The table shows the worldwide market share of the mobile phone market for manufactures in the years 2005 and 2006.
Sample Response
As you know, mobile phones are the basic need for humans in today’s world. Everyone has a mobile phone, from Children to old aged people and there are many different companies of mobile phones in the market to provide different types of phones. Mobile company’s sales are going higher and higher day by day. The table below provides the information about the sales of mobiles phones in the year 2005 and 2006.
In 2005, Nokia had the highest market share compare to all other companies, which was 32.5%, and if I compare between Motorola(17.7)% and Samsung(12.5)%, both companies have only a 5% difference. Moving Ahead, Sony Ericsson(6.3)% and L.G(6.7)% have almost the same percentage of market share and one another, which is BenQ mobile covered only 4.9% and other small companies covered the market with 19%.
In 2006, Nokia was still on top this year with 35%. Compared with 2005, Motorola rose in 2006 with 21.1%, and Samsung was declined in 2006 by 11.8%. Furthermore, Sony Ericsson was increased in 2006 by 7.4%, and L.G was going down in the market by 6.3%. BenQ mobile was declined with only a 2.4% market share, and Other companies covered only 16.2% market share.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove reader address Original: As you know, Suggested revision: Delete Why it matters: Academic Task 1 should begin directly with an objective description of the visual.
- 2. Fix article choice Original: the Suggested revision: a Why it matters: A singular countable noun introduced generally requires the indefinite article.
- 3. Use lowercase Original: Children Suggested revision: children Why it matters: This common noun should not be capitalized mid-sentence.
- 4. Use natural phrase Original: old aged people Suggested revision: older people Why it matters: Older people is the natural expression for this age group.
- 5. Fix noun phrase Original: companies of mobile phones Suggested revision: mobile phone companies Why it matters: The compound noun mobile phone companies expresses the intended meaning naturally.
- 6. Remove false possessive Original: company’s Suggested revision: phone Why it matters: The singular possessive incorrectly suggests that the sales belong to one company.
- 7. Name measured metric Original: sales of mobiles phones Suggested revision: mobile phone market shares Why it matters: The table reports percentage market share rather than the number of phones sold.
- 8. Fix year phrase Original: in the year 2005 and 2006 Suggested revision: in 2005 and 2006 Why it matters: The singular phrase the year cannot introduce two different years.
- 9. Use precise comparison Original: Nokia was still on top this year Suggested revision: Nokia remained the market leader Why it matters: Market leader states the comparative relationship more precisely and formally.
- 10. Name the changing share Original: Motorola rose in 2006 with 21.1% Suggested revision: Motorola's share rose to 21.1% Why it matters: The company's market share, rather than the company itself, increased to this value.
- 11. Use active verb Original: Samsung was declined Suggested revision: Samsung's share declined Why it matters: Decline is intransitive here and should refer directly to Samsung's share.
- 12. Correct value relation Original: in 2006 by 11.8% Suggested revision: to 11.8% Why it matters: The table gives 11.8% as Samsung's final share, not the amount of its decline.
Suggested Rewrites
- As you know, Delete
- the a
- Children children
- old aged people older people
- companies of mobile phones mobile phone companies
- company’s phone
Why this response received Band 5.5
The response reports nearly all manufacturers and most figures, making the main data broadly understandable. Its main weakness is the absence of a concise overview, compounded by an irrelevant opening and several imprecise statements about changes, including Samsung's 2005 figure and rises or falls described as amounts rather than final shares. Prioritise an accurate overview comparing the dominant companies and overall movements before presenting selected details.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
Most companies and figures are covered, but there is no clear overview and several details are inaccurate, unsupported, or imprecisely expressed.
Replace the general opening with an overview stating that Nokia remained dominant, Motorola gained share, and most other categories declined.
Coherence and Cohesion
The year-by-year paragraph structure gives the report a clear basic progression, although long sentences and mechanical transitions weaken cohesion.
Group the data by major increases and decreases, and use shorter comparative sentences instead of moving through every company mechanically.
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary is adequate for describing market shares, but recurrent collocation and word-form errors reduce precision.
Use accurate patterns such as rose to, fell to, accounted for, and was higher than, while avoiding awkward phrases such as was declined.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mixture of sentence forms is attempted, but frequent errors in articles, agreement, comparison structures, punctuation, and passive forms remain noticeable.
Practise controlled comparative sentences with correct subjects and verbs, then check each sentence for articles, plural forms, and unnecessary passive constructions.
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IELTS Academic Writing Task 1
The table shows the worldwide market share of the mobile phone market for manufactures in the years 2005 and 2006.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.