The table shows the worldwide market share of the mobile phone market for manufactures in the years 2005 and 2006.
Sample Response
The table illustrates the proportion of the market share of mobile phone services around the globe for manufacturing usages in 7 different companies, Nokia, Motorola, Samsung, L.G, BenQ Mobile and others between 2005 and 2006.
Overall, from 2005 to 2006, Nokia was the most popular mobile phone service provider, while BenQ Mobile had the least market share among those companies. The percentage of the mobile phone market of Nokia, Motorola and Sony Ericsson increased steadily, while the rest of others declined throughout the period.
To begin with, it can be seen that in the year 2005, Nokia was the top number among others at 32.5%, following Motorola was 17.7% and their market share rates rose continuously by 2.5% and 3.4% respectively in 2006. In addition, Sony Ericsson was 6.3% of the whole market share, and it also grew by roughly 1% between 2005 and 2006.
Moreover, Samsung, L.G, BenQ Mobile and other companies had a downtrend of global mobile phone market share during those periods. Among those companies, the worldwide market share of BenQ Mobile and others fell rapidly from 4.9% to 2.4% and from 19.2% to 16.2%, respectively, while Samsung and L.G companies decreased slightly by approximately 1% and 0.4%.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use the measured feature Original: most popular mobile phone service provider Suggested revision: company with the largest market share Why it matters: The table measures manufacturers' market shares rather than the popularity of service providers.
- 2. Use natural comparison Original: least Suggested revision: smallest Why it matters: Market share is conventionally described as largest or smallest.
- 3. Fix possessive structure Original: The percentage of the mobile phone market of Nokia Suggested revision: The market shares of Nokia Why it matters: The revised noun phrase correctly links the companies to their market shares.
- 4. Avoid unsupported trend Original: increased steadily Suggested revision: increased Why it matters: Two yearly observations show an increase but cannot establish a steady trend.
- 5. Remove redundant wording Original: the rest of others Suggested revision: the remaining companies Why it matters: The original phrase is redundant and does not clearly identify the other categories.
- 6. Describe two-year change Original: declined throughout the period Suggested revision: declined between the two years Why it matters: The table provides only two observations, so a continuous decline is unsupported.
- 7. Use market-share phrasing Original: was 6.3% of the whole market share Suggested revision: held a 6.3% market share Why it matters: This phrasing states the company's share clearly and naturally.
- 8. Use percentage points Original: roughly 1% between 2005 and 2006 Suggested revision: 1.1 percentage points between 2005 and 2006 Why it matters: The share rose from 6.3% to 7.4%, a difference of 1.1 percentage points.
- 9. Signal contrast clearly Original: Moreover, Samsung Suggested revision: By contrast, Samsung Why it matters: This paragraph shifts from companies with gains to companies with declines.
- 10. Use natural trend phrasing Original: had a downtrend of global mobile phone market share Suggested revision: saw declines in their global mobile phone market shares Why it matters: The revision uses a natural collocation and the correct plural reference.
- 11. Name the comparison span Original: during those periods Suggested revision: between the two years Why it matters: The table compares two years rather than multiple continuous periods.
- 12. Remove repetitive reference Original: Among those companies, the worldwide Suggested revision: The worldwide Why it matters: The repeated reference to the same companies is unnecessary for progression.
Suggested Rewrites
- most popular mobile phone service provider company with the largest market share
- least smallest
- The percentage of the mobile phone market of Nokia The market shares of Nokia
- increased steadily increased
- the rest of others the remaining companies
- declined throughout the period declined between the two years
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response gives a clear overview and accurately reports the main shifts, with relevant figures covering every manufacturer category. Its main weakness is imprecise and sometimes unnatural wording, which makes several comparisons sound less authoritative than the data warrants. Prioritise precise market-share language and cleaner sentence structures, while stating the 2006 figures directly where useful.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
A clear overview identifies the leaders and overall direction, while the details accurately cover all seven market categories and their changes.
State more of the final-year figures directly and describe the companies as manufacturers rather than service providers.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response progresses logically from the overview to rising and falling categories, with clear paragraphing and generally effective referencing.
Use transitions more naturally and tighten connections within the long sentence comparing Nokia and Motorola.
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary is sufficient for trends and comparisons, but several collocations such as manufacturing usages and top number are inaccurate or unnatural.
Use precise combinations such as mobile-phone manufacturers, held the largest share, rose, and declined.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex structures communicates the data clearly, although recurring clause, article, and noun-phrase errors reduce control.
Revise comparative sentence patterns and agreement, especially constructions such as followed by Motorola and Samsung and LG decreased.
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IELTS Academic Writing Task 1
The table shows the worldwide market share of the mobile phone market for manufactures in the years 2005 and 2006.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.