Some people say that violence in the media promotes violence in society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?
Sample Response
In contemporary times, there exists a contention that the portrayal of violence in the media contributes to an increase in violent behaviour within society. I am inclined to agree with this viewpoint as the depiction of violence in various forms of media tends to desensitise individuals and can potentially influence their actions.
To begin with, the omnipresence of violent content in media platforms such as movies, video games, and television programmes desensitises individuals to violent behaviour. Repeated exposure to graphic imagery and explicit content numbs the sensitivity towards violence, making it seem commonplace. For instance, studies have shown a correlation between prolonged exposure to violent video games and an increase in aggressive behaviour among adolescents, indicating the potential influence of media content on behaviour.
Moreover, media representations often glamorise and normalise violent actions, shaping societal perceptions about the acceptability of such behaviour. Characters portrayed as heroes in movies or television series sometimes resort to violent means to solve conflicts, inadvertently sending a message that violence can be a justifiable means to an end. This normalization of aggression can lead to a skewed understanding of conflict resolution among impressionable audiences. For example, action movie heroes like those in superhero films often defeat villains through intense violence, which audiences may cheer for. Over time, this repeated narrative may subtly suggest that aggression is an effective way to solve problems.
In conclusion, while acknowledging the importance of artistic freedom and the complexities of societal influences, it is imperative to recognise the responsibility of media in shaping perceptions and behaviour. Thus, measures to regulate and monitor violent content in media platforms should be considered to mitigate its potential negative effects on societal behaviour.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Fix the collocation Original: numbs the sensitivity towards violence Suggested revision: reduces sensitivity to violence Why it matters: Sensitivity takes to here, and reduce is the natural verb for a declining response.
- 2. Use natural phrasing Original: In contemporary times Suggested revision: In contemporary society Why it matters: Society is a more natural noun after contemporary in this context.
- 3. Use a direct clause Original: there exists a contention that Suggested revision: some people argue that Why it matters: The active clause is clearer and avoids an awkward existential construction.
- 4. Replace nominal wording Original: contributes to an increase in Suggested revision: increases Why it matters: The direct verb expresses the causal claim more concisely.
- 5. Use a simple preposition Original: within society Suggested revision: in society Why it matters: In is sufficient for this general social context.
- 6. State the view directly Original: I am inclined to agree with this viewpoint Suggested revision: I agree with this view Why it matters: The revision removes unnecessary hedging while preserving agreement.
- 7. Cut redundant wording Original: various forms of media Suggested revision: different media Why it matters: Media already refers to multiple forms, making the phrase more concise.
- 8. Avoid double hedging Original: can potentially influence Suggested revision: may influence Why it matters: May expresses possibility without combining two modal markers.
- 9. Avoid overstatement Original: the omnipresence of Suggested revision: the prevalence of Why it matters: Prevalence conveys widespread presence without implying that the content is literally everywhere.
- 10. Correct the category label Original: media platforms such as movies, video games, and television programmes Suggested revision: media such as films, video games, and television programmes Why it matters: Films and programmes are media forms rather than platforms.
- 11. Clarify the causal chain Suggested revision: Move directly from repeated exposure to reduced sensitivity, then present the cited correlation as support for that sequence. Why it matters: The paragraph shifts from desensitisation to aggression without clearly marking how the two effects relate.
- 12. Separate the two stages Suggested revision: Organise the paragraph so that the normalisation claim and its example come first, followed by the conflict-resolution consequence and its example. Why it matters: The current sequence alternates between claims and examples in a way that blurs the progression.
Suggested Rewrites
- numbs the sensitivity towards violence reduces sensitivity to violence
- In contemporary times In contemporary society
- there exists a contention that some people argue that
- contributes to an increase in increases
- within society in society
- I am inclined to agree with this viewpoint I agree with this view
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response presents a clear position and develops two closely related mechanisms—desensitisation and the normalisation of aggression—with relevant illustrations and strong linguistic control. Its main weakness is limited critical qualification: the references to correlation, artistic freedom, and wider societal influences are not examined, while the proposed regulation appears only in the conclusion; addressing these points would produce a more rigorous and fully rounded argument.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The position is clear and supported by two relevant, substantially developed lines of argument.
Examine a countervailing factor or qualify the claimed causal link before introducing regulation in the conclusion.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument progresses clearly from exposure to social normalisation, with effective paragraphing and cohesive control.
Make the conceptual distinction between desensitisation and imitation more explicit to strengthen progression between the body paragraphs.
Lexical Resource
The response uses a broad, topic-specific vocabulary with generally precise and flexible expression.
Refine slightly awkward collocations such as descriptions of sensitivity being numbed to achieve more fully natural phrasing.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex structures is used accurately, and errors are rare and non-impeding.
Vary some densely subordinated sentences with more concise structures to improve emphasis and rhythm.
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