Some believe success in life comes from hard work, dedication, and motivation. While many believe success depends on other important factors like money and appearance. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.
Sample Response
Success is often attributed to personal qualities such as hard work, dedication, and motivation. However, many argue that external factors, including wealth, social connections, and appearance, play a more decisive role in determining one's achievements. While effort and perseverance are undoubtedly important, I firmly believe that external circumstances have a greater influence on success.
On the one hand, dedication and hard work are crucial for achieving long-term goals. Many successful individuals, particularly in fields such as business and science, have built their careers through relentless effort and perseverance. For example, renowned entrepreneurs like Steve Jobs and Elon Musk overcame significant challenges to revolutionise their industries. Similarly, motivation and self-discipline enable individuals to persist despite failures, allowing them to develop expertise and stand out in competitive environments. Additionally, personal effort often fosters resilience, a key trait required to navigate the uncertainties of life.
On the other hand, external factors such as financial resources, social status, and geographical location play a far more influential role in determining success. Wealth, for instance, provides access to top-tier education, exclusive networks, and business opportunities that are often unavailable to those from disadvantaged backgrounds. Furthermore, individuals born into influential families have a head start in life, as their social connections can open doors that sheer hard work alone cannot. Additionally, physical appearance plays a significant role in industries such as entertainment and fashion, where conventional attractiveness can lead to preferential treatment and career advancement.
In conclusion, while hard work and determination are important, success is largely shaped by factors beyond an individual's control. Wealth, social status, and external circumstances often dictate the opportunities available, making them more influential than personal effort in determining one's achievements.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use stronger collocation Original: have Suggested revision: exert Why it matters: The verb exert forms a more precise academic collocation with influence.
- 2. Avoid overstatement Original: relentless Suggested revision: sustained Why it matters: Sustained conveys continued effort more precisely without the absolute tone of relentless.
- 3. Use formal exemplifier Original: renowned entrepreneurs like Suggested revision: renowned entrepreneurs such as Why it matters: Such as is a slightly more formal way to introduce named examples.
- 4. Refine word choice Original: failures Suggested revision: setbacks Why it matters: Setbacks more naturally describes difficulties that people overcome while pursuing a goal.
- 5. Use concise phrasing Original: uncertainties of life Suggested revision: uncertainty in life Why it matters: The singular abstract noun gives the phrase a cleaner and more natural form.
- 6. Use formal wording Original: top-tier education Suggested revision: high-quality education Why it matters: High-quality is clearer and less promotional in an academic essay.
- 7. Clarify network value Original: exclusive Suggested revision: influential Why it matters: Influential states directly why these networks can affect success.
- 8. Use academic phrasing Original: have a head start in life Suggested revision: have an early advantage Why it matters: The revision expresses the same idea in a more formal register.
- 9. Replace the idiom Original: open doors Suggested revision: create opportunities Why it matters: The literal phrase is more precise in formal academic writing.
- 10. Remove redundant emphasis Original: sheer hard work alone Suggested revision: hard work alone Why it matters: Sheer and alone both add emphasis, so retaining one makes the phrase more concise.
- 11. Temper absolute wording Original: dictate the opportunities available Suggested revision: strongly shape the opportunities available Why it matters: Strongly shape preserves the argument while avoiding the absolute implication of dictate.
- 12. Remove category repetition Original: Wealth, social status, and external circumstances Suggested revision: Wealth and social status Why it matters: Wealth and social status are already examples of external circumstances, making the broader term repetitive here.
Suggested Rewrites
- have exert
- relentless sustained
- renowned entrepreneurs like renowned entrepreneurs such as
- failures setbacks
- uncertainties of life uncertainty in life
- top-tier education high-quality education
Why this response received Band 8.5
The response presents a clear, consistent position and gives balanced, well-developed treatment of both views, supported by fluent progression and precise academic language. Its main limitation is that some examples and claims, particularly about famous entrepreneurs and inherited advantage, are asserted broadly rather than examined in depth. A stronger version would qualify these examples and show more precisely how effort and external opportunity interact before confirming why one has greater influence.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both views are fully addressed, and the writer's opinion is clear, consistent, and well supported throughout.
Deepen the analysis by acknowledging how personal effort and external advantages can interact in the examples used.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay progresses fluently through a clear four-paragraph structure with highly controlled cohesion and referencing.
Reduce the slightly formulaic sequencing of the two body paragraphs to make the progression feel even more natural.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is wide, precise, and consistently appropriate, with effective control of academic collocations.
Vary recurring terms such as success, external factors, and influence where an equally precise alternative is available.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex sentence forms is used accurately and flexibly with virtually no noticeable errors.
Continue refining sentence rhythm by occasionally shortening heavily modified sentences for maximum clarity and emphasis.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some believe success in life comes from hard work, dedication, and motivation. While many believe success depends on other important factors like money and appearance. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.