Shopping is the favourite free time activity for many young people today. Why do you think this has happened? Should young people be encouraged to do different activities in their free time rather than shopping?
Sample Response
Young people’s approach toward hobbies is changing dramatically, and it is often influenced by technology and the modern world. At present, shopping as a favourite pastime activity is becoming extremely popular, especially among youngsters. Admittedly, shopping outlets' services, lucrative offers, rapid changes in technology, and digital advertisements are playing key roles in making this trend popular. However, unnecessary shopping is a waste of time and money, which, I believe, could be better utilised by youths. The modern world we live in has many new technologies, gadgets, and fashion items, and they change so frequently that it is almost impossible to remain fashionable, trendy and updated without shopping regularly. Many people, especially youngsters, go shopping regularly because they feel those items are necessary for them. Since brands release new items quite often, the young generation goes shopping frequently. Digital advertisements by big and small brands also reach millions of youngsters and constantly lure them to get fashionable items to look and feel good, and sometimes their offers and discounts are quite good to be missed! For instance, renowned brands like Nike or some small brands often give up to 50% discount which drags many youngsters to their outlets. Youths can use their leisure time in more productive activities and hobbies like going out and doing exercise, socialising with others, getting involved in charity works and taking part in different outdoor sports. These activities will keep them mentally and physically fit and make a far more healthy young generation without chronic diseases and obesity. Besides, they can invest time in reading, which will broaden their imagination and enhance their knowledge. For example, it is evident that students who like to read a lot do much better in exams and end up having a better career than those who hardly read books outside of their academic syllabus. To conclude, I believe that shopping is important when it is restricted to buying necessary items. But if it becomes an obsession for young people, it is a problem. They should better spend the money and time doing things that would benefit them in the long run.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural preposition Original: approach toward hobbies Suggested revision: approach to hobbies Why it matters: ‘Approach to’ is the more natural collocation in this context.
- 2. Remove redundancy Original: a favourite pastime activity Suggested revision: a favourite pastime Why it matters: ‘Pastime’ already means a free-time activity, so ‘activity’ is redundant.
- 3. Improve noun phrase Original: shopping outlets' services Suggested revision: the services offered by retailers Why it matters: This wording is clearer and avoids an awkward possessive noun cluster.
- 4. Use natural wording Original: could be better utilised by youths Suggested revision: could be used more productively by young people Why it matters: The revision expresses the intended use of time and money more naturally.
- 5. Remove wordiness Original: The modern world we live in Suggested revision: The modern world Why it matters: ‘We live in’ repeats meaning already conveyed by ‘the modern world’.
- 6. Fix the expression Original: fashionable, trendy and updated Suggested revision: fashionable, trendy and up to date Why it matters: ‘Up to date’ is the idiomatic expression for remaining current.
- 7. Clarify the reference Original: those items Suggested revision: new gadgets and fashion items Why it matters: Naming the items removes ambiguity about what young people consider necessary.
- 8. Use natural subject Original: the young generation goes shopping Suggested revision: young people go shopping Why it matters: ‘Young people’ is more direct and idiomatic than ‘the young generation’ here.
- 9. Improve verb choice Original: lure them to get fashionable items Suggested revision: encourage them to buy fashionable items Why it matters: ‘Buy’ is more precise than ‘get’, while ‘encourage’ avoids the unnecessarily loaded verb ‘lure’.
- 10. Fix the expression Original: quite good to be missed Suggested revision: too good to miss Why it matters: The fixed result expression requires ‘too good to miss’.
- 11. Tighten the contrast Original: renowned brands like Nike or some small brands Suggested revision: large and small brands Why it matters: The concise pairing expresses the intended range without an awkward example contrast.
- 12. Fix discount collocation Original: give up to 50% discount Suggested revision: offer discounts of up to 50% Why it matters: Brands ‘offer discounts’, and the plural form fits a general recurring practice.
Suggested Rewrites
- approach toward hobbies approach to hobbies
- a favourite pastime activity a favourite pastime
- shopping outlets' services the services offered by retailers
- could be better utilised by youths could be used more productively by young people
- The modern world we live in The modern world
- fashionable, trendy and updated fashionable, trendy and up to date
Why this response received Band 7.5
The essay answers both questions directly, explaining the appeal of shopping through product turnover, advertising, and discounts, then proposing healthier and more educational alternatives. Its main limitation is presentation and precision: all ideas appear in one paragraph, and several phrases such as "quite good to be missed" and "should better spend" are unnatural. Separate causes from recommendations and edit these phrases into idiomatic academic English.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
Both questions are fully addressed with several developed causes, a clear view, practical alternative activities, and relevant supporting examples.
Make the causal analysis still sharper by distinguishing the influence of rapid product change from the separate influence of advertising and discounts.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically from causes to alternative activities and a conclusion, but presenting the entire response as one paragraph obscures this strong underlying structure.
Use distinct paragraphs for the introduction, causes of shopping's popularity, recommended alternatives, and conclusion.
Lexical Resource
A broad range supports discussion of technology, advertising, fitness, charity, and reading, though several collocations are imprecise or overly forceful.
Replace "quite good to be missed," "drags many youngsters," and "charity works" with "too good to miss," "attracts young shoppers," and "charity work."
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Varied complex structures are generally controlled and meaning remains clear, with only occasional errors in comparison forms and verb patterns.
Use accurate forms such as "a much healthier generation" and "they would be better off spending their time and money."
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Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.
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