Many people are using credit cards or loans to run up huge personal debts that they may be unable to repay. It should, therefore, be made more difficult for individuals to borrow large amounts of money. What are your opinions on this?
Sample Response
In today’s modern world, it is certainly true that most people own at least a credit card. Some may even have four to five credit cards which eventually cause them to run up huge personal debt. Some people are of the opinion that government and banking authority should make it harder for individuals to borrow large amounts of money and I strongly agree with it.
There are several reasons why it should be less easy for people to borrow money. To begin, a huge personal debt will probably increase their burden. Even though they may be worked harder in order to earn more money to clear off their debt, it is always not a simple task for them. According to the statistic from a well-known bank, it has shown that more that 65% of the people are unable to repay which may be partly due to the high-interest rate they have to deal with. As a result, many of them, especially those aged below 30, may choose to end their previous lives by suicidal which we are constantly confronted with newspaper or many of them commit the crime to gain some money.
Apart from that, the individuals are too materialistic nowadays. They borrow the money from the bank and use it to buy things to satisfy themselves. They think that the more things they own, the happier they are. Therefore, the government should make the procedures to borrow money much more complex in order to avoid the people to get into debt. It is believed that the attitude of people being too materialistic will change as long as there are crucial and effective measures that can be taken. Eventually, the problem of running into huge debt can be prevented.
In conclusion, there are numerous people who get into large debts due to overuse of credit cards or loans which most of them have not the ability to repay. However, if the government can tighten the rules in the procedure to borrow money from the bank, this problem can soon be coped. I believe our country will continue to prosper and flourish if this problem can be solved in the years to come.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove redundancy Original: today’s modern world Suggested revision: today’s world Why it matters: “Today’s” and “modern” express the same idea, so one is sufficient.
- 2. Use numeral determiner Original: a Suggested revision: one Why it matters: “At least” needs a quantity here rather than the indefinite article.
- 3. Clarify cause Original: which eventually cause them to run up huge personal debt Suggested revision: which may eventually cause them to accumulate huge personal debts Why it matters: “May” avoids presenting the consequence as inevitable, and “accumulate” is more precise here.
- 4. Fix articles and number Original: government and banking authority Suggested revision: the government and banking authorities Why it matters: The specific government needs an article, while the general reference to banking bodies should be plural.
- 5. Clarify reference Original: agree with it Suggested revision: agree with this view Why it matters: “This view” refers more clearly to the proposal than the vague pronoun “it.”
- 6. Use direct wording Original: less easy for people Suggested revision: more difficult for people Why it matters: The direct comparative is more natural and concise in this context.
- 7. Specify the burden Original: increase their burden Suggested revision: add to their financial burden Why it matters: The revised collocation states clearly that the burden is financial.
- 8. Use active form Original: may be worked harder Suggested revision: may work harder Why it matters: People perform the action, so the passive construction is incorrect.
- 9. Correct collocation Original: clear Suggested revision: pay Why it matters: “Pay off debt” is the standard collocation for repaying money owed.
- 10. Fix negative placement Original: it is always not a simple task Suggested revision: it is never a simple task Why it matters: “Never” expresses the intended negative frequency naturally.
- 11. Use plural statistics Original: According to the statistic from a well-known bank Suggested revision: Statistics from a well-known bank Why it matters: A general numerical finding is naturally introduced with the plural noun “statistics.”
- 12. Match plural subject Original: it has shown that Suggested revision: show that Why it matters: After “Statistics,” the clause needs a plural verb and no dummy pronoun.
Suggested Rewrites
- today’s modern world today’s world
- a one
- which eventually cause them to run up huge personal debt which may eventually cause them to accumulate huge personal debts
- government and banking authority the government and banking authorities
- agree with it agree with this view
- less easy for people more difficult for people
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response presents a clear, consistent position and organizes two relevant reasons into a recognizable essay structure. Its main limitation is that several claims are exaggerated or insufficiently supported, while frequent grammatical and collocational errors make parts of the argument awkward or unclear; the highest priority is to develop credible explanations and examples in accurately controlled sentences.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A clear position is maintained and relevant reasons are presented, although some support is implausible, generalized, or insufficiently developed.
Develop each reason with a realistic, specific explanation or example instead of relying on unsupported statistics and extreme consequences.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has clear paragraphing and an overall logical sequence, but some transitions are mechanical and several long sentences connect ideas unclearly.
Use shorter, more precisely linked sentences when explaining cause and effect, and make each paragraph progress from claim to explanation to example.
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary is adequate and includes some less common words, but frequent inaccurate collocations and word forms reduce precision and occasionally obscure meaning.
Prioritize natural collocations such as repay debt, tighten lending rules, and cope with a problem, and check the grammatical form of key words.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex structures is attempted, but frequent errors in verb forms, articles, agreement, and clause construction limit accuracy.
Build complex sentences from accurate main clauses and proofread systematically for subject-verb agreement, articles, and verb patterns.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Many people are using credit cards or loans to run up huge personal debts that they may be unable to repay. It should, therefore, be made more difficult for individuals to borrow large amounts of money. What are your opinions on this?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.