression within paragraphs and remove unnecessary commas that interrupt connections between ideas.
Lexical Resource
A fairly wide vocabulary conveys nuanced ideas, but several ambitious choices and collocations are unnatural or inaccurate.
Prefer precise, conventional expressions and check terms such as those used for economic benefits, environmental effects, and animal treatment.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response uses varied complex structures, but recurring errors with agreement, articles, plurals, and punctuation reduce control.
Proofread each sentence for subject-verb agreement and noun form, and avoid commas between a subject, verb, or essential clause.
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