The crime rate among teenagers has increased dramatically in many countries. Discuss some possible reasons for this increase and suggest solutions.
Sample Response
Nowadays, youngsters are engaging in delinquent activities, which cause pressure in the society. It can be ascribed to the lack of parental supervision and the negative influences of peers. However, this social problem can be tackled by the employers and parents. Primarily, is it often said that youngsters may opt to negative vices if parents do not monitor their activities. Evidently, there are parents who have a hectic schedule in their workplace, thus neglecting the responsibilities to their children. Because of inadequate guidance, these youngsters socialise with other people in the society. For instance, in school, children develop a relationship with their friends as it is considered their second home. A group of friends shares the same habits and passions such as venturing to illegal substances and criminal behaviours. It might be their way to retaliate to their parents, who do not spend time with them. These children may eel resentment due to the fact that they might have the feeling of being unloved and unwanted. Therefore, they will perform nefarious actions such that they will gain the attention of their parents, and make them regretful for being preoccupied to their employment. However, it can never be denied that this social dilemma can be addressed by the parents and the employers. First of all, parents can give more attention to their children by having a weekly family outing to different places. For example, they could eat together in a luxurious restaurant or watch a movie in order to regain the aloof relationship. These parents can show to their children that they are important despite their busy schedule. Secondly, employers can curtail the employment hours of those employees who have children. As a result, these workers can spend more time with their children. To conclude, there is an escalation of crimes conducted by youngsters, who have a lacking in supervision from their parents. Nevertheless, it is apparent that managers can help those employees, who have children, to allocate more time to their family. It is very likely that frequent family bonding can eradicate the negative behaviours of their children.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Fix preposition Original: pressure in the society Suggested revision: pressure on society Why it matters: Pressure takes on rather than in when describing its effect on society.
- 2. Use natural collocation Original: the negative influences of peers Suggested revision: negative peer influence Why it matters: This is the more concise and conventional expression.
- 3. Remove unnecessary article Original: the employers and parents Suggested revision: employers and parents Why it matters: The groups are mentioned generally, so the definite article is unnecessary.
- 4. Fix word order Original: Primarily, is it often said Suggested revision: Primarily, it is often said Why it matters: The declarative clause requires subject-before-verb order.
- 5. Fix verb pattern Original: opt to negative vices Suggested revision: turn to vice Why it matters: Opt to cannot be followed by a noun, while turn to expresses the intended meaning.
- 6. Use idiomatic phrase Original: in their workplace Suggested revision: at work Why it matters: At work is the natural phrase for describing a demanding schedule.
- 7. Fix collocation Original: responsibilities to their children Suggested revision: responsibilities towards their children Why it matters: Responsibilities towards someone is the appropriate collocation here.
- 8. Express possibility Original: these youngsters socialise Suggested revision: these youngsters may socialise Why it matters: Adding may avoids presenting this possible response as an automatic result.
- 9. Remove needless phrase Original: people in the society Suggested revision: people in their community Why it matters: Community is more specific and avoids the unnatural repeated phrase in the society.
- 10. Use logical plural Original: develop a relationship with their friends Suggested revision: form relationships with their friends Why it matters: The plural noun better matches children having multiple friendships.
- 11. Fix collocation Original: venturing to illegal substances Suggested revision: using illegal substances Why it matters: Venture to does not express involvement with drugs or other illegal substances.
- 12. Correct spelling Original: may eel resentment Suggested revision: may feel resentment Why it matters: Feel is misspelled as eel.
Suggested Rewrites
- pressure in the society pressure on society
- the negative influences of peers negative peer influence
- the employers and parents employers and parents
- Primarily, is it often said Primarily, it is often said
- opt to negative vices turn to vice
- in their workplace at work
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response is strongest in presenting a clear central explanation and offering practical actions involving parents and employers. Its main limitation is that peer influence is not developed distinctly, while several causal claims become speculative or repetitive and the absence of paragraphing weakens readability. The highest-priority improvement is to organise the reasons and solutions into separate paragraphs, then support each with a direct, credible explanation using more natural grammar and collocation.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response addresses causes and solutions with relevant ideas, but peer influence receives limited independent development and some supporting claims are implausible or overextended.
Develop each stated cause separately and ensure every proposed solution responds directly and realistically to that cause.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument follows a broadly clear sequence from causes to solutions, but presenting the entire response as one paragraph and using mechanical transitions weakens organisation.
Divide the essay into clear introduction, causes, solutions, and conclusion paragraphs, with each paragraph centred on one controlling idea.
Lexical Resource
The response attempts a reasonably wide vocabulary, but frequent inaccurate collocations and word choices reduce precision and naturalness.
Prioritise accurate combinations such as 'turn to crime', 'use illegal substances', and 'rebuild a distant relationship' over unnecessarily elaborate wording.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
There is a mix of simple and complex structures, but recurring errors in articles, prepositions, agreement, and clause formation are noticeable throughout.
Review sentence structure and common verb-preposition patterns, especially in longer sentences where grammatical control is least reliable.
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