Some people think that parents should teach their children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the best place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Sample Response
A number of individuals agree that parents ought to hold the responsibility to integrate their offspring into functioning members of society; while others believe educational institutions are best to carry out that task. The way I see it, both viewpoints have their own considerable arguments, but I’d argue that when it comes to children, perhaps receiving education from their parents is more effective.
Schools are no doubt important in fostering growth within children, whether it is emotional, social, or intellectual. Surrounded by their peers and authority figures other than their parents, children can recalibrate their behaviours, beliefs, and values based on the external feedback they may receive. In this sense, schools do provide a playground that allows students to become useful parts of society. However, schools are rarely able to instill the foundations that make a good citizen in students; this role is usually fulfilled by parental figures.
Parental figures hold a more crucial role in ensuring that their children become respectable members of society. Like a duckling that follows its mother around, children model their foundational values based on what their parents teach them, whether it’s intentional or unintentional. For instance, a toddler may repeatedly see that her father does things in a certain way. Having been exposed to a particular behaviour as a child, it’s likely that she’d grow up to imitate her father’s behaviour in her day-to-day life or tolerate such behaviour in others. This holds true for religious and political beliefs in that children typically conform to their parents’ beliefs.
In conclusion, while educational institutions are undoubtedly important in the task of integrating children into good members of society, parents hold an essential role in laying out the groundwork on which their children will build and rely upon.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Incorrect semicolon Original: society; while others Suggested revision: society, while others Why it matters: A semicolon should not be used before 'while' when it introduces a dependent contrast clause. A comma is appropriate here.
- 2. Word choice Original: best to carry out Suggested revision: best suited to carry out Why it matters: Adding 'suited' makes the phrase more idiomatic and academically precise.
- 3. Preposition choice Original: growth within children Suggested revision: growth in children Why it matters: 'Growth in children' or 'children's growth' is more natural than 'growth within children' in this context.
- 4. Spelling consistency Original: behaviours Suggested revision: behaviors Why it matters: Both 'behaviours' (UK) and 'behaviors' (US) are correct, but ensure consistency throughout the text. Later, 'behaviour' is used.
- 5. Semicolon usage Original: citizen in students; Suggested revision: citizen in students. This Why it matters: Using a semicolon here is grammatically acceptable but creates a very long, heavy sentence. Splitting it into two sentences improves readability.
- 6. Informal simile Original: Like a duckling that follows its mother around, Suggested revision: From an early age, Why it matters: While descriptive, the duckling simile is slightly too informal/creative for an academic IELTS essay. A more direct academic transition is preferred.
- 7. Incomplete prepositional phrase Original: build and rely upon Suggested revision: build upon and rely on Why it matters: The verb 'build' requires the preposition 'upon' or 'on' in this context. Saying 'build and rely upon' leaves 'build' without its necessary preposition.
- 8. Refine thesis statement Original: The way I see it, both viewpoints have their own considerable arguments, but I’d argue that when it comes to children, perhaps receiving education from their parents is more effective. Suggested revision: In my opinion, while both viewpoints have merit, parental guidance is ultimately more effective in instilling foundational social values. Why it matters: The phrase 'The way I see it' and 'perhaps' weaken the academic tone of your thesis statement. State your position more assertively.
- 9. Improve metaphor Original: In this sense, schools do provide a playground that allows students to become useful parts of society. Suggested revision: In this sense, schools provide a structured environment that allows students to learn how to cooperate within a community. Why it matters: The word 'playground' might be interpreted too literally in a school context. Using 'structured environment' maintains the academic register.
- 10. Avoid contractions Original: Having been exposed to a particular behaviour as a child, it’s likely that she’d grow up to imitate her father’s behaviour in her day-to-day life or tolerate such behaviour in others. Suggested revision: Having been exposed to a particular behavior as a child, she is likely to grow up to imitate her father’s behavior in her day-to-day life or tolerate such behavior in others. Why it matters: Avoid contractions like 'it's' and 'she'd' in formal academic writing. Also, restructuring the main clause avoids a dangling modifier.
- 11. Expand school argument Suggested revision: Add one more sentence explaining *how* schools teach citizenship (e.g., through civic education, group projects, or rules). Why it matters: The paragraph about schools is a bit short compared to the paragraph about parents. Expanding on how schools foster social integration would make the 'discuss both views' aspect more balanced.
- 12. Strengthen conclusion link Suggested revision: Ensure the conclusion explicitly restates your final opinion clearly without introducing new metaphors. Why it matters: The conclusion is good, but ensuring it directly mirrors the prompt's language ('good members of society') helps reinforce task achievement.
Suggested Rewrites
- society; while others society, while others
- best to carry out best suited to carry out
- growth within children growth in children
- behaviours behaviors
- citizen in students; citizen in students. This
- Like a duckling that follows its mother around, From an early age,
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The candidate addresses both sides of the prompt and presents a clear opinion. The ideas are well-developed with relevant examples, such as the modeling of parental behavior.
To improve further, ensure that the school's role in teaching children to be good members of society is discussed in slightly more depth before transitioning to the parental role.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is highly coherent with a logical progression of ideas. Paragraphing is appropriate, and cohesive devices are used naturally.
Avoid minor punctuation issues, such as unnecessary semicolons, to make the flow even smoother.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is a strong point, featuring precise and natural collocations like 'recalibrate their behaviours', 'foundational values', and 'instill the foundations'.
Continue using sophisticated vocabulary naturally while ensuring that idiomatic expressions (like the duckling simile) fit the academic tone perfectly.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The grammar is mostly accurate with a good mix of complex structures. Minor punctuation errors and slight awkwardness in clause connections are the only limitations.
Focus on perfecting punctuation rules, particularly regarding semicolons and subordinating conjunctions.