The table shows the worldwide market share of the mobile phone market for manufactures in the years 2005 and 2006.
Sample Response
DeleteAs you know, mobile phones are athe basic need for humans in today’s world. Everyone has a mobile phone, from childrenChildren to older peopleold aged people and there are many different mobile phone companiescompanies of mobile phones in the market to provide different types of phones. Mobile phonecompany’s sales are going higher and higher day by day. The table below provides the information about the mobile phone market sharessales of mobiles phones in 2005 and 2006in the year 2005 and 2006.
In 2005, Nokia had the highest market share compare to all other companies, which was 32.5%, and if I compare between Motorola(17.7)% and Samsung(12.5)%, both companies have only a 5% difference. Moving Ahead, Sony Ericsson(6.3)% and L.G(6.7)% have almost the same percentage of market share and one another, which is BenQ mobile covered only 4.9% and other small companies covered the market with 19%.
In 2006, Nokia remained the market leaderNokia was still on top this year with 35%. Compared with 2005, Motorola's share rose to 21.1%Motorola rose in 2006 with 21.1%, and Samsung's share declinedSamsung was declined to 11.8%in 2006 by 11.8%. Furthermore, Sony Ericsson's share increasedSony Ericsson was increased to 7.4%in 2006 by 7.4%, and L.G's share fell to 6.3%L.G was going down in the market by 6.3%. BenQ Mobile's share declined to 2.4%BenQ mobile was declined with only a 2.4% market share, and Other companies covered only 16.2% market share.
Why this response received Band 5.5
The response reports nearly all manufacturers and most figures, making the main data broadly understandable. Its main weakness is the absence of a concise overview, compounded by an irrelevant opening and several imprecise statements about changes, including Samsung's 2005 figure and rises or falls described as amounts rather than final shares. Prioritise an accurate overview comparing the dominant companies and overall movements before presenting selected details.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
Most companies and figures are covered, but there is no clear overview and several details are inaccurate, unsupported, or imprecisely expressed.
Replace the general opening with an overview stating that Nokia remained dominant, Motorola gained share, and most other categories declined.
Coherence and Cohesion
The year-by-year paragraph structure gives the report a clear basic progression, although long sentences and mechanical transitions weaken cohesion.
Group the data by major increases and decreases, and use shorter comparative sentences instead of moving through every company mechanically.
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary is adequate for describing market shares, but recurrent collocation and word-form errors reduce precision.
Use accurate patterns such as rose to, fell to, accounted for, and was higher than, while avoiding awkward phrases such as was declined.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mixture of sentence forms is attempted, but frequent errors in articles, agreement, comparison structures, punctuation, and passive forms remain noticeable.
Practise controlled comparative sentences with correct subjects and verbs, then check each sentence for articles, plural forms, and unnecessary passive constructions.
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IELTS Academic Writing Task 1
The table shows the worldwide market share of the mobile phone market for manufactures in the years 2005 and 2006.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.