The pie charts below show the online sales for retail sectors in Australia in 2003 and 2013.
Sample Response
The circular layouts elucidate the online sales of travel, film or music, books and clothes in Australia in two selected years. The data has been calibrated in percentage.
As a general analysis, it can be clearly seen that the sales of travel and film or music decreased after a decade, while books and clothes showed the opposite trend.
Having a glance upon, the online sales of travel depicted the maximum proportion which was accounted as minor more than one-third in 2003, being 7% more than the sales in 2013. Whereas, the online marketing of books sector was undoubtedly least which was noticed as merely 19%. Surprisingly, the figure increased slightly after a period of ten years which was observed as 22%.
Probing ahead towards the clothes, the data of online sales was witnessed as 24% and 16% in 2003 and 2013, respectively. In 2003, 21% of online sales were related to the film or music category. Interestingly, the figure rose to one-third after one decade, making this sector best selling online market.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Name the visuals precisely Original: circular layouts Suggested revision: pie charts Why it matters: The visuals are pie charts rather than layouts.
- 2. Use direct report language Original: elucidate Suggested revision: show Why it matters: “Show” is clearer and more natural for presenting chart data.
- 3. Use a clear transition Original: Having a glance upon, Suggested revision: Looking first at travel, Why it matters: The original introductory phrase is not idiomatic and does not name the category clearly.
- 4. Fix the sentence linker Original: Whereas, Suggested revision: By contrast, Why it matters: “Whereas” cannot introduce this independent sentence in that form.
- 5. Use accurate category wording Original: online marketing of books sector Suggested revision: online sales in the book sector Why it matters: The chart reports sales by retail sector rather than marketing activity.
- 6. Add the required article Original: was undoubtedly least Suggested revision: was the smallest Why it matters: A superlative description requires the definite article here.
- 7. State the figure directly Original: which was noticed as merely 19% Suggested revision: at 19% Why it matters: The passive phrase is unnatural and obscures a simple value.
- 8. Use a factual transition Original: Surprisingly, Suggested revision: By 2013, Why it matters: The chart provides no basis for evaluating the increase as surprising.
- 9. Use concise time phrasing Original: after a period of ten years Suggested revision: over the decade Why it matters: The shorter phrase describes the interval more naturally.
- 10. Complete the increase structure Original: which was observed as 22% Suggested revision: to 22% Why it matters: The verb “increased” takes “to” before the resulting value.
- 11. Use a natural transition Original: Probing ahead towards the clothes Suggested revision: Turning to clothing Why it matters: The original expression is not idiomatic in an academic report.
- 12. Report the figures directly Original: the data of online sales was witnessed as Suggested revision: online sales accounted for Why it matters: The original passive construction is unnatural and unnecessarily indirect.
Suggested Rewrites
- circular layouts pie charts
- elucidate show
- Having a glance upon, Looking first at travel,
- Whereas, By contrast,
- online marketing of books sector online sales in the book sector
- was undoubtedly least was the smallest
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response’s strongest feature is its accurate reporting of all eight percentages and the decade-to-decade changes in the detail paragraphs. The main limitation is that the overview reverses the trends for film/music and clothes, creating a significant contradiction, while unnatural collocations also reduce clarity. The highest priority is to correct the overview so it states that travel and clothes fell, whereas film/music and books rose, then simplify the phrasing.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
All category percentages are reported accurately, but the overview incorrectly says film/music fell and clothes rose.
State the overall trends accurately: travel and clothes decreased, while film/music and books increased.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response follows a recognizable introduction-overview-detail structure, though mechanical transitions and a sentence fragment disrupt the flow.
Group the two declining sectors and the two growing sectors, using direct transitions rather than stock phrases such as 'Probing ahead'.
Lexical Resource
There is sufficient range to describe proportions and change, but frequent unnatural collocations make the language imprecise.
Use conventional phrases such as 'accounted for', 'rose to', 'fell to', and 'the largest share' instead of elaborate substitutes.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response attempts complex structures, but recurring problems with clause construction, articles, and passive forms reduce accuracy.
Use shorter active sentences and avoid fragmentary openings such as 'Whereas' followed by an incomplete main clause.
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IELTS Academic Writing Task 1
The pie charts below show the online sales for retail sectors in Australia in 2003 and 2013.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.