Men do most of the high-level jobs. Should the government encourage a certain percentage of these jobs to be reserved for women? What is your opinion on that?
Sample Response
: Though some people would argue that women are working in high-level job positions in many renowned organisations, the reality is that the number of such women employees is very ignorable compared to their male counterpart. As a result, the issue appears that the government should reserve a certain percentage of such jobs for women and this is supported by a group of people while being criticised by another group. In my opinion, the government actually should reserve a percentage of such jobs to maintain the equal opportunity, to maintain a balanced workspace and in the overall economy. First of all, the high-level jobs occupied by the male diminish the balances of power between the male and female in such organisations. Since we are living in a century where we are most sincere to establish the equal power of men and female, this is very reasonable that women should actually work in such high-level positions. Second, the consumers, end users and service receivers of a company and organisation are both male and female and female decision-making employees for such companies are equally important compared to the male. Third, the society would like to make a balance between the contribution of male and female and again the power between them, without letting women work in high-level job position, it would not be possible. The women are needed to participate in every sphere of society for a better world and without letting them use their ability we can’t actually expect that. Fourth, the women are improving in terms of education, power, contribution in the current era than before and such a scheme is taken by the government would inspire them more to run ahead. In third world countries, the fate of girl is determined when her parents decide if the girl should go to school or should learn to cook and get prepared for marriage. The privilege provided by the government in case of jobs for women would encourage such parents to equally treat their boys and girls.
In conclusion, a certain reserved position for women in high-level jobs is actually a good idea to empower the women towards the overall betterment of the organisation and society.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove stray colon Original: : Suggested revision: Delete Why it matters: The response should not begin with an unattached colon.
- 2. Use precise adjective Original: very ignorable Suggested revision: negligible Why it matters: Negligible is the natural adjective for a number that is extremely small.
- 3. Use plural noun Original: their male counterpart Suggested revision: their male counterparts Why it matters: The comparison refers to multiple male employees, so the noun must be plural.
- 4. State inference clearly Original: the issue appears that Suggested revision: it follows that Why it matters: This phrase introduces the resulting proposal more naturally.
- 5. Clarify the agents Original: this is supported by a group of people while being criticised by another group Suggested revision: some people support this proposal while others criticise it Why it matters: The active construction clearly identifies both groups and their positions.
- 6. Use natural collocation Original: maintain the equal opportunity Suggested revision: ensure equal opportunity Why it matters: Ensure equal opportunity is the standard collocation for protecting fairness.
- 7. Complete the parallelism Original: and in the overall economy Suggested revision: and to strengthen the overall economy Why it matters: A third infinitive phrase completes the list of intended benefits.
- 8. Use concise wording Original: the high-level jobs occupied by the male Suggested revision: male dominance of high-level jobs Why it matters: The replacement states the distribution of senior roles clearly and concisely.
- 9. Fix number and verb Original: diminish the balances of power Suggested revision: distorts the balance of power Why it matters: Balance is singular in this expression, and distorts accurately describes the effect.
- 10. Use parallel plurals Original: between the male and female Suggested revision: between men and women Why it matters: Parallel plural nouns are required when referring to the two groups generally.
- 11. Use natural collocation Original: most sincere to establish Suggested revision: most committed to establishing Why it matters: Committed to establishing naturally expresses sustained dedication to a goal.
- 12. Fix clause structure Original: this is very reasonable that Suggested revision: it is therefore reasonable for Why it matters: The revised anticipatory-it construction correctly introduces the following noun and infinitive.
Suggested Rewrites
- : Delete
- very ignorable negligible
- their male counterpart their male counterparts
- the issue appears that it follows that
- this is supported by a group of people while being criticised by another group some people support this proposal while others criticise it
- maintain the equal opportunity ensure equal opportunity
Why this response received Band 6.0
The essay gives a clear and consistent opinion and supports reserving senior positions for women with several relevant reasons, including representation, equality, and wider social encouragement. Its main weakness is that the ideas become repetitive and are expressed through mechanical sequencing and frequent awkward language. Prioritise developing two distinct arguments in depth and editing sentence structure and collocations for greater precision.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
A clear position is maintained and several relevant reasons are offered, although much of the discussion repeats the general idea of equality rather than developing distinct consequences.
Select two strongest reasons for reservation and extend each with a specific explanation of how the policy would produce the claimed benefit.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response progresses from its position through a numbered series of reasons to a conclusion, but the sequencing is mechanical and the main body is one dense paragraph.
Group related points into two developed body paragraphs and replace the numbered transitions with logical links between claims and consequences.
Lexical Resource
The essay shows a sufficient range for discussing employment and gender equality, but recurring imprecise words and unnatural collocations weaken control.
Use natural phrases such as underrepresented, equal opportunities, senior roles, and encourage girls' education instead of forced or vague expressions.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of sentence forms is attempted and meaning is generally clear, though errors with articles, agreement, plurals, comparison, and clause boundaries recur.
Break up long sentences and check agreement and noun forms carefully, especially references to men, women, jobs, and organisations.