Many people think that nowadays people are being subjected to more and more pressure in their work, and thus are having less and less time to relax. What is your opinion?
Sample Response
In modern society, especially in big cities, undoubtedly hard work has become a very important feature of ordinary people’s everyday life. It seems that many people are under the impression that their work is becoming more pressing and urgent, and thus they sacrifice more and more leisure time.
In the first place, with the rapid development of science and technology, work today is more demanding than it used to be. For example, college graduates nowadays have to master English, computer science and driving skills before they can find decent jobs. People have to spend more time acquiring new techniques and skills. And their spare time tends to be fully occupied, not with leisure pursuit, but with work-related pursuits.
In the second place, competition is becoming more intense. Many people feel anxious that they may be “laid-off” if they can’t work as hard as others. And they also feel at a disadvantage before new graduates. Therefore, it is understandable that people keep themselves involved in intensely hard work in order to preserve their positions.
In my opinion, the worst aspect of this phenomenon is that the huge pressure of work will gradually affect people’s mental health. Excessively hard work means that people can never get rid of the fatigue of their work, even in their leisure time. This means that they can not enjoy a normal life. In a word, in modern society overwork is stealing our leisure time. however, I believe this problem will be settled eventually with the development of science and technology.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Place adverb correctly Original: undoubtedly hard work has become Suggested revision: hard work has undoubtedly become Why it matters: The adverb should follow the subject to modify the verb phrase clearly.
- 2. Use plural lives Original: ordinary people’s everyday life Suggested revision: ordinary people’s everyday lives Why it matters: The plural noun people requires the corresponding plural lives.
- 3. Use direct wording Original: under the impression that Suggested revision: finding that Why it matters: This wording expresses the observation more directly and concisely.
- 4. Avoid redundant wording Original: more pressing and urgent Suggested revision: more demanding Why it matters: Pressing and urgent overlap in meaning, while demanding fits workplace pressure precisely.
- 5. Tighten time reference Original: college graduates nowadays Suggested revision: today’s college graduates Why it matters: The possessive phrase is more concise while preserving the time reference.
- 6. Improve list precision Original: master English, computer science and driving skills Suggested revision: develop proficiency in English, computing, and driving Why it matters: Develop proficiency collocates more naturally with this varied list of skills.
- 7. Use plural noun Original: not with leisure pursuit Suggested revision: not with leisure pursuits Why it matters: The countable noun needs the plural form when referring to leisure activities generally.
- 8. Specify the competition Original: competition is becoming more intense Suggested revision: workplace competition is intensifying Why it matters: Naming workplace competition makes the reference more precise and concise.
- 9. Clarify comparison group Original: work as hard as others Suggested revision: work as hard as their colleagues Why it matters: Their colleagues identifies the relevant comparison group more clearly.
- 10. Correct comparison phrase Original: feel at a disadvantage before new graduates Suggested revision: feel at a disadvantage compared with new graduates Why it matters: Compared with is the correct phrase for contrasting the two groups.
- 11. Fix awkward collocation Original: involved in intensely hard work Suggested revision: engaged in intensive work Why it matters: Engaged in intensive work is the natural collocation for sustained demanding work.
- 12. Use natural collocation Original: preserve their positions Suggested revision: retain their jobs Why it matters: Retain their jobs states the employment concern more naturally.
Suggested Rewrites
- undoubtedly hard work has become hard work has undoubtedly become
- ordinary people’s everyday life ordinary people’s everyday lives
- under the impression that finding that
- more pressing and urgent more demanding
- college graduates nowadays today’s college graduates
- master English, computer science and driving skills develop proficiency in English, computing, and driving
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response presents a clear opinion and supports it with logically ordered reasons concerning technological demands, competition, and mental health. Its main limitation is that several claims remain general, while the final prediction that technology will solve the problem is introduced without explanation and sits uneasily with the earlier argument. Develop that concluding idea or replace it with a conclusion grounded directly in the preceding discussion.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response clearly addresses the issue, maintains a relevant position, and develops several supporting reasons, though the final prediction is unsupported.
Either explain how technological development could reduce overwork or conclude by synthesising the established causes and effects.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through distinct paragraphs, with clear sequencing and generally effective cohesive links.
Use less formulaic paragraph openings and make the final transition connect more explicitly to the preceding argument.
Lexical Resource
A sufficiently flexible vocabulary conveys workplace pressure and its consequences precisely, despite a few awkward collocations.
Refine combinations such as “leisure pursuits” and replace less natural phrases such as “at a disadvantage before new graduates.”
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A varied range of complex sentences is generally well controlled, and the few errors do not impede meaning.
Polish punctuation and sentence openings, particularly by capitalising “However” and avoiding unnecessary coordination with “And.”